unrecognizable.

Meredith: Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled…old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.


Fucking tired pls. Working makes me crawl into bed at the earliest time ever, but I guess I have crossed the threshold that's why I could actually stay awake now. I hate waking up so early, I'm forever tired, forever sleepy, absolutely stressed out, but I do love the people I'm working with.

The feeling of time spent with friends after work is amazing, like really amazing. Time spent walking around or just chilling out just seems so so precious now it makes everything really really amazing. I love you darlings, I love today!

And I hate that, and that, and that. No, not hate actually. I don't have hate in me. Although you said I'm angry and denying it, it's not the same. It's not anger, I don't know what it is, but it's just not the same. I refuse to say it is. I'm stubborn, yes. And my neuroticism is seriously high I realized, after scoring my personality test today. But yes, I don't like that, and that, and that. I only can say I have the right to, since I can't seem to control it.

I want to scream and shout and never ever stop until everything comes to an end.

don't make me change my mind.

And I am so fucking exhausted I don't even have the energy for tears.
So drained, so mentally anguished, the words don't seem like mine anymore.
Words said, I've never learned to be able to take them back, even if I realized that's not what I meant just a mere second later. I know, my mouth is too hard and I am too stubborn, but I need these, to help protect what's really beneath.

Yes, I do need you.

all we can do, is keep breathing.

Meredith: "People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."


We're fine people. We do fine. We're fine. We'll be fine, we'll all be fine.
When, did I end up having no other better words to tell myself anymore. This sort of constant self reminder, self control, self numbing, it's difficult eh.

And you don't know, how many times I have to struggle to keep myself in place and all I could do was to clench my fists and let the fingernails dig into the palms.

don't stand so close to me.

Meredith: "At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

Meredith: "What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."


Not okay, really not okay. Must I say I'm okay, like how everyone wants to hear, to try and make myself believe in it somewhat, just to go on. Will it miraculously make everything okay again? If it will, I would say it a thousand times over. I want to heal. I have to heal. Why can't, why can't you understand it's hard. Why can't you understand it's not working. I'm trying hard every single day, every single day. But every breath I take still hurts. Who wouldn't want the best for himself? Who wants to stay and feel damaged. My plea, it's real.

The thing people are best at doing? Walking away. Everybody walks away, at some point in time, thinking that it's the best for everyone, never once realizing that walking away is always, always actually only done and good for the one doing it.

letting someone in, means abandoning the walls you've spent your whole lifetime building.

Izzie: "I feel like... I'm moving in slow motion. Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just wanna go back... to when things were normal... when I wasn’t poor Izzie laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her... her dead fiancé. But I am, so I can’t. And I’m.. just stuck. And there’s all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me waiting for me to do something or say some thing or flip out or yell or cry some more and I’m happy to play my part. I’m happy to say the lines and do what ever it is that I’m supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable... but I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be this person. I don’t know who this person is."

I've done something I shouldn't have, but it wasn't on purpose for any particular reason. It just suddenly hit me that maybe it was a wrong move, though small, all I've done is to only lay out a long long route of slow torture for myself. That nauseating feeling in the stomach is all too familiar, and it's something I've grown pretty much accustomed to. It makes my insides churn, it makes me want to retch, it scares the hell out of me.

And I've told you, and I want to tell you straight in the face. I don't like this, I don't like it at all. Still tired, very very much tired. Waking up in the mornings are just, nothing but torturous anymore. Don't make me test myself on how long I could hold out. It's either my heart could stop beating or my head could just explode, whichever is fine with me.

i need to stay in bed and feel like i might die today.

If, you care enough about something, you would attempt to repair it if it was in anyway broken, right? So, if you don't, it just means, you don't care?

This is not supposed to be right, but I've been crying alot these days. I cry when I watch Grey's Anatomy. I cry when I listen to songs. I cry when I'm trapped alone in my house when there was a power failure for very long and it was really dark. I'm so tired I just sit and lie on my bed all day long. I'm so tired I don't have the mood to go anywhere at all. I hope it's really just the pms. I've never been able to so accurately predict my menstrual cycle before, but now the pms comes so punctually it really scares me. I fucking hate pms, and apparently caffeine exacerbates it. That's wonderful, because I'm still getting my caffeine dose everyday. Can't help it. Love it, even if it ruins me.

Meredith: "Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

i tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong.

I sincerely hate heavy downpours that come with thunder and lightning with a vengeance. The one that roused me from my sleep yesterday was so horrendous it not only made the electricity trip, it made my door creaked and opened on its own and my heart was beating so hard I swear it could explode. Fuck, how do you be strong when you're even scared of thunder. And suddenly all the fear came and I could only hide under the blankets and hope everything would go away and all I wanted was to just fall back into my sleep again. I guess I was so scared I ended up having really really unhappy dreams, made 100000times worst by the splitting migraine that came with it. I'm really amazed at the kind of dreams my mind is capable of conjuring these days. It's so real, yet at the same time, you know it's so totally unreal. Ended up not being able to wake up until it was really late, to an empty house again. It's a conflicting relationship, between alone at home and being at home with people around. But these days, I still like how it is like to be really left alone.

You don't know how you torture me so. But I can't say, because it's not the right thoughts to have. The things I hope I could do, if I could care less enough, are not the things I know I should do. And somehow I'm glad, because being cryptic would mean that nobody will ever ever know of these thoughts that disgust me so. Except you of course, because I have told you.

If it has to be a pained smile, maybe I'd rather prefer not smiling at all.

and i'll walk away, just like you want me to.

Suddenly Xiaoshouzhi's words are running through my head endlessly, and I'm feeling a sense of jaded-ness overwhelming me. So I've decided I'm giving Zouk a miss today. I'm amazed. I'm a changed person once again.

Ironman is a comedy pls. It's fucking hilarious, but I don't think it's fantastic. Sex and the City is another mindblowing serial I wished I had started on it earlier. It's really amazing and the things they say are just so apt. They say all the things you've ever wanted to say but just can't find the words for. It's the show every woman should watch. Now I can't wait for the movie to be out.

There's just, nothing much to say anymore.