为什么, 每天都想喊累.

I seem to have really horrible nights these days. My old ailment of ache on my right shoulder/neck was so fucking terrible yesterday it kept me awake for the whole damn night. Usually it’s only bad when I’m sitting up and I don’t why it didn’t get better even though I was already lying down. So I drifted in and out of sleep the whole night until I heard my mum woke up in the morning. Arghh. I almost died trying to wake up on time this morning.

And one of my slippers snapped while I was on the train today. So I got out of the train at the next stop and limped outside to find the taxi stand. In the end I just couldn’t drag my feet there with the broken strap anymore so I walked barefooted. And people were looking at me. :( And I wasted taxi fare back home and to school. Sigh. I guess my days will never get better, only worse.

And today was a really really long day I’m seriously tired, again. And I got so pissed with all the trivialities towards the end of the day I just had to walk off. Tired of looking, listening, everything. I don’t see why I could be a maniac, or with emotions difficult to handle, in comparison. But, forget it.

Tomorrow will be a really long day too. It’s time, again.

最近, 好像越来越多的幻觉. 什么是真,什么是假,似乎已变得非常模糊了.

and i just need, that little bit of comfort.

The dreams, they really make me so mentally exhausted, I woke up feeling like I had gotten no rest at all. I still have many many things to do, really a lot, and I don’t know if I’ll have the time to get everything done on time. Somehow I just feel like using up all my time to study. I don’t exactly like doing the rest of the things I have to do. Studying seems really comforting in comparison.

My Human Motivation module intrigues me quite a bit. I love it, but yet I hate it because of some things which I think I’ll never be able to find an acceptance towards. Evolution is so amazing, and yet like shit, seriously. It seems as if it’s giving an unquestionable and undeniable reason for how the different genders are biologically wired and perhaps, pre-determined in many behaviors. And you’ll really feel like shit, because all the explanations just serve to justify how being a female is just so disadvantageous. But like what Wenwen said, just take it that the males have that defective gene in them, it isn’t anything wonderful really. And it’s actually interesting, to be able to read about things that actually really apply in real life and that could even provide some explanations for some of the things that are happening to you. I think I’m somewhat adopting cognitive restraint now, towards my eating behaviors, and yes, it could really be persistent, this artificial boundary I’ve set for myself. Maybe I’ve even managed to lower my set point as well as my homeostatic level.

And I really do hate the feeling of walking into the hospital, especially that particular one. I detest the long corridors, the smell that is so unnerving, yet so familiar, unfortunately. Maybe it’s just that I tend to use a general feeling of abhorrence in hope of covering up my fears. I’m afraid, I’m scared, I don’t want to walk into that place if I don’t have to. The shuffling between school and the hospital is just too familiar, and overwhelming. It's that same feeling all over again. It’s been more than a year, since my grandmother passed away. It’s not exactly a short time, but perhaps, to us, it does not really seem too long ago. And we took quite a while I believe, to get over everything. Do we have to go through it all over again? It pains me, to see you in such great pain.

Coffee does magic to me. And yet, it's like a drug that I've become highly dependent on of late. Maybe soon, it'll just be like poison in my veins. But I'm so fucking tired and I can't get to sleep it sucks.

I love wearing caps these days. It makes me feel very protected physically. I'll wear it when I don't feel like seeing the world, when I don't want anybody to see me. It's amazing, just by bending my head down a little, the whole world seems to disappear for that instant. If only it'll stay that way. And for all the days I've been to school this week, I wore a cap every single day. And so you see, I hope the world would just miraculously disappear under my eyes. I feel as if, I'll need to hide underneath it for the many many days to come.

There seems to be so many questions thrown at me these days I'm getting weary. Actually not exactly weary either, maybe it's just that I hate it when I can't come up with answers, when I feel that I have no capacity left in me to conjure up reasons for things that happen. I don't feel like I'm in any position to give any answers to other people anymore when I can't even find the answers I want myself.

I feel, delirious.

so gone.

And I’m tired again, on a Thursday, and dreading how I’ll be like a dead person in school on Friday for my fucking early lessons. I’m tired, physically and mentally, and hoping that the physical exhaustion will take away the psychological burden which is still very much killing me, even though I’m trying hard to push it away.

And thank you for meeting me after so so long. Even though I didn’t realize it had been this long until you reminded me, strangely I didn’t feel the gap at all. With some people, I guess it’ll just seem like you’ve just been with them the day before, even though it could have been years in fact. And you’re such a psychic I think I really pale in comparison as a psychology student. But it did make talking a lot easier. And I realized, I could laugh through a lot of things that I tell people, although I’m actually all tangled up inside. I love love you and you forgot to give me my hug!

Sometimes I’ll wish that I’ve never said the things I’ve said, but sometimes I’ll wish that I’ve said the things I never got to say. But my mouth could be very very hard, very very stubborn and before the words could slip out at all, I would have swallowed them back again. But I know that my heart can be very very soft, even though I always think that I can harden it, that I can make it cold, make it numb. But in fact, it’s all to cover up and protect what I really am inside. And it pains me actually, to say that I don’t care, because things that you really don’t care about, you won’t even say it. It’s because I care about just too many many things, that’s why everything becomes emphasized and magnified. And it’s actually really hard, to walk away when you feel that there’s really no other way and to try to convince yourself that nothing matters anymore.

I’ve never sighed so much, never cried so much, never felt so lousy, worthless, helpless, hurt, inadequate in my entire life before. I’ve never felt, so utterly screwed up before. It’s like going on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and it never seems to really come to a stop. What can make it come to a stop?

I’m tired, really really tired. Help.

还以为眼泪已经不会流了.
为什么,还是这么没有用.

Although I always said I wished that an artery inside my head would just burst, that I would just sleep and never wake up the next morning, that I would just suddenly stop breathing, all these are meant for myself, not anybody else. It seems like I go through my life in a circle, it keeps going back to the point where I'll think that I wouldn't mind, really wouldn't mind if I were to leave this world this very instant. I wouldn't have anything really holding me back, because I know, leaving is really easy. And yes, it still holds.

But I'm selfish, and these thoughts are only meant for me, not the people around me. So, please be okay.

还是害怕.

当你什么都不剩的时候,
其实只希望能够有一些些话来安抚自己.
当你找不到理由的时候,
其实也只希望有人能够说些什么.
我不能活在自己想像的话当中,
因为我最终只会把自己打垮.
所以只能默默地接受我最后给自己的理由,
反正也没有人愿意试着纠正我.
就只需要那么几句话,
就能让我好过一些,
就能不让我感觉只能带着怨气走.
可是,始终还是等不到.

有时不愿意说的话,
会变成让自己觉得是不需要说的话.

我也跟你一样,需要很多很多字.
无论是什么,还是宁可什么都懂.
不知道对我来说是一种残忍,折磨.
而不管是什么,我都希望和需要有人亲自对我说.
因为有些事,试着告诉自己的话还是很难说服自己.
我真的很难相信自己想像的话,
因为已经有一点点开始不相信自己.

原来还是需要很多的解释,很多的理由.
不然这个空洞,也许我永远都弥补不了.
真的有试着坚强,可是还是那么的软弱.

sometimes goodbye's the only way.

原来只是个错误, 原来只有后悔.
既然没有什么好怀念的,也没有什么好挂念的,
也从来没有笑容,而只有一万个的不应该和错，
我也没什么可以说了.
你能够给予的痛,真的已经到了极点.
我所想像的,也真的都成为了事实.

既然你无法给我留下来的理由，
是时候走了.

不想,不想走下去了.

原来, 要哭可是不能哭的时候真的很辛苦, 很辛苦. 真的没有感受过这种需要立刻逃离的压迫感. 走了出去, 又不知道能去哪里. 世界那么大, 却有时感觉那么小, 因为即使想拼命地走, 也走不出去这个捆住自己的圈子.

原来都是自己的幻想, 原来你从来一点都不需要我. 原来那个人, 根本不是我. 我只是个过路客, 一个微不足道的隐形人.

Didn’t realize I could still fall, how far it’ll go maybe I’ll never know, but it made me fall so fast, so bad, I wished that it was already the bottom of it all. Do I need to thank you? 因为我终于知道, 原来我真的可以这样彻彻底底地被打垮. 什么都不剩了.

离开吧.也许你就在等我说这句话. 去找一个能让你笑的人. 我已经做不到这些了. 不对, 其实我从来都做不到这一点, 我从来都没有让你笑过. 那个人, 根本不是我. 可是已经不重要了, 我已经不知道快乐是什么了. 对不起, 我无法说服自己就笑着走下去. 我做不到.

到底能不能就这样结束. 已经够了, 真的够了. 这个痛, 我受够了. 这些泪, 我不要了. 如果可以跑掉, 如果能够说服我自己, 这次, 我会毫不犹豫地走掉. 而且, 一走就是永远不会来了. 我不要再回来了. 说了, 又有什么关系. 到头来, 我知道你是可以根本不在乎的.

原来这世界最伤痛的话, 是对不起.

好辛苦.

Can I say I hate this feeling that is surging through me everyday. Can I say no, I’m not better, in fact I’m just worse with each passing day. Too little sleep and too much coffee are making me a wreck. I feel dizzy, light-headed and my hands tremble along with my movements. I feel like seriously chui in school, but I have to tear my eyes open everyday and see the things I don’t want to see, hear the things I don’t want to hear and do the things I don’t want to do.

And when that cracking moment threatens to break me apart again, I could only keep my eyes open and fixed at nothing until I just don’t see anything anymore. Because it’s all blurred, just blurred beyond recognition. And all I could do is to squat down beside the road and shut my ears, just shut everything out. I feel, like tearing my head apart.

What can I hold on to? 为什么什么都抓不到,什么都抓不到.

It’d been long, since I had to take the bus out of school at such a late time alone. Strangely, it was such an unfamiliar feeling and I didn’t like it at all. I used to like, this kind of solitude. But when people get busy with their own lives, you just have to get by, on your own.

黄金路 makes me damn depressed I don’t know why. I mean, I do know why but it really really eats at every single cell I have left in me. But it’s all over.

I’m really, really tired. I don’t even want to start thinking how I am going to wake up for my morning class tomorrow. I don’t even want to think how I will last till late tomorrow. But I have to. And I don’t like the feeling of how my eyes still hurt almost every single day. Why does it, just never stops.

如果我拼命地请求自己, 明天可以不醒来了吗, 你, 可以成全我吗?

do you have to make me break.

And you see, it didn't have to be this complicated. It didn't have to be this hard. The things that I needed, used to be simple, they really could be. But you made time, make a mess of me. And now I'm in chaos, absolute chaos. Maybe there's just no way, of bringing me back. If you believe in that, it could relieve you of everything and anything you don't want to feel. You could just leave me here. If that's all, all you could do. You could choose, to make or break me. And I see, that all I could do now, is to fall apart, no matter how much I don't want to.


And I want to believe you,
when you tell me that it'll be okay,
yes I try to believe you,


but I don't.

现在的我, 真的害怕很多东西.
害怕每一秒的清醒,
害怕每一刻的宁静,
更害怕每一分与自己独处的时间.
你让我看到自己的懦弱, 堕落,
让我每天只能越来越讨厌自己.
其实真的很累了.
真的不想走下去了.
真的真的很辛苦,
真的真的快撑不下去了.
你知道吗?

当你每天都有想求救的念头, 有一天, 真的只会想放弃的.

What if you're scared, really scared of falling apart, for real this time.

why do i still feel, so much pain.

I feel an overwhelming sense of low affect these days, I feel as if, I don't feel anything. I feel jaded, sick of everything around me. I just want to sit and not do anything. My body, my mind, my everything, makes me feel very tired. I'm tired; tired to smile, tired to laugh, tired to cry, tired to think, tired to forget, tired to wait, tired to breathe.

I wished that whenever I cry, maybe I would choke on my tears, when I'm short of breath, maybe I would just forget to breathe. Maybe when I sleep, my heart would go slower and slower until it would just stop beating. Or maybe it would hurt so bad that it would just explode. Maybe my defense mechanism would come and save me, maybe it would repress everything deep deep down inside until nobody could never reach it and I'll never remember it again.

At least, this time I'll really be able to go away for awhile. And I know, it's really just a while, and it would be so fast I would be cringing at the thought of coming back again. If only I don't have to come back.

One day you're here, and the next you're gone.
One day I'm here, could I be gone the next too?
But make it forever this time.
Take me to some place where I don't ever have to come back anymore.

why'd you walk away.

Woke up in the morning today feeling like it's the lousiest day ever. Then again, when do I not feel like shit these days. Almost skipped the morning's early lecture, but managed to drag myself there in the end. And the first few songs that accompanied me on my way to school killed my mood further. Don't know why my ipod wasn't on shuffle mode, and it sucked, because Avril Lavigne's songs struck a chord in me and seemed to sing right to me. So by the time I reached school, I really felt like rubbish.

Huge huge damage today, I don't even dare to look at my accounts anymore. Seriously, I am really fucking broke. Luckily I don't spend much on food these days. They don't even really need to exist in my life anymore. My stomach is still in chaos, it feels as if the muscles inside are pulled because of the churning that day. And my head is still, basically, not within my control anymore. I'm just addicted to popping pills, to relieve the anxiety of the possibility of recurrent attacks.

Loved the feeling of sitting behind the lorry and literally feeling the wind slapping across your face. It's so cold, so biting, it made me numb to everything else for awhile. And now it's over, what can I fill the void of my life with? Maybe nothing, because I don't know how to put my heart into doing anything anymore. It's just, tiring.

My body's giving up, or perhaps, it's actually myself, giving up on it.

why don't i seem, to do anything right.

I really feel so bad that I was such a piece of wreck yesterday. Sorry for spoiling the fun and everything, I really didn't mean to! I was barely on the dance floor for two minutes before I felt I was a goner and just couldn't dance properly anymore. Thank you for taking care of me and I am so so sorry. :( My body's warped. Why did I feel so lousy on the outside while I was clearly sober and not drunk. But it sucked, it really sucked.

虽然真的真的很辛苦,
也真的真的很痛,
但也许这种痛能让我暂时忘了我所不想感受的痛.
也许, 这也是一种自我惩罚的方法.

can you make the pain, go away?

And the pain tortured me throughout the whole damn night, until I just had to scream for my mum in the early hours of the morning. It was almost too hard for me to bear, all I wanted was to hit my head against the wall. And I told my mum to kill me because the pain was really damn horrible. Every movement I made, my head would throb terribly. Even if I lied still on the bed, the pain still wouldn't go away. At some point in time, all I could do was to breathe through my mouth because normal breathing seemed to intensify the pain too. Fuck, the pills doesn't work. Maybe my body is already immuned to these drugs.

And when the pain is taking over my body and I couldn't think of anything to make it better, all I felt was the acute sense of abandonment. I felt so much like crying but the pain made it difficult to because any slight vigorous action would kill my head.

And I thought it was already okay, so I dragged myself to school. Now, it's like all over again. The pain, is really, fucking bad it's unbearable. Things, which could kill you but just don't end up killing you, are the worst.

Could it not be another night of torture?

My headache is killing me so much I swear it has not been this bad before. My head hurts with every step I take, every word I say and even every breath I take. My mum saw me stumbling to the kitchen to pop a pill and was horrified by my reluctance to see the doctor. And she said what if you fell asleep because of the pain and never woke up after that? I almost wanted to tell her, I wish that would really happen.

But for now, it's so so painful I really wish I could die.


, 12:45am

Why does it still hurt so bad after having popped the pills twice and taken a nap. Something inside, is burning up. Arghh, every movement of my head kills me.

is it too much to ask for.

以后做不到的事, 可以不说吗.
根本不会发生的事, 可以不说吗.
那些会让我伤和痛的话, 可以不说吗.
都会成为谎言的话, 可以不说吗.
说过的话, 都忘了吗?
原来, 真的, 忘了.

And I'll stare and stare into the distance, yet I still see nothing. When you gaze far out at the sky, at the sea, you'll want so so much to make a wish. But you know wishes never do come true. So don't, because it'll just make you fall.


The sparkles, no matter how bright, how dazzling, will all burn out one day. So fast, so fleeting, I'd never gotten the chance to look at it properly, and as intently as I wanted to. Couldn't you stay shining, for a little while more. Just, a little while.

guess i'm wishing my life away.

Hvn't had so much time alone at home with myself for quite some time. And it's scary, when I'm all alone and I have so much time to kill and I don't want to do anything at all and when I'm just with myself. Sometimes I wish it could be easier, I wish I could just be out wherever, whenever I like. But if it's so, I think I'll never be home. Too many worries, too many things to think about. It's just pulling me back to my own place and trying to keep me sane by locking me in my real life. But I want to get away, I want to do something different, I want to be somebody else, I want to forget myself. And I can only say. But one day, if the chance comes by, I'll grab it. The more people think I couldn't or wouldn't let myself be, the more I want to try to prove them wrong. I know, that there's this streak of defiance in me that if unguarded, would surface. And by then, I would try, try to give up on this world.


These feet, won't you, take me to somewhere new?

"Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep"

Happy birthday Soon Soonn Kwang Kwangg Kwanggg! I wish your next seahorse a longer life okay. You are forever so funny lah. And of course Ah Gonggg and Kok Liang and my Xiaoshouzhi. Thank you for being so funny, you guys really could crack everybody up. And I realized, I missed my own laughter too even. But as fast as it came, it was gone. But still, thank you so much.

I love love love my girls too. Yes, I feel sad I couldn't get to where I really wanted to go today but still, I loved walking around with you all, I love La Senza too and I also don't know when I'll finish wearing all those lingerie. Isaa baby, you really bring out the demon in me and I bring out the demon in you? When we can't choose, just get everything. Hahaa. We need Von to control us. I also love sitting down and just talk. There's just some things which only feel right when it's with girls, because we share that same sense of comprehension for things.


Thank you, and I love you all. I need my dose of Von's humor everyday. Hahaa.


And thank you, for Power Satay! It was yummy and I love the ketupat alot, and the onions. Hahaa. Thank you for supper and talking with me and sending me home.

I do try to make myself as busy as I could, to get home as late as I could. Then perhaps, I'll feel so so tired like now, and I'll have no time, no energy to think so much. But I secretly hope and wish, that those dreams don't haunt me every night. They came again, yesterday night. And I struggled and struggled in them until I got so exhausted, I just couldn't seem to get up.

Sometimes I really don't know if I'm crying when I'm laughing. These tears from laughing could possibly help me veil the real tears I'm actually falling. But no matter what, it's still the same; it's still, neverending.

you would forget, won't you.

Thank you for keeping me occupied. This is all I could do to keep myself busy, and of course, to help as much as I can. If I try hard enough to not let that string of thought invade my mind, I will not feel like puking looking at my food, I will not sigh, I will not feel like looking away, I will not feel like tearing. But as much as I could be kept busy for so so long, there are still many many moments when I'm just with myself too.

I sleep alot alot these days. I just cannot seem to wake up, or rather, I wouldn't really want to. And I thought when I sleep more, I'll think less. But I keep having these recurring dreams, these nightmares. It's haunting me, even when I'm not conscious to the world. Why, is it so hard? But I'm thankful, for the people who's willing to get wasted with me. Sorry, but a decadent lifestyle is easier to live by. I don't, have to answer to anyone anyway.


Take me out there, wherever that is. That's where, the lights are. Maybe someday, somehow, I'll get there. But for now, why could I only turn around and walk away from it. Further and further away from it. And I see, you have your back turned towards me as well.

You see, the many many things I miss, doesn't matter anymore. Because I can't say, because I must smile. Because I can only hope, that the bigger, the louder the laugh is on the outside, nobody will realize how much the heart is bleeding inside. It hurts too much for me to think that I would rather have had nothing at all, that if only I'm not me, and you're not you. Then maybe, I would have stayed contented, then maybe, nothing would have changed. Is letting me walk away the only thing you can do?