heartbreaking, all over again

Lexie: "Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
Mark: It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
Alex: And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
Izzie: That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
Derek: By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Bailey: Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
Owen: So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
Meredith: The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
Arizona: The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Callie: And let it go when we can.
Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away."


Grey's back! It gives me a kind of solace and comfort that few could provide. The words, the music, they are just so amazing.

And it's all good, to be able to start on a near-blank slate, without the common point, without the pressure. I feel like I can talk easily, laugh freely, and just get by like this without that fear and heartache. And I've never been more happy in a while.

and then, you.

Convocation finally. Wasn't all that excited about it, was more worried about tripping while on the stage or the mortar board falling off my head. But it was all fine! Four years didn't certainly feel like four years. Seemed to be over in just a blink, how intriguing. But I love love you guys, for making my school days just amazing.

And it's tomorrow. It's really here this time, after the delays and waiting. I'm excited and looking foward to it, but still a little worried and apprehensive at the same time. But I know, this will also be over soon before I know it.

and if you wait for someone else's hand, you'll fall, you'll fall

Coming back seemed to make time come to a standstill, with all the familiarity around me threatening to swallow me whole, instead of providing me with some sense of comfort it should. Maybe I'm really better off somewhere else, drowning in the thousand of things I could possibly do, leaving no time left for myself, and just wait for the day I would finally break down in exhaustion.

And Grey's is crazily heartbreaking.

Meredith: "As doctors we can't undo our mistakes, and we rarely forgive ourselves for them. But, it's a hazard of the trade. But, as human beings we can always try to do better. To be better. To right a wrong. Even when it feels irreversible. Of course, I'm sorry doesn't always cut it. Maybe because we use it so many different ways. As a weapon. As an excuse. But, when we are really sorry, when we use it right. When we mean it. When our actions say what words never can. When we get it right "I'm sorry" is perfect. When we get it right, "I'm sorry" is redemption."

Meredith: "Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

I could sit here forever, just because.

because it's only goodbye

Sometimes when I hear the shutter sound, I would still feel an uncontrollable jolt of fear through my body. It's like something that had affected me on a subconscious level, because outwardly, I don't think I ever felt disturbed or anything. It's so weird.

And maybe all I ever wanted was some explicit backing from my girlfriends to - I don't know exactly. Feel better, perceive real support instead of trying it have it imagined? I don't know. But not those, not exactly the aftermath I had in mind. Make me want to tear out my eyes every single time. But I know it doesn't really make a difference anymore, because it's over and just too late.

Omg omg Liverpool is really coming!!! I'm going to cross my fingers and hope that nothing goes wrong nothing changes and that I wouldn't be stuck somewhere although the possibility is quite high. I will just cry and die if I can't make it to see my darling Kuytiee pieeee.

Wennn, I'm more excited about this than Yanzi's. Hahahaa.

for what it's worth

Yesterday was a horrifying day. When I wanted to walk into the kitchen, I saw a cockroach wriggling on its back on the floor, so I ran to the bathroom, took the dustbin and slammed it on the cockroach, feeling triumphant and safe. Nabei, you couldn't possibly believe what I saw next. The bloody kitchen floor was infested with cockroaches here and there with their legs pointing to the air. I think I really almost fainted at the sight. Apparently they were cleaning the rubbish chutes and I don't know how but these pests managed to crawl into my kitchen. And since there wasn't any water and they were really randomly scattered everywhere, I bet they were alive and crawling and trying to escape before finally dying. If they didn't die in time and crawled into the rest of the house or my room I think I would have just jumped out of my window to escape them. Fuck.

It was so fucking disgusting and disturbing I think if it happened again I will just have a cardiac arrest.

It did feel fucking bad, you know.


But I'll forget about it, when I wake up in the morning.
Because there's no use torturing yourself with things, that you know, bother only you and nobody else.


Don't lose, not now.