i tried to paint you a picture, the colors were all wrong.

I sincerely hate heavy downpours that come with thunder and lightning with a vengeance. The one that roused me from my sleep yesterday was so horrendous it not only made the electricity trip, it made my door creaked and opened on its own and my heart was beating so hard I swear it could explode. Fuck, how do you be strong when you're even scared of thunder. And suddenly all the fear came and I could only hide under the blankets and hope everything would go away and all I wanted was to just fall back into my sleep again. I guess I was so scared I ended up having really really unhappy dreams, made 100000times worst by the splitting migraine that came with it. I'm really amazed at the kind of dreams my mind is capable of conjuring these days. It's so real, yet at the same time, you know it's so totally unreal. Ended up not being able to wake up until it was really late, to an empty house again. It's a conflicting relationship, between alone at home and being at home with people around. But these days, I still like how it is like to be really left alone.

You don't know how you torture me so. But I can't say, because it's not the right thoughts to have. The things I hope I could do, if I could care less enough, are not the things I know I should do. And somehow I'm glad, because being cryptic would mean that nobody will ever ever know of these thoughts that disgust me so. Except you of course, because I have told you.

If it has to be a pained smile, maybe I'd rather prefer not smiling at all.