我知道, 如果是我伤害了别人, 我也宁愿受伤的是自己. 我愿意承担所有的不快乐, 所有的悲伤. 但当我是当事者的时候, 当这种痛让我感到痛不欲生的时候, 我真的真的很想说, 到底几时才能停止, 到底可不可以不要再痛了. 原来我根本不是那么伟大, 那么坚强. 那些花了很多时间才找回来的快乐, 自信, 潇洒和原来的自己, 已经被人狠狠地掏空了. 我已经是什么都不想要了, 真的什么都不想要了. 我只想坐在这里, 什么都不做, 什么都不想, 就让眼泪陪伴着我. 就这样慢慢的看着世界走过, 看着世界遗忘了我. 真的真的没有笑容了. 泪是热的, 心, 却是冷的.

我也很想抱着你, 告诉你一切都会过去的, 但到底需要多久, 到底真的会吗?

is it even wrong, to only want, to be happy.

其实简单而单纯的快乐并不是很困难, 而只是根本不存在.

and i plead.

The things that people unknowingly let loose, pierce me in a way nobody knows. Every single word sting, but all I can do is to nod and smile. Everything affirms me of how I really, really was just so insignificant, how I really didn’t matter that much. Yes, I feel inadequate, I feel like I’m nothing in comparison. You make me feel that I’m a monster, that I’m just somebody so hard to be with. All along, I’ve been trying to find the reasons, the justifications, for everything I’ve done. But I just can’t seem to find any to convince myself. There’s just this hole left in me, where something has been ripped out cruelly.

In life, there’s many things one could run away from. If running away was easy, I would have done it. I think I’ll do that best. But some things, when you want to run away but you don’t actually really want to, and you can’t, makes it all even harder. The conflicting emotions tear me apart terribly. And I realized, there’s really an inherent difference between the different sexes. Words, intentions and many other things are seen and interpreted so differently, or perhaps not even interpreted at all, I’m amazed. So maybe, you really wouldn’t understand what I’m saying, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me it’s not worth it. Is that supposed to make me feel any better at all?

Believe me, I hate feeling dysfunctional, or rather, I hate wanting to be so dysfunctional. This time, I’m really scared, really torn. I feel so much pain that I’ve never felt before and it intensifies every single day. But I think I do seem better with each day, I talk more, laugh more and maybe act more like how I was like before? But it’s a reverse effect, the more I can numb myself on the outside, the more ruined I am internally.

Don’t judge, the appropriateness of my emotions just from the things you know.

为什么只能拼命地请求我的心, 不要, 不要再痛了.

and i don't want a conversation, i just want to cry in front of you.

I love you rebecca toh. I love hugging you so tight and dancing. Please be there, when I need to escape and run away. It's time to embark on my plan, to lead a decadent lifestyle. Ours, maybe? So, don't fly away in January! Or please don't be gone for months at least. See you, every Wednesday? We could run away and hide in the crowd so nobody can see us, nobody can find us. And the next time if I don't get drunk, I wouldn't forgive myself.

Maybe it's time, to become someone else I don't even recognize, because I don't want to be anything I had been by far.

I’ve never realized, that I really never do watch those happy, sappy, warm Christmas movies and the likes. Movies like Love Actually and The Holiday, most people would have watched them and proclaimed how nice they were, how they could watch them over and over again. Oddly enough, I steer away from such shows, or perhaps, subconsciously avoid them. Things that are too sweet, that make you wish you were like it too, are just not part of reality. So I’m still, cynical after all.

And I’m really only just a weak and weepy girl, nothing more than that. When I watch a sad show, I’ll cry. When I read a sad story, I’ll cry. When I hear a sad song, I’ll cry. When I feel sad, angry, stressed, I’ll cry. When I see people cry, I’ll cry. When you look at me with your big and soulful eyes and ask me why, I’ll cry too. What’s wrong with me? One day, I’ll just collapse and die. I hope so.

Merry Christmas. I’m not happy, but you could be.

yes i can still laugh, but can you see the pain in my eyes.

One moment I'll be happy, thinking that I'll be able to see the people I love later. But I fear seeing so many people, afraid to not be able to be as happy as I should be.

Just let Christmas be over, New Year be over, just let everything be over. I don't want to celebrate. Just let the year be over, I never want, to be 21 again. But what difference will it make. A new year, doesn't make, a different me.

Hvn't I said I feared the emptiness the most. And now it's all here, it's all mine. Rip my heart out, tear my mind apart, I don't want to be able to feel, to think. I know, I'm so gone. Everything is just overwhelming me again. Everything is just killing me over and over again and yet, I don't seem to die.

I can't stop, can't stop the tears.
I feel, like puking.

As much as I want to be here, I don't want to be here.

and, tell me, where do I go from here?

Thank you for Mellben Seafood and Bedok bar chor mee. Although food doesn't make me as happy as it used to, I loved the company. :) And thank you Soon Soon Kwang Kwangg Kwanggg for the steamboat at your place! The food was really just too bloody alot and the balls scared the hell out of me and sausages doesn't induce that happiness in me anymore too. But it was still nice and I love to do grocery shopping and thank you for always being so funny. You're funny too, my dear Xiaoshouzhi, but not exactly the nicest to me because you were fierce on the mahjong table!

Still so so, tired. I could stare and stare at the clock and watch the second hand go by. I could sit and stare and stare into the distance. I wish I could stop and live in that moment forever, just stop there and just, stay. But my mind still wouldn't let me. Every single thing I see, every single thing I hear, every single thought I think, hurts. I hate, seeing all the things I've never wanted to see in myself. However I thought myself to be, the reality is far from it. If you couldn't deal with my destructive emotions, what makes you think then, that I could? See it as an internal fight within me, then you wouldn't have to do anything, then you wouldn't have to care. Because it's just me, just me.

But I hate, the position I'm in now. I hate it. I didn't want it to be like that. Why, must it be me? I don't want to lose anything I've never wanted to lose. I hate the repercussions. I hate to feel that I'm feeling worst, feeling more terrible than I could have ever been, while you're there, seemingly having found a silver lining in the clouds. I can't deal with that. I don't want, to be here.

And everyday, I could only have these monologues with myself. That's all I'm left with; myself and my thoughts.

When you've not reached the bottom, it doesn't mean you're not falling.

do, do what makes you happy.

Honestly, I don't like the feeling of not feeling happy when I see the food I'm supposed to like in front of me. The moment after I put something in my mouth, I just want to push it all away. It wasn't like that. I didn't want to be like that. But it just happened.

Always thought it would be easy to say, but now I've fully understood how it feels like to have words stuck in your throat. I was meant, to swallow everything down and perhaps, let the words eat me from the inside. I could only bite my teeth, clench my fists, and hope that the cracking moment would just pass. My head, it hurts so much every second I swear, I hope, and I wish, an artery inside would burst.

I don't want to walk on that old path, it doesn't belong to me. So, don't put me on it. Even though I've tried, even though I could if I wanted to, I've never really ran away. It's only a matter of whether you actually bothered to find.

为什么已经找不回那种种让我有幸福的感觉的东西.

it hurts to want everything, and nothing at the same time.

I don't why but the tears just flowed when you hugged me. Maybe it's the hug, they do miraculous things to me. Maybe it's just you, because I really hvn't seen you for so so long and I didn't realize I really do miss you quite a bit. But you're flying away so so soon, couldn't you bring me along with you? I could do with getting away from here. Still, I love you, and am really happy to be able to see you after so long.

I hate it when the fucking beer kills my head when I'm barely even high, and am absolutely nowhere near to being drunk. I can't stand the throbbing in my head and I hate it because I can't use it to make me feel better, even for awhile. I need, to cross this threshold.

Why do I feel so terribly lousy whenever I wake up in the mornings. I abhor, the thought of waking up every single morning so much, it's slowly killing me inside. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but no one said it would be this hard.

What can you do, when you want the nights to end, and the mornings to never come.

hello stranger

Excerpts from 幾米's 又寂寞又美好.

Thank you, for the gift.

月亮升起時, 我抹去眼淚.

一隻座頭鯨, 忽然躍出水面.
在我眼前歡樂地跳舞歌唱.

但為什麽我仍然無法克止
心中那源源不絕的悲傷呢?

我們只是擁抱,
我們只會擁抱,
可惜擁抱很難持久.

只有最堅定的死亡,
才能永遠擁抱在一起.

我踏入地圖上
一片消失的沙漠中,
我失去了名字,
失去了身份,
也失去了記憶.

地球不停地轉啊轉,
轉啊轉,
轉啊轉,
轉啊轉……
我究竟是在何時,
脫離了地心引力,
消失在地圖上呢?

why do I still see, nothing.

12 Storeys was depressing, and dark in a way, but really good. An amazing way to spend the night, but nothing lasts forever, and soon, it's always back, to here again. How comforting is that.

As I start destroying myself in this endless cycle of self-destructing emotions, I'm beginning to perhaps get in touch with who I really am. Maybe I'm really innately screwed up, finding more comfort in staying in the pain, rather than to walk out of it, only to fall back in again, surely, one day. I still, see no point in it. I seemed to be self-absorbed too, like you. So perhaps, we all are. But I truly believe this mechanism which triggers everything terrible in me is different from others. The diathesis-stress model, maybe I do possess the inherent vulnerability which makes me more susceptible to it when triggered by external events. And I fully understand how prone I am to it, no matter whether it's just a pervasive feeling without any apparent reason or one with a reason I absolutely cannot brush away, no matter how hard I try. Why am I even afraid, to name the it. Because I always thought it was just part of my adolescence angst, something that was perhaps, just made up by myself, and would go away if I wanted it to. But what if it wasn't, what if it wouldn't?

Although the something inside of me may be pervasive, may be destructive, it doesn't mean I would take the blame for everything. It doesn't mean the problem now only lies with me, it doesn't mean it's all up to me. It just, doesn't work that way. I'm different. When I sink, I really, just sink. Time doesn't work with me. If it's all up to me, I'll just drift away and lose myself progressively, because it's just easier to run away, alone. Of course, if that's what you really want, then don't worry, you'll ultimately get it. If it doesn't matter to you, then just, let it be. Everybody's actually just selfish, only caring about getting what they want, following what they feel, making themselves feel better. I know, I could be like that. But, you are too. The only difference, is who stands on which end.

I know my coping style is maladaptive. It doesn't exactly makes me feel better, but if nothing else does anyway, then why not? So many things I've tried, doesn't work. Everything's just fleeting, and when you lose focus for just a second, everything will come crashing down again. I have had too many of these moments, so why should I even continuing trying? I have imagined and thought through many many ways, but I lack just that little bit of courage to make it all work. Don't know if I should be glad or sad about that.

Seems like the rain's never going to stop. I'll never ever get my sun in this way. And it makes me really really sad. Futsal's match today, and the supposedly lack of players became like too many people suddenly. And I didn't get to play, but it's okay because I couldn't control the ball for nuts. But we still had our own post futsal game, netball game, so it was still very very fun. And although you wouldn't be able to see this, thank you Weejin for sprinting with me. I almost forgot how good sprinting feels. The air against your cheeks, the rush of adrenaline is almost heavenly. And it's been so long, but I finally got to do my rounds again. I think I really love running. The stitches were almost tearing me apart, but I just continued running and running. I love pushing myself in this way. I could have gone on forever. And if only I could, because the track's never-ending, you really could go on forever. But I know, I still have to stop, and return to wherever I was.

I miss hall life too. Had been over at Weejin's room with monkey to wash up ourselves after the trainings/games. And it's Hall8 too, so there's this wonderfully nostalgic feeling, and I'm even surprised at that. If only we could all live together, side by side. We could have lots and lots of fun. And thank you darling monkey, I know you could make me smile. Even though I lose myself at times; while taking a moment off and sitting on the court alone, while running by myself, while walking by myself, you could still somehow bring me back in a way. Dinner at Adam Road Food Centre was great, ice-cream at Island Creamery was a bliss too. I could sit down with you guys and talk forever. I love you so so much.

But I still feel so ruined, so broken. There's just too many things I cannot understand, I cannot accept. Somehow, I'm starting to lose myself, or perhaps, I've already lost myself. Could I pass the hurt to you, why must they be all for me. Do you even know just how much, how much I'm really crumbling down inside. I fear, every single moment I have with myself.

would you erase me?

I wish, I wish Lacuna Inc. existed.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

End this, end this for me.

And I'm still a wreck. A damn fucking wreck.

I know, I don't matter anymore.

Something off a blog I randomly came across, and I think it's damn good. It alludes to Lust, Caution, so if you've watched it, you'll find it so so poignant.


quote

He, who kept his life together, even as he fell in love.
She, who let hers fall apart, because she fell in love.

The inherent difference between a man and a woman:

He, who would give up nothing for her.
She, who gave up everything for him.

/unquote



If I could churn out words like these, I would die happy.

I know I'm putting myself on a breakable thread, letting words flow out like this. Sometimes I have so much to say when I'm on my own, and if I don't find an outlet, I could possibly suffocate my brain. But still, it doesn't make me feel alot better. I don't know, but just let me be.

When the time's too short to be significant and there's nothing to remember by, everything will fade with time. I'll be forgotten too. And I'll be there, alone, still grasping and clawing at the emptiness which nobody sees, except myself.

Yes, I'm stuck in my own narrow, small and imagined world. There's so much more out there, but that doesn't really matter does it, if I can't first walk out of the one I'm in. Everybody likes happy words, happy people. It's okay, you don't have to love me, because I don't even love myself.

Maybe this is how it should be. Perhaps I was never meant to be happy.

Fuck the rain.

My mind, it works in a fucking warped way I can't help it. And it can't stop. Thought it'll be okay, thought I'll be okay, I truly want to, wish to; but in the next instant, I'll feel all fucking screwed up again. Why, does it never end, just when it seems to end. Why, does it just repeats itself ceaselessly, killing me, over and over again. Why, do I just feel so, hopelessly defeated. Is it even selfish, to want to not feel this hurt. Why, must I try to find back who I was. Why, couldn't I have kept it with me. Why, do I have to lose myself, then try to find myself. What if, just what if, there's no chance of finding it back anymore. It's not about being pessimistic; it's about seeing the world as it is, it's about not being delusional. I know, I'm just fucking trapping myself.

Something's missing. What did I lose along the way? But there's no time to find it back anymore; nobody ever waits for you. You'll have to smile and laugh along with the world, no matter how much, how long you bleed inside. Then keep me locked in my dreams; though haunting, they are more comforting.

Maybe one day, you'll turn around and realize, I'm already not there anymore. And maybe then, you'll be the happiest.

I don't want to be like this. Then tell me how, how do I stop my mind from thinking. It just never ever stops. It has never, never been this hard.

Don't take me up to the heavens; and throw me into hell. You could, at least, leave me on some solid ground to tread on. But, it's okay. I'm here, and I'll be here.

Why, why do I feel so tired. My head, it hurts.

Thank you Isaa baby, for everything. Words are not enough to let you know how much I love you, and how much I appreciate the lovely day spent with you, really. Thank you for watching Lust, Caution with me, our first r21 movie together! Let's have breakfast at Cedele one day. :)



I'm drinking coffee from the cup now and the pooh's already on my mirror. You're the sweetest ever. :) Let's go get wasted soon yes. And I won't tell you to not think too much, because I know, that the mind never ever stops thinking. But for now, do your best for the interviews! Love you.

You don't have to kick addictions; you satisfy them. Just down the coffee, let the drugs work their power. But it's ironic, because it maintains my wakefulness, when all I want is to not wake up. And yet, I haunt myself in my dreams.

Thank you, thank you so much, for watching me fall.