people are better than no people

Alex: "Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

I love love Alex. But when did Grey's become so so heartbreaking, all over again.

And I realized I fear my own words. Reading them again actually makes me scared, it gives me the chills. It's like I'll want to turn and look away, hoping that these didn't come from me after all. I don't want them to come alive right in front of my eyes again, or in my head.


You can make your way back from anything . ?

so long -

I'm looking at my rainlendar and suddenly feeling stressed beyond measure. So many marked dates in the next two weeks in different colors, different symbols, all meaning something is due. And how could I only start reading the graduation project guidelines now when it's due in like two weeks?!! Nabei.

And I don't even feel a surge of energy when I get an inspiration for my paper. I don't even know whether I even had or will have any spurts of inspirations. I'll only feel marginally happy when I start typing furiously and see the words fill the screen. But when I get stuck or write about one point for far too long, it totally makes me dizzy and feel like puking. Or I'll just feel stoned for the rest of the day, or the next few days.

But I DID FEEL the surge of energy shooting through my whole body when the thought of Bakerzin' half-priced cheesecake filled my mind. Wtf.

you'll not get to believe, so never let yourself be deceived

There was one day when I took a longer route to walk home, and as I listened to my ipod and sipped my soyabean drink, it felt strangely comforting. And whenever I see buses in the evening, I'll always have the urge to just hop onto one and let it take me wherever it'll go. I miss these long bus rides where I could look out of the window and watch the world passing me by, where there's just me and my music plugged into my ears. But on that particular day, I seriously needed to go to the washroom and couldn't possibly last the whole journey, so I washed off the idea.

And I'm glad Papa Benitez would still be staying on. He evokes this sense of adulation in me I actually can't fathom why, because he never ever smiles. I can never understand why his composure is always unshaken, to the extent that he seems almost emotionless or oblivious to joy. Please smile, Papa Benitez!

I so wished I was at Anfield.


And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bone
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know

it takes so much, to lie through it all

Sometimes I wonder why, it only takes a soccer match like that to make me feel a surge of happiness so great I almost feel as if my heart was bursting out of my chest. It's like that moment of bliss was so pure, so effortless and that it had always been there all along. But how come something so simple, could be so obscure at the same time.

I'm full of anticipation and excitement, at what awaits after this phase of my life really really reaches its end. And yet, there's endless doubts, fears, which I think are justifiable, but they still trap me unwittingly. I'm tied down by the practicality of things, yet I want to try and escape its reins, to find something that will hopefully keep me inspired constantly. I need that to keep me going. I can't settle with something that will just barely suffice. I think I will choke and suffocate and die a slow and painful death if that is so. I can't possibly live the rest of my life with that. And sometimes that determination makes me proud of myself, but other times the fear eats at me, making me scared and worried that it'll all be wrong, that the reality will refute all that I've believed in.