it chills my heart so

hey you, ludic lover

And this is how it feels like having nothing to say, having nothing you want to tell to others. Since I only like to scream and shout when things aren't going my way, when I do nothing but complain and whine but not doing anything to make something better, and apparently I'm an emotional wreck that gets uncontrollable and scary, then why not just keep everything inside. But I don't do it much anymore. Maybe I just can't be bothered, maybe I've zen-ed, or maybe I'm just plain tired.

You don't know how phobic I can get, how I experience a distaste so bad with those words. And I end up getting disgusted with myself, but I just can't brush that feeling away. It just makes me want to retch. I'm done trying to be another person, so done. If it's come to this, what's the point? What am I still holding on to? I would love the thrills, the adrenaline, without the fucking stress. You'll never notice, never comprehend, never try to make anything better. Everybody's just living in their own locked up world, seeing nobody else but themselves.

Yes, I'm done being somebody else. But I want to really be somebody else. I want to be unrecognizable. I need a bloody change. I want to look into the mirror and see somebody else, other than myself. Nothing that can remind me of everything I had been.

No, no baby steps. You can't afford to. Nobody ever waits for anyone. The whole bloody world moves on.

只有身体在狂欢, 心就没负担. 耳朵被音乐塞满, 抛向云端.

And I love how we can sing as loud as we like, knowing that we'll never see the people ever again anyway. Just like how we can dance as much and as crazy as we like, because once you step out, it's another world altogether totally. And when the lights go low and the music blasts the walls, that's the only time when I feel I can be anybody I like, because nobody knows me, because there's no glaring lights exposing everything you wanted to hide. And I'll only hope my head remains light-headed and maybe, maybe it can really never stop. And I swear, that's the time when I feel that nothing, really nothing matters anyway.

And I wake up these days, with the same images going through my mind over and over again. It's like I can't brush them away, because every time when I try to shut my eyes to shut everything out, that's the time they appear, over and over again. How do you choose between haunting dreams that make you hope your heart would crash and waking up to a place where you don't want to be anymore? Well, you can't.

where does it end, you say.

Because I'm glad, for days like this.

I'm supposed to do my term paper, on Happiness. And what can I say? Nabei. I really don't know what to write. Nothing remotely related to the subject inspires me. The more I think about it, the more bewildered I am. It has become strangely unfamiliar to me. Hello, what is it again?

.... . ._.. ._ _.

Why does it only take a small thing to trigger everything I'm trying so hard to push back down. It only takes a word, a thought, to bring me to place where I can't pull myself out of. Why does it have to bring out everything in me that I never ever wanted others to see, that I never ever wanted to feel. Why does it have to make me hate myself for becoming someone I hate to see myself becoming.

Can't you see my calculated steps, my patronizing smiles, my faked laughs and how everything inside me is threatening to burst although I force myself to be seen as otherwise. And how the very best I could do is still to keep on smiling. If not I'll at least try to shut my eyes and hope my tears won't fall and shut my thoughts out and not say a word.

Because I still feel, I still think, I still see. But I won't say, because I know those are selfish thoughts, because I know those are not totally logical thoughts. Or maybe my expectations are higher, maybe I expected otherwise. But it doesn't matter, because nothing's changed, because at the end of the day, they still cut at me, over and over again. Because I know I'm losing, and not to anyone else even though I tell myself it is. Because I should know better, it's a battle I'm fighting with myself.

And when you realize you can't be yourself anymore around your friends, something's terribly wrong. And because sometimes I really really feel tired and have no sense of where to begin, I end up giving up and throwing the thoughts away. But maybe it doesn't matter after all, when it's only yourself.

And it pains me to even write these, when I even don't have the courage to write simply, when I only know how to do what I do best, writing like nobody else can understand except myself. But don't give me the words I hate hearing, if it's going to do anything, it's going to make it a million times worse than make it a little better.

I need the very very last thing I can do.

And when my head hurts like this, I feel as if I could puke everything in me out. But no, it chooses to stay within me, wrecking me, tearing me inside out, ripping me apart.

Okay, you win, I lose.

zen, darling, zen. please.

I didn’t know you, yet I feel that I did. Perhaps it’s because you have touched my life, albeit in an indirect way. And I had written that note to you. That’s why I could not stop myself from crying when I read about you. It stopped me in my tracks, making everything seemed so surreal for an instant. It seemed so unreal, like how things would revert back to normal once I snap out of my trance. But they don’t. They just don’t. And I never like oscillating between what’s real and what seems real. I hate it. I really do. And what are we walking towards, isn’t it nothing but just the end? With that realization, then why does anything matter at all? In the same sense, why does anything not matter at all? I know I shouldn’t say this, but I wished I could take your place.

That day, I dreamt that I smashed a glass bottle and cut myself. In the dream, my mind was in a whirl, thinking about how I was going to do it, feeling that it wouldn’t be of any pain at all. It was horribly morbid, but I didn't mean to dream it. These days, if it isn’t insomnia, it would be that my body just refuses to wake up. I can’t bloody will my body to wake up with my mind at all.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re still the person I once knew. I can’t seem to find anything to disconfirm my no. Sometimes I wonder if you’re still there. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one who’s not here anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it’s still all the same. But I don’t dare to say it, I don’t dare to tell myself no. Because it matters to me, even though sometimes I force myself to make everything not matter anymore. Because it would be much easier, much easier if I could do it.

So I’ll shut my eyes tight, because tears won’t fall if I keep them closed. So I’ll clench my fists tight until the fingernails draw blood, because the screams would remain silent if I do so. So I’ll squat in the middle of the sidewalk, because every step forward makes me take another step backwards. So I’ll sit and stare at the rain, because the cold would chill my bones, my brain, my heart.

路太远, 我忘了.

我喜欢, 躺在地上, 用耳机听音乐的感觉.
似乎好像被带到另一个时空, 另一个世界去.
也不知眼泪为什么会一直掉,
只希望音乐能把泪滴的声音末过去.

it's been long, really long.

Now that the internship’s over, I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I wouldn’t be able to wake up so early, fall asleep on the train, see the people who would never fail to make me laugh, go home feeling so tired to do or think about anything and just having to sleep immediately. There wouldn’t be anything that I could just throw myself into, keep myself busy and having nothing to remind me about anything I don’t want to be reminded of. They make me feel that maybe I still have the capacity to be who I want to be, to be a little more okay that what I am now, if I could just get away.

The first day with myself, and I’m already crumbling. The noise around churned out all the irritation in me and my head killed me so bad. I literally slept my day away. I just kept forcing myself to sleep, hoping that the time would pass without me having to be in any state of consciousness. Maybe I just can’t bear to even spend time alone with myself. It scares me, it kills me and it ruins me. If only I could just sleep and never wake up, just sleep my life away.

There’s something in me, refusing to be fixed. It just, can’t be fixed. And I hate to feel, that it’ll just never be okay again.

你是我的隐形人.

突然发现自己真的非常没有用. 不管跑得多远, 终究还是会被拉回到原点. 自己也有拼命地要坚强一点, 但坚强只能留在外表上, 内心却要安抚许许多多的挣扎. 为什么会变成这样?

而终于有了一点点的目标, 但却有一些抹不掉的恐惧. 最讨厌的就是害怕, 不勇敢. 以前根本都不是这样的.

you make me, disillusioned.

怎么办. 真的应该听你们所说的吗? 会有用, 会好一点吗? 如果是你, 你也会那么做吗? 真的说得出, 就一定代表做得到吗? 从来都没人喜欢承认自己的懦弱. 从来没人喜欢 只想要一直沉睡的念头. 但是, 如果有一天, 真的真的累垮了, 到底该怎么办才好?

and i've told the sky above, but not you.

Picnic today at Botanic Gardens! I'm so glad it didn't rain because there was thunder when we got there. Made a terrible mess at the start with all the cooking we wanted to do but we still had fun and loved the food! :)


I love love you girls. Maybe I have to see you all everyday just to keep myself sane. I'm missing you all already! :(



Little kids are cute when they are playing happily. But when they cry and become little devils, all I want is to smack them. Maybe I love dogs more. Hahaha.


And I met daisy duckieee there when we were about to leave! Thought I wouldn't see her because the place isn't that small after all. And I didn't get to steal red wine or pasta from her picnic lah.

tonight the sky above, reminds me of you.

Meredith: "In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We cant help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back."


Tonight I see a clearer picture. I see who, and how I've become. I feel the fear in me, anxiously trying to mask what others hvn't seen, trying to paint an untainted picture. I see the time slip away while my feet are rooted to the same spot. We all need time, but time has never waited for anyone. It just goes on quietly, until one day, when you decided to turn back for a split second, you realized that so much has gone and left, and without you.

But I still go on each day, with the exhaustion seeping through me. And waiting, waiting for that breaking point. Because nothing seems right anymore. Because nothing feels right anymore.

hold on to your words, 'cause talk is cheap.

I'm thankful, for the people who stayed on, who stood beside me, despite everything. It doesn't mean you have to know everything to make me feel that you understand, to make me feel that you're on my side. Sometimes it's not a matter of who's in the right or who's in the wrong. We all have the need to be selfish, to be defensive of ourselves once in a while. I have. I'm not a saint. No matter whether it's right or wrong, I need to know that at some point in time, people are actually on my side. I need it, to feel a little better. And I really really love you, for making me feel that it's actually okay, that I'm nothing less than human even if I were to think in the way that I was thinking. Maybe that will make me loathe my thoughts less, hate myself less. And maybe sometimes that will make me think and even wish that you were them, and you know, maybe it would be so much easier.

That is why it hurts. It hurts to see and be reminded. My mind haunts me so bad, all I could is to run away physically. I can't block off my own thoughts. I have to endure them every single second and no matter how I run, there's no way out of it. But you know, running away physically is something you could learn and master over time. Though it hurts too, but ultimately, maybe that is the only running away you can actually do.

Maybe studying psychology will be the curse of my life. I love it so much, I really do. But, when you reached a point when you've been exposed to so much, you'll realize that all you have left is self help. Because nothing besides that will work really, at least not on yourself. Words need to be said exactly the way it should in order to work because you know how it should be like. Don't always stress and emphasize on the final outcome. How many a times do people fail to understand it's the process that people can't take, that nobody in that sort of position could possibly see the end, if he is not taken out of the process first. It's not the one day, not the next time, not the some day. It's now. NOW.

And I still apologize. Because I'm only human. Because when my cognitive load is so overbearing, I don't have the capacity of mind to do what I think I should do. Since nothing is making it better, I choose to run away from it, rather than to be killed by it. And don't do that. Don't do something I used to do. Don't do something that reminds me of things I used to do. DON'T. I know maybe you don't even know it. I know it may be something so insignificant you don't even realize it. But it's important to me. It's something, something that reminds me of myself at least. And I can't even make myself say it here. Fuck.

Thank you, thank you for making me feel, that I'm so easily thrown away.

you should've said no, should've gone home.

I am a strong believer in that nothing lasts forever.
But that, that doesn't give anyone the prerogative to inflict so much hurt.

One person's happiness, is another person's anguish.
It only depends, if you got lucky.

The day I stop being so hard on myself, is the day when my head could finally take a break. But for now, it's still crumbling under the pressure of everything.


But HE, he is still my man. :)

the broken locks were a warning you got inside my head.

Meredith: "People are constantly asking you to tell them how you're doing. How the hell are you supposed to know?"

Meredith: "Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but, I disappeared."


I feel like, I have so much to say. So so much, but in a moment after, I've swallowed everything back down again. I don't feel like saying anything anymore. I don't dare to say anything anymore. It's the words, words that I embrace so fervently, words that could possibly mean everything to me. It's the words, words that could bring me up to the heavens, words that could throw me into hell. It's the words, words that hurt so damn bad because at the end of the day, it is the only thing that remains, the only thing left invading your head over and over again.

I feel like I'm back to my old self, the one I hated, the one I prayed and wished that I'll never get to see again. I'm back to when I used to talked in endless monologues, talked in morse codes that nobody could understand, only because, only because this is the only way that could make me feel a little safer. Because if you let people see you like an open book, they will only slowly tear the pages out, until finally, there is nothing left.

I miss, being able to find joy in small little things. The happiness that comes, although in spurts, but stays. I just don't feel it anymore. I can't just want it back, just because I want it to. If it's not there, it's just not going to be there. And everyday you see people whom are not aware of what you actually are. So you pretend, you pretend to be the person everybody would rather see, while you fight the demons within you constantly. Maybe you won't understand. Maybe you won't realize it. I don't know how it happened. But I seem to have lost the capacity to actually be sincerely, truthfully happy and to make it stay. I don't know how it happened. But it did.

I've lost track of the time, but since one certain day, every single dream I have is a nightmare. Some make me unable to wake up from them. Some make me wake up in the middle of the night, grasping at the empty space, with the scream stuck in my throat. I can't sleep. I can't sleep without the dreaming.

The hard part, is about trying to hate everybody else in the world but failing to do so, because you realize, that the only person you really hate, is yourself.

Tricario boy boyyyy I need you to come back. I need you to be here to tell me what to do, just be here to tell me what to do although I know it already. I need you to tell me I could do this. I need you to tell me not to be an idiot and that I am better than this. I need you to tell me not to care so much about every single thing in the world although I pretend I don't give a fuck. I need you to tell me to stop crying. I need you to tell me none of these is worth it. I need the comfort from the words that nobody else could give me.

If not I will break. I will break. I don't want to break.

It breaks my heart. It really does. Itbreaksmyheartso.

That is, if it is still there.
If it could still be broken.


When would I laugh again?
When something's really funny.
Then yes, I would laugh.
But that, that doesn't exactly measure up to happiness does it.

unrecognizable.

Meredith: Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled…old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.


Fucking tired pls. Working makes me crawl into bed at the earliest time ever, but I guess I have crossed the threshold that's why I could actually stay awake now. I hate waking up so early, I'm forever tired, forever sleepy, absolutely stressed out, but I do love the people I'm working with.

The feeling of time spent with friends after work is amazing, like really amazing. Time spent walking around or just chilling out just seems so so precious now it makes everything really really amazing. I love you darlings, I love today!

And I hate that, and that, and that. No, not hate actually. I don't have hate in me. Although you said I'm angry and denying it, it's not the same. It's not anger, I don't know what it is, but it's just not the same. I refuse to say it is. I'm stubborn, yes. And my neuroticism is seriously high I realized, after scoring my personality test today. But yes, I don't like that, and that, and that. I only can say I have the right to, since I can't seem to control it.

I want to scream and shout and never ever stop until everything comes to an end.

don't make me change my mind.

And I am so fucking exhausted I don't even have the energy for tears.
So drained, so mentally anguished, the words don't seem like mine anymore.
Words said, I've never learned to be able to take them back, even if I realized that's not what I meant just a mere second later. I know, my mouth is too hard and I am too stubborn, but I need these, to help protect what's really beneath.

Yes, I do need you.

all we can do, is keep breathing.

Meredith: "People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."


We're fine people. We do fine. We're fine. We'll be fine, we'll all be fine.
When, did I end up having no other better words to tell myself anymore. This sort of constant self reminder, self control, self numbing, it's difficult eh.

And you don't know, how many times I have to struggle to keep myself in place and all I could do was to clench my fists and let the fingernails dig into the palms.

don't stand so close to me.

Meredith: "At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Meredith: "What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."


Not okay, really not okay. Must I say I'm okay, like how everyone wants to hear, to try and make myself believe in it somewhat, just to go on. Will it miraculously make everything okay again? If it will, I would say it a thousand times over. I want to heal. I have to heal. Why can't, why can't you understand it's hard. Why can't you understand it's not working. I'm trying hard every single day, every single day. But every breath I take still hurts. Who wouldn't want the best for himself? Who wants to stay and feel damaged. My plea, it's real.

The thing people are best at doing? Walking away. Everybody walks away, at some point in time, thinking that it's the best for everyone, never once realizing that walking away is always, always actually only done and good for the one doing it.

letting someone in, means abandoning the walls you've spent your whole lifetime building.

Izzie: "I feel like... I'm moving in slow motion. Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back... to when things were normal... when I wasn’t poor Izzie laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her... her dead fiancé. But I am, so I can’t. And I’m.. just stuck. And there’s all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me waiting for me to do something or say some thing or flip out or yell or cry some more and I’m happy to play my part. I’m happy to say the lines and do what ever it is that I’m supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable... but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be this person. I don’t know who this person is."

I've done something I shouldn't have, but it wasn't on purpose for any particular reason. It just suddenly hit me that maybe it was a wrong move, though small, all I've done is to only lay out a long long route of slow torture for myself. That nauseating feeling in the stomach is all too familiar, and it's something I've grown pretty much accustomed to. It makes my insides churn, it makes me want to retch, it scares the hell out of me.

And I've told you, and I want to tell you straight in the face. I don't like this, I don't like it at all. Still tired, very very much tired. Waking up in the mornings are just, nothing but torturous anymore. Don't make me test myself on how long I could hold out. It's either my heart could stop beating or my head could just explode, whichever is fine with me.

i need to stay in bed and feel like i might die today.

If, you care enough about something, you would attempt to repair it if it was in anyway broken, right? So, if you don't, it just means, you don't care?

This is not supposed to be right, but I've been crying alot these days. I cry when I watch Grey's Anatomy. I cry when I listen to songs. I cry when I'm trapped alone in my house when there was a power failure for very long and it was really dark. I'm so tired I just sit and lie on my bed all day long. I'm so tired I don't have the mood to go anywhere at all. I hope it's really just the pms. I've never been able to so accurately predict my menstrual cycle before, but now the pms comes so punctually it really scares me. I fucking hate pms, and apparently caffeine exacerbates it. That's wonderful, because I'm still getting my caffeine dose everyday. Can't help it. Love it, even if it ruins me.

Meredith: "Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

i tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong.

I sincerely hate heavy downpours that come with thunder and lightning with a vengeance. The one that roused me from my sleep yesterday was so horrendous it not only made the electricity trip, it made my door creaked and opened on its own and my heart was beating so hard I swear it could explode. Fuck, how do you be strong when you're even scared of thunder. And suddenly all the fear came and I could only hide under the blankets and hope everything would go away and all I wanted was to just fall back into my sleep again. I guess I was so scared I ended up having really really unhappy dreams, made 100000times worst by the splitting migraine that came with it. I'm really amazed at the kind of dreams my mind is capable of conjuring these days. It's so real, yet at the same time, you know it's so totally unreal. Ended up not being able to wake up until it was really late, to an empty house again. It's a conflicting relationship, between alone at home and being at home with people around. But these days, I still like how it is like to be really left alone.

You don't know how you torture me so. But I can't say, because it's not the right thoughts to have. The things I hope I could do, if I could care less enough, are not the things I know I should do. And somehow I'm glad, because being cryptic would mean that nobody will ever ever know of these thoughts that disgust me so. Except you of course, because I have told you.

If it has to be a pained smile, maybe I'd rather prefer not smiling at all.

and i'll walk away, just like you want me to.

Suddenly Xiaoshouzhi's words are running through my head endlessly, and I'm feeling a sense of jaded-ness overwhelming me. So I've decided I'm giving Zouk a miss today. I'm amazed. I'm a changed person once again.

Ironman is a comedy pls. It's fucking hilarious, but I don't think it's fantastic. Sex and the City is another mindblowing serial I wished I had started on it earlier. It's really amazing and the things they say are just so apt. They say all the things you've ever wanted to say but just can't find the words for. It's the show every woman should watch. Now I can't wait for the movie to be out.

There's just, nothing much to say anymore.

and i can't do it no more.

Please, do not, do not do that. It aches my fucking heart but you don't know it.
And I still have to force myself to smile at you.
I don't blame you, I don't hate you. I hate myself.
What do I have left? Me and my insanity. Fuck you.

That's why they say, you need to go away for awhile, and forget all the people you once knew.
Then it'll be okay. It'll be all okay.

One day you'll wake up, and you're not going to recognize yourself anymore.

眼神不会说话只有泪光.

I've finished my whole pack of coffee, all thirty sticks of them, in less than half a month. Plus the many random cups of coffee I had in school that I've made myself bloody dependent on. I don't know how, but I've managed to convince myself that I need it to get by the day, no matter what. It gives me the highs.

You've left. And you're leaving too. How am I going to fill in the void during the days when both of you are not going to be around at all! You make me love running to school everyday and staying till late and hate going home, and after all that you're going to leave me alone. And you know what's the only thing that I can do during your absence. :( Please please come back soon okay! I feel as if I cannot live without you all. Hahahaa. Disgusting.

Yes, I love the library so much I wished it was just next to my house. But the unisex washroom makes me feel so disgusted everytime I use it now, thanks to the ideas you all put into my head! I love being in school so much I feel like running back every single day. :(

不管走多远步伐都没有力量.

I’ve told you before, I could leave anything, anyone behind and just leave. It’s not that nothing matters to me, but it’s more of I don’t feel much about detaching myself from everything in the end. All I need, is the chance to be able to. Maybe you have forgotten, maybe you don’t really care like I thought you did after all. We all know, what a moment of impulse is. Yeah, it’s okay. You just made that grounding of mine even stronger.

My dreams, they make me exhausted. And they are starting to change. These days, the yous in them are slowly becoming a stranger. Even in my dreams, you are a stranger. And I saw myself sitting there, qualifying every other emotion present in me other than joy, with a smile. And I saw you looking through me, like how I was meant to be, invisible.

And I’ve been walking through doors, just to find the next locked. It’s like walking through an endless labyrinth, every door opens in the end, but the next appears the same, but still locked. Each of the places in transit looks the same, with the same four walls, with the same claustrophobic feeling gnawing at me. Hey how come I didn’t know I built these limitless walls, in place of one tall and sturdy one.

Fucking tired, of the work, the mind, the thoughts, the things. All I could do is leech comfort from your words that no one else could give. I know it’s going to be soon when I’ll need to deal without them. But for now, please don’t disappear yet.

you drained the colors out of my sky.

I need some time to myself, some time without the scrutiny of others. Although I find it a joke that all these could still be read once I unlock my blog again, but I find no other better way.

You'll never know, how much fear I have in me, how much you make me fear every single thing. I fear to speak, I fear to not speak, I fear to do anything, but in the end, everything still slapped me cold in the face. The fears in me, I could never tell you, I could never let you see. Why do you have to make it so.

Sometimes the pain just overwhelms me and makes me senseless and lose all my capabilities to deal with it. Because it's something I can't see. I could only feel it, and it jabs at me so fast so hard, but makes me numb too. It makes me want to retch when I see food, when I think of just about anything at all. I'll feel as if my heart would collapse with another huge heave. And I could only hope the endless coffee I take in would calm it in some way.

It's not fair to say I don't try. I do, and it stays for a while. But somehow, along the way, something so strong would grip me and pull me down again. I can't see it, can't wrench it away from me. I could only struggle and try to stay up, and breathe. So it's not fair, when you're not me. I could say a thousand words too, if I'm you. We all could, if we're in some positions that's advantageous to us.

Please nag at me forever tricario boy boyyyy. If you'll remind me constantly, then I won't break.

我们对了错了要了给了却都忘了.

It's amazing, how those tears could still find their way through even when I'd tried all my might to shut my eyes tight. How long has it been; the sudden influx of salt content in the eyes made them hurt a thousand times worse.

Because we come up with all the words we could think of to push forth a strong exterior; just to crumble into pieces beneath it in a saccade. Because we do not make ourselves hate, because we do not learn to hate, because we can't hate.

One day, I will smile like how I used to. I will smile because I sincerely feel it. Will it be long? What if it never comes. In the end, we all scramble to find a way, to let ourselves wait, even if it's forever. End it now then, won't you.

错过这世界有什么可惜.

I need to get my sanity back. It still sucks, waking up on some mornings and feeling like absolute fuck. I have had enough of those breaking moments, threatening to overwhelm every single sense I have left in me, making me curl up in a corner and pleading to myself to stop those thoughts from running wild again. It's true, though in a warped way, that the mind can really be so strong, that I have no control over it at all. Mind over heart, yes. Mind over matter, yes. It's mind over my everything. It's the thing that's slowly scraping away at my sanity. I need to throw those things away, the everything that I can't let go. Because it's sapping away my energy. Because I still can't find a balance. Then perhaps there's no use, figuring out anything at all. My mind's already too contorted. I want to find the life I wanted to lead, and perhaps I was already on it, finally after searching and pondering, until I got pushed down without even given time to anticipate it, without even given a helping hand.

But yes, thank you for letting me bitch at you, for telling me nonsensical, senseless things to bring me back when I almost always want to slip back into the locked up world I'd created for myself. But the temporary relief I feel, it feels almost unreal sometimes, like I don't even know if that's myself. I don't want to step in, just to step back out again. And the more afraid I am of it, the more apprehension I have for losing it, the more I know everything could be back to status quo very soon. Just because I have no faith in believing it.

And the things I could say, the things I could joke about, every single word cut at my heart in fact. Because they seem to amplify my stupidity, ignorance, stubborness and just simply everything that could make me look at myself, and wanting to give up. Because I can't even find a thread of hope, of anything good that would make me feel a little better.

And I agree that this semester's really too fast. It's just suddenly ending again, with that all too familiar feeling. I don't know whether time passes faster when you think too much, or when you don't at all. It's just, time really passes too fast.

Who the fuck invented tears, to make us so so tired. It's not even as cathartic as saying fuck.

the pain she screams, i hear.

Nono, no more McGriddles pls. Having breakfast could make me go to the toilet 100000times. I wouldn’t dream of it anymore I guess, because the craving had been satisfied and it’s enough. Hahaa.

I’m almost shy to admit that I’m falling in love with Backstreet Boys all over again. It is so primary-school-boyband era I know, but their album got me so hooked I don’t know why. It’s really pretty good, though it’s those you’ll get sick of pretty soon after having it on the loop like forever. They aren’t old men pls, they make me drool, so I think they should be pretty hot. Hahahaa.

And I can’t explain//Last night I saw the fireworks//The kind of pain that never hurts//The one you hate to love is made for you

Thanks to a certain someone, listening to this song long long into the night, with the earphones plugged into my ears, makes me cry. Please stop singing songs that would kill my heart.

等于结束的爱情
我和你
从两个窗口看出去
往事远远地
演着一场无声的电影
没人注意

躲着回忆的身体
带领我
和你的名字向前进
作废的曾经
留在离开你那天
挥不去

因为太了解
所以很伤心
没有你只好听着风的呼吸
却有种叫做时间的东西
说没问题
最后我们会痊愈

因为太了解
我无法坚定
这一次会要掉眼泪的决定
有些遗憾只能一个人听
很对不起
我还是珍惜
所有的事情

everytime you leave, i'm inconsolable.

This fucking pms is affecting every single nerve in my body and killing my head so bad. Suddenly, there is just so much anger and irritation in me. I’m practically dissing everyone in the house and anyone else who threatens to topple me over my edge. I know anger does me no good and gets me nothing, that is why I’ve gradually learned not to let it get the better of me. It would only make me go crazy and make everyone else run away. But maybe it wasn’t control and regulation, or so I thought. This repression is bloody threatening an upsurge.

I hate to feel the anger in me. It makes me blind to everything sane, if it still exists that is. I know the wrath only represents a losing battle, and I don’t like to lose, ever. It fucking kills me, I have to be honest. I don’t like to give anybody the reason to do anything I don’t wish for them to do. I don’t want to be the one giving the justification. I just don’t like it.

Or maybe this is what I am actually feeling all along. Perhaps I’m just finding an excuse for them to be expressed, to have a more accepted outlet. But everything is just suddenly so amplified I feel like tearing my soul apart, and killing you.

will you be, unmistakable.

I can’t even start to say how exhausted I really am. My papers are starting next week and I have barely even started on my revision because of the endless projects. How come the time for preparation just gets shorter and shorter? I had never gone for so many nerve wrecking interviews in such a short period of time before, and I wonder why I’m trying so hard at all. The horrendous traveling, the waiting, the never ending spewing of words that I almost didn’t even recognize were mine. Do I even believe what I was saying at all? That’s when I start asking myself, what’s the use, what’s the point.

It made me so tremendously anguished that I had to miss Liverpool – Arsenal Champions League match because of that. And it had to be such an exciting match. I caught the goals afterwards and I couldn’t imagine I was so so touched I actually teared. Hahahaa. Torres baby is my new kryptonite pls, his slide of victory on the ground was just, simply orgasmic. Hahaa.

And I’m so caught up with work I forgot to write this down for my own memory’s sake. One fine day, I saw the very very hot Orlando Bloom’s lookalike professor at my train station on my way to school! I couldn’t believe that he was actually possibly staying in such a close proximity to me. I kept stealing glances, or rather, I just kept looking towards his side until a man next to me got curious and started looking in the direction too. Hahaha. I swear my legs got so wobbly I thought I could have fallen into the tracks.

I’m really afraid every time I feel tired and dizzy at the same time. I don’t know why, but the mood just kind of predisposes me to really really negative thoughts. I feel really lousy, and just, not really where I think I should be. I feel as if I’m in a place likened to the train station in The Matrix, just stuck there because I can’t get on the train to leave the place. And it could be forever, because this transit may never bring me somewhere else, or even out.

Revelations are amazing, though sometimes we could guess, but we always still need that confirmation. How many a times could we actually believe in something or ourselves just based on our own isolated thoughts? Almost never, at least not for me. And it kills my head, because it threatens to cause things that I’m trying hard to keep inside to surge to the surface. I fear, to be in full exposure to the person I am. I fear, to even see myself. Are you even able to see that? It kills me that you possibly do, but it also kills that you possibly don’t. All you left me, are just contradictions and doubts about my very own being.

Don’t ignite the spark in me to cause the explosion. I cannot pre-empt it, nor can I predict what will come out of it. And yes, I know, because I’m scared of myself too. But I guess it’s better for you, because I can’t even choose. I can’t run away. I have to stay here, with myself, even if it’s on my own.

there'll come a day, when you'll walk out of my dreams.

I forgot to thank wenwen darling for mrbean soyamilk with pearls on an otherwise terribly early friday morning lecture. It was so potent it churned my stomach and cleared my system in an hour. Hahhaa. But it's still love. :)

And thank you for the cake. Hello people pls come and take the cake from me or something, I cannot possibly finish it by myself. I still need to jump on the weighing scale everyday and I don't need a heart attack. But here's the cake for you guys to see at least, if you wouldn't get the chance to taste it.



Marmalade Pantry and Dempsey's Hacienda loving on the birthday itself, celebrated together with monkey darling's birthday too. All my life I've never really had any birthday celebrations by myself and I'm really glad because it's nice to have someone share it with you. I'll just feel like an idiot if I had to blow the candles out myself. Days without 4012 in our lives are sometimes compensated by this vehicle instead! Thank you we love you too? Hahaa.


Sorry sorry for condemning you big big monkey. It's all wenwen's surprise's fault, I don't care! Hahaa. I'm so happy to see you, so happy to take a photo with you. Oh my god I sound so obsessed. And I love you girls too, so damn much. You guys are my kryptonite pls. Hahahaa. :)

how will i know your voice, when you hvn't said a word.

Isaa baby maybe you're right. I should sleep earlier, the transit of night into morning is killing me alot I don't know why. Maybe it's just today, maybe it's only now. I cannot let these thoughts swirl around in my head, I cannot fall into the fucking pit. But does it matter, I was never really out anyway. I'm just in a fucking state of frenzy, so totally messed up.

I am a little disappointed. Should I be, am I qualified to be. I hate it when I feel lousy, I hate it when I cannot seem to understand.

And you, we love you so so much. Whenever I hear or see you choking on your words or crying, my heart breaks pls. Breaks into a million pieces. Hahahaa. And I'm amazed how easily I can cry at that too. I could cry forever. Hahaa. Don't say it's okay when it's not okay. We are here, always here, even though you always make my eyes roll and drop out 100000times.

how come we are already 22. :(

What a damn tiring day with four hours of sleep and shuttling between classes and interview and rushing home to prepare to go out. I slept throughout all my train journeys, even when I was standing up. Thank you for dinner, love you all!




Somebody secretly wants to slap me for blogging emo and want-to-die entries always. Don't slap me pls, you can try to win me over with your cliches. Hahaa. I'll take my words back, I'm actually really scared of them.

It's good, no birthday cake, no candles to blow out, no wishes to make. Somebody must have had invented it as a mean of self-delusion. It keeps you believing, for at least a year. I don't want to make useless, senseless, futile wishes anymore. They can't keep my faith for long.

You're always walking away.

and there's no need to recognize me anymore.

I'll keep it as this, cover everything up, conceal as much as I could, so nobody would be able to look through the veil. It's so amazingly thin actually, but I'll try to keep it as opaque as I can. Just a barrier, and it's a world of difference. And I know they can't be seen clearly now; and you end up seeing what you think you are seeing. No, I will try not to lay the tiles in the open for everyone to see now. Not anymore.

My bread flew out of the toaster today. :(

Fuck 730am wake up days.

原来伤心也会上瘾.

Feels as if I'm standing in the middle of nowhere, in a world so fleeting it could possibly disappear in the blink of an eye. I can't place a name to the emotions I'm feeling these days. It's like they don't really exist. I'm like losing the name/emotion/feeling/symbol/ideal and everything I based my very self on. It's as if they detached themselves from me, or rather, I tore them away from myself one by one, no matter how hurting it was. It's so unreal I don't even know how to describe it.

I wake up sometimes, wondering who I am, and it scares the fuck out of me. Because I don't feel myself, I don't feel it anymore.

it's easier to lie.

The ones who said they'll be there.
The ones who said they could be trusted.
The ones who said everything nice before everything fell apart.
All lies, when the backs are turned.

Words could mean so much, yet they could crumble and dissolve into nothing.
Then just don't say pls, just fucking keep your mouth shut.
Because I remember, because I never do forget.

So fucking exhausted. So fucking killing me.
If it's this, then just leave me alone.
I am better off alone.

I just have to comment about this person I encountered who made my eyes roll to the back of my sockets 100000 times. So I was supposed to order something for the club’s welfare giveaway. And that man whom I contacted, he called me one day when I was still in the middle of my sleep. Since I was still groggy and everything, my voice was like a little hoarse because my throat wasn’t totally cleared yet. And in the middle of the conversation, he actually said ‘I really like your voice you know.’ That really freaked me out and woke me up from my half asleep state. I could only apologize and said I was actually still sleeping. I was thinking maybe he really had this fetish for just-woken-up-from-sleep kind of voice, so okay. Still, I was disgusted please. So I refrained from any phone conversations and emailed him the next time. Today he called me to confirm my orders and he made the same comment again. Bloody hell. And I was awake, no hoarse or sexy voice please. I was so so freaked out and disgusted. How could anybody make such comments in a business call?! I just want to shudder and die. I won't ever ever order from that company again please.

And I was too horrified to even want to ask for discounts lah!

and i just need a little more time with you.

Fuck it, can you help?

Can you see what's beneath the smiles, can you can you?

You can't, you don't, you refuse to.

I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE///////////////////

argh.

i'll listen to you, if i could.

And we can’t be 14 no more, when our little cold war games could end by just a lollipop. It was so easy to be happy and contented then. It was so easy to be angry and scream it out and everything will be okay again. Where have the innocence and simplicity gone to? And it’s because we realized the increased complexity of things as we grow up, that’s why we try so hard to grasp at the reality, that’s why we try all means to convince ourselves that life is actually very simple. Hey, who are we kidding? If it was so, we wouldn’t even have the need to try and justify the simplicity of things at all.

My deepest regret of all, it could marr me all my life. It made me understand just how bent I am in torturing myself, by not forgiving myself. It’s self destruction, the path I’ve gradually set myself onto. I’ll let it remain hidden, and I pray that it remains so. But please tell me, that I’m not destined to go through these many times. I don’t want to fall once, get up, just to fall back in again. It took me a lot a lot of time. And it will take me even more now. My mind won’t let go of me. It wants to break me apart totally. Then perhaps, I should remain broken, so I’ll never have the chance to be pieced back, just to be broken all over again.

Why do the hurt, the cruelty, the selfishness, the disappointment and everything else get amplified so much more now. Don’t we grow up, to be better people? Why these then? We used to speak our mind, we used to shout it all out. Now, it’s all but an absence of words.

Because we aren’t kids anymore. Because we aren’t kids anymore.

I wished my time could have stopped then, then. It would have been, a much more beautiful world.

you're the voice in my head.

I didn't manage to wake up in time for my lecture today again. Switched off my alarm after some credit card person called and woke me up, then I slept in for half an hour unknowingly. Must be the dreams. I had so many fucking dreams my head is still feeling heavy now. I must stop sleeping near to the crack of dawn.

And I could also shift the blame to the match yesterday that made me so irritated. Bloody hell of a referee. My poor Liverpool. Arghh. Plus someone who made my eyes roll to the back of my sockets, over and over again. Everything made my head want to split so bad. So I needed all the sleep I could get to recover from all these.

I slept so much, yet my head is heavy and my eyes hurt like shit. Get the damn dreams out of my head please.

i died a hundred times.

Yummy J.CO donuts, the strawberry one was absolutely love.


And steamboat at Von's house although I came late and only ate a little. Hahaa. I love love monopoly seriously.



Why am I still not asleep when I'm fucking tired. Just fucking torturing myself, trying to pick up the remnants of my broken self. It's disgusting, how I'm starting to evade everything. I can feel, I know when my gaze becomes shifty, when I fear that people will see through me.

Yes, smile. Yes, laugh. And I will. Just that maybe one day, it'll be so hard to tease apart a real one from a self-deluded one. I don't want everything to become a facade, a self delusion eventually. It wasn't meant to be this way. I don't want to hate the person I'm becoming. It makes everything so hard to bear, makes it so hard for me to take those steps forward, makes me want to turn around and run away and never look back.

just want, to smile like before.

No time for proper lunch, no time for coffee today. And I cannot have my coffee now because it will kill me instead. It's so hard, going without coffee for a day. Getting harder, getting harder, I don't know why. My hands tremble without it.

I see all the work piling over now. It scares the fuck out of me. Luckily for a sweet professor who gives us Yanyan and Kinder Bueno to reward us for our hard work. Such gestures, buy me over totally. I'm such a cheapskate.


This sense of dread, unhappiness, low affect and everything bad is ubiquitous. Tell me, why do you haunt me so?

again again again again ////

Still, they smudged everything I took great pains to put forth, in a mere split second. They washed away every single thing I tried to build up, and I scrambled to put them back in place, before they were all gone. But still, they’re gone, they’re gone. Will be okay tomorrow, just to be not okay the next, and it traps me, in a fucking vicious cycle.

I see you smiling, why can’t I smile like you, why can’t I be like you, why can’t I be you? You look so happy, I wanna be you, or you, or you. Just not me. Please? If begging helps, I would have gone on my knees umpteen times.

Hello world, I guess you’re sick of me. Yeah I know, and I’m sorry for hanging around too long. Far too long.

where did it all go.

Sometimes I wished I didn't have that sixth sense. I could feel things, more than you think I could. Sometimes I just know, I just know. But I'll just fake ignorance and go by, because what's use of it to affirm, to justify. Maybe if it wasn't this way, then it wouldn't be this hard. Then I wouldn't get killed by my incessant thoughts.

I am so tired today. Battled the rain and treaded each step carefully and painstakingly so that I wouldn't splash dirty water on my white shorts, had the food I used to love more, got my red strands, finally tried my Mr Bean soya bean with pearls. Now I'm fighting hard not to succumb to my caffeine fix. They do weird things to my head if I have it too much, or too late. I get drifted in and out of sleep, dreaming and not dreaming all at the same time. And I'll wake up feeling so zonked out.

Darlings, and sheesha-loving.

you could be my unintended.

I like the feeling of feeling so fucking tired and you just can't stop yourself from falling asleep on the train. The momentary ease of dozing off gives me such great satisfaction I can't explain it. In fact, I do miss that ease of going into slumber every night. I miss putting my head on the pillow, feeling like nothing in my head bothers me at all and waking up with a smile on my face. I'm gradually forgetting how these feel like anymore.

Birthday dinner for Kelda at Shokudo Japanese Pizza & Pasta, then we squeezed like mad in a car and ran like crazy people in our heels that hurt like fuck to the Singapore Flyer because we imagined it wouldn't wait for us if we missed our ticket timing. Nothing I would really go again for, though it's good to still go for it once. It would be better if the capsule actually shook like the ferris wheel maybe. I would still prefer to try some exciting shit like bungee jumping and parachuting. I need to know that my heart could still beat and thump in my chest vigorously. These days, all I feel and hear is silence. And silence. And we went for sheesha at Arab St! Let's all go blow some smoke in the air more often. I loved sitting down there, talking, drinking, resting and sheesha-ing. I need to get more addictions into my life.

These days I feel a terrible urge and need to grasp hold of many things. But the harder I try and the more conscious I am of it, the more difficult it is. In all its salience, everything starts to come fast but leaves as quick too. I'm trying, trying to hold on to it, trying to keep it there, but it just keeps slipping away.

And all I can keep telling myself and others is "why should I give a fuck" and "I don't fucking care". Is this really self destruction, or really, just pure denial. But I still keep asking myself why, that it has to come to this.

你一直问我为什么, 我却发现我找不到答案.
也许现在只能说, 为什么不.

but where else could i go, where else could i go.

The comforting thing is waking up in the morning, feeling really really far away from home, far from things that will remind you of everything. And having that absolute need to lie on the bed straight away because your head is spinning, and laughing uncontrollably over funny shit clips. And thank you for the breakfast, my turn to make you some next!

I'm tired too, from doing nothing yet feeling like I've done alot alot and yet feeling like I've wasted the whole bloody day. Today I feel like someone, walking on unfamiliar grounds, breathing a different air, and just being really far away from things I've known.

We just randomly ate and sat down everywhere today. First it was at Waraku Pasta for dinner.


And I had my coffee fix at Wang Jiao because my eyes were threatening to close any moment. And we saw Shaun Chen! Then we had the best ever soya bean ice cream at Mr Bean.


And another round of coffee at Starbucks. An amazingly nice outlet, just so apt for a hideout.


Why did I feel like I never wanted the time to go home to come at all? I wished time could crawl, stop, anything, just not move on. I could stop in the moment in time and just, stay. And it was so fucking cold the whole day, I didn't feel like I was in a place I knew at all. And if only everyday could be like this. If only.

And now I'm back, the only familiar thing that greets me is the feeling of thousand needles stabbing in my head. My head hurts so fucking bad I guess everything in me is just telling me that I don't want to be back at all.

darling, can we abscond.

No Phuture today, again! Damn it. We need to go again and again until we manage to get in! Back home at 0215 because I was chui again. A dizzy piece of shit on the dance floor, and I fertilized the bushes with my puke, yet again.

My weekly hideout at rebecca toh's house, typing on the lousy keyboard. I hope she'll be nice today and share her bed and blanket with me.

So fucking tired I wanna die.

how, how did i lose my way?

All the words, running through my head. All the images, flashing through my head. I feel deliriously overwhelmed, hopelessly gone. Sometimes I'll feel so surreal, so unreal, don't know who I am, don't know where I am, don't know all the have-beens. Was I ever there? Or like they said, everything becomes a figment of your imagination with time. What's real, is what you cannot see.

It's so hard to remember sometimes, everything that you once believed in. I forget what I want to remember, and remember what I want to forget. I'm just such a joke afterall, useless, and everything I think I am not. Weak in the bones, weak in the head, weak in the soul. I don't know. I don't know.

It's like, I never lived at all.

I can hear the silence screaming to me. It is so fucking loud, I wish it would stop. But I can't find the sound in my throat.

for you, a thousand times over.

The Kite Runner is an amazing book. It kept me up the whole night, made me slept past my alarm and skipped my lecture. But I just can't help it. After I woke up, I could do nothing but fervently continued and flipped through till the last page of the book. As with all good books, that same sense of loss, abruptness, devastation overwhelm me when I finally got to the last page. I think I never liked stories to end.

"Happiness like this is frightening...They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you."

This book made me cry and cry. Like, what's new. But it's really a good read, and that's why I feared getting started on it in the first place. Because I know when I start on something good, I just have to finish it. There's nothing in me that is able to stop me from being thrown into the story and wanting to devour every single word in one shot.

"I woke up with a scream trapped in my throat."

-

We had Korean bbq for dinner yesterday to celebrate my mummy's birthday. It was amazing shit. I loved the little side dishes that filled the whole table, the random vegetables that looked almost too pretty to be eaten, the waitresses who would cook and cut and serve you the food, the handwipes that would bloat and rise in contact with water. They didn't look like the usual will-become-a-cloth-once-you-soak-it-in-water thing so my brother actually told me they were sweets initially. Luckily he asked what it was, because I almost wanted to eat it. He secretly wanted me to believe him so I'll be taken in and eat it and then it'll expand in my stomach.

Sorry your lousy sister is just a broke piece of shit and couldn't contribute anything to the dinner. I hope your card could withstand the swipe, and also a few more that I know you would be helping me swipe for.

脱节的感觉不好受, 什么都不知道的感觉不好受, 一切的一切都不好受.
我也不喜欢觉得好像只有自己一个人在懦弱. 是多么的愚蠢, 多么的不甘心. 但是却对这讨厌的一切束手无策.

你不救我, 我知道为什么, 我知道为什么.

有一种冲动, 想做很多很多的事. 想用最快的速度, 逃得远远的. 因为有太多的事, 需要装着不了解和不在乎, 其实真的真的很困难, 很痛心. 也许你永远都不会了解你伤了我多重, 也许你永远都不会了解我已没有勇气再捡起这些碎片而试着把它拼凑起来. 它们就像镜子的碎片, 而我不愿也不敢再有机会望着镜子里的自己. 为什么一个人能够这么讨厌自己的存在, 这么厌倦看着时间一秒一秒地过去. 每一天醒来, 就好像一场恶梦. 每一天的开始, 都好像源源不断的折磨.

也许如果我努力地盯着前方, 努力地不眨眼, 努力地不看不听不想, 世界就会突然在我眼前消失.

一直莫名其妙地在颤抖. 这个冰冷的感觉, 一直没有离开过, 而只是越来越强烈.

回忆已变成了我的恶魔, 不停地纠缠着我, 让我一直都不想醒来.

can you tell me i'm wrong.

I’ve been proven right again. My happiness today came in the form of Krispy Kreme, but right after dinner I realized I dropped one side of my River Island earrings. Of all earrings, it had to be the one I liked the most right now, the one which was the most expensive I ever bought. And I wasn’t even lucky enough to realize it before it was too late even when I have this obsession of touching my ears and making sure my earrings are still there every now and then. I just couldn’t recall where it could have possibly dropped. And I am so pissed, so angry, so sad.

Funny how my mood suddenly took a huge plunge when I realized that it was gone. I felt as if I lost something really precious. This fucking low affect is washing through every single part of me now I feel horribly lousy. Coupled with the movie that we watched during bs803 today which made me cry like shit, I seriously feel like I’m so down in the pits. Why do they always screen movies that make me cry anyway, what the fuck.

Please let me know if anyone’s dropping by River Island anytime soon, like tomorrow or something. Damn it I want my earrings back. Now.

为什么好像拼命地在寻找一个大声痛哭的借口. 所有零零碎碎的事都突然间被放大了许多,变得特别刺眼. 有一种非常非常不快乐的感觉,有一种非常非常想哭的念头.眼泪却,掉不下来.

好像离自己越来越远,而每一天感觉越来越心寒.

, 11:18 PM

I was reading through an article in Her World yesterday and I found it so apt, though it's not convenient to explicitly say what it is about. But yeah, no matter how much we think we could accept, do or mirror them, we are still not the new men, yet. In the end, we just lose terribly. Blame it on these hormones in us. I can't stop or change the way my brain and mind works after all, even though I thought I could. Self delusion, that's all there is to it.

Downing a cup of coffee at this time may not exactly be the best idea, but I am hoping and praying, that something can make me focus my mind of studying.

I walk around school everyday, feeling like a fake piece of shit, feeling like everybody could see me, but yet, they couldn't see what I am really inside. And something inside of me is laughing at their ignorance, and at the demise of my own sanity.

I've got all my plans, on how to run away. I hope they'll work out, somehow. That's my only last plea now.

i'll never say i miss, ever again.

That is why I said happiness disappears the very moment it comes. I cannot even be happy for a while, because something else would be taken away from me soon after. Stupid rebecca toh. How could you make me stay home on a Wednesday night?! Hahaa. Don't worry, I still love you though. I should just be good and stay home to study for my quiz on Friday, which I am like, twenty percent prepared for? What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm so disgusted, with how I am messing up my whole life.

Why is it just so difficult still?

You, you make me feel like a lousy piece of shit. Am I just so fucking bad. Fuck.

i've got my heart set, on anywhere but here.

Happiness is, stealing buffet food from some random function in school when you're really really hungry. We weren't really stealing though, we knew what it was for, we had a person somewhat justified to take the food, but we brazenly helped ourselves to many servings and monkey darling had the HSS hoodie on, which made us so much more conspicuous.


Happiness is, my current Mos iced milk tea addiction. The milk they give is amazing shit. I like to satisfy my addiction, I don't practise delayed gratification.

Happiness is, something that you'll forget tomorrow.
Because when you wake up, you'll realize nothing was meant for you, nothing was meant to be.
And you'll start again, running and chasing something which you'll forget soon, something which will just fade and never stays.

But yayy, for now I'm happy because I'm going for supper! And if things work out fine, there'll be many decadent and lovely nights ahead. :)

how do you say goodbye to someone you've never known?

Big monkey asked me why I dressed so indecently today. Hahaha. Bloody hell, I didn't think I did. He just has a warped sense of indecency seriously. Since he found that girl okay when she dressed until so so low and her cleavage was practically accentuated, but he could actually argue that my top had no straps and it looked like it could slip and drop any moment. Haha thank you very much. But it's okay, I don't care or bother about such things anymore. I like it this way.

The library ain't conducive for studying. The bookshelves had this magnetic pull to them, I just kept losing concentration and went looking around once in a while for books. Tell me how to keep my focus on the dry dry materials when there are much more lovely things around?


Got started on Murakami's Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman and it's pretty good, in a weird and abrupt kinda way. Hvn't been reading his books for long, but they have this amazing mysterious sexiness quality to them. His words make you want to read on, to read more. But I didn't borrow it because I never ever finished any books I borrow from the school library, and it's too heavy. And I want to read Catherine Lim's Leap of Love and Following the Wrong God Home!

I love pretty friendly and nice salespeople really. Went for a talk, and the goodie bag wasn't that great after all. Instead, I spent a bomb on ettusais. But, it's a need, it's a need, I have to keep telling myself. I have to replenish my stuff once they run out anyway. And there's a free pretty lip palette, so I'm still happy! And Mos has the best best iced milk tea ever I swear. It is so good and I am so hooked.

take a breath, take a step, maybe down below.

I miss, days of laughing and going cranky on 4012. Just like old times, when we were always, always together. Hello you, in your hot raybans, where are you now? We are seeing you less and less and we don't even have meals together much now! :(


I miss days of sitting around in school on benches, churning out the endless work we had to do. Just sitting around, talking, laughing, taking random photos and watching people walk by. Or is it just we don't do work now?! Hahaa.



The day we almost died of internal combustion. We do look quite funny, now looking at the pictures. Hahaha. But I love the crazy things we do. I love how we just don't care.


I love love you all.
And I miss the days when it's so easy for all of us to be together; for lectures, for tutorials, for meals.

And I miss, how I used to be.

the pain i'm addicted to.

We all have secrets, secrets that we wouldn't want others to know, secrets that we even try hard to keep from ourselves. But if I could say this, could it mean then, that I am in full view of things about myself I don't ever want to know? No wonder, no wonder I'm feeling this way.

Don't get too close, because the only possible step next is to move back.


, 2:00 AM

Listening to songs through earphones plugged into your ears could be so overwhelming. They conjure emotions like anything. They kill me.

"just wanna run just wanna hide away..."

NONONONONOIWILLNOTBURSTIWILLNOTCRYIWILLNOTCAREIWILLBEOKAY.
HOWDOISTOPHOWDOISTOPMYSELF.
WHYWHYWHYAMICRYING.AGAINAGAINAGAINAGAIN.

though i wouldn't say it anymore.

I do hate to have those hits by bouts of dizzy spells occasionally, when I don't know what's wrong and I just to have to lie down and close my eyes and wait for it to pass. It happens sometimes, when I wake up exceptionally early by my own standards. My chest feels constricted and there seems to be a war going on inside my stomach. Disgusting.

I figure I'm not exactly governed by practical, or pragmatic thoughts. I'm more of an idealist, made confused by cynicism. Still, I don't believe in making out a theory, getting an explanation or reason out of everything. Or perhaps it's made so because I can't find one, or I don't get one most of the times. You seek the answers, the reasons, to make yourself convinced of what you have seemingly chosen. But sometimes, just a I-don't-know will suffice. And maybe, that would really be the most apt.

It's just a cold, hard and bitter world. Search less for the same cold, hard, bitter and realistic things the world has to offer. Have a little bit of imagination. Or perhaps, it's just because having a foot in reality makes it so hard to bear for me.

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Tanning at Sentosa today, but the sun was hiding behind the clouds. Still, we tanned and I fell asleep, drifting in and out of many many dreams. My face is sunburnt, weirdly, when the sun wasn't even out and I didn't feel the heat at all!

Watched The Leap Years. It's good, really, and Li Lin is so so pretty! Though sad, but still too much of a fairytale happy ending to be true. They played really amazing songs that were so so apt too. Especially one Corrinne May's song, it made me cry and cry when they played it. It was so heartwrenching, so soul tearing, just so breaking.

We had dinner at Seah Im after that and I had my favorite yupianmeefen. And that's Von's sinful nasi lemak!


So much unintended spending today too. And the whole internship thing is making me sick. I want to go for work and travel, somewhere, somewhere far far away.

If you are not too long, I will wait for you all my life. -- Oscar Wilde


Just wanna run
Just wanna hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just wanna leave
Don't wanna hear them say
You're no good at this

When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Swimming in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be just
Melting in your hands

Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

Scars make us stronger for life