it takes so much, to lie through it all

Sometimes I wonder why, it only takes a soccer match like that to make me feel a surge of happiness so great I almost feel as if my heart was bursting out of my chest. It's like that moment of bliss was so pure, so effortless and that it had always been there all along. But how come something so simple, could be so obscure at the same time.

I'm full of anticipation and excitement, at what awaits after this phase of my life really really reaches its end. And yet, there's endless doubts, fears, which I think are justifiable, but they still trap me unwittingly. I'm tied down by the practicality of things, yet I want to try and escape its reins, to find something that will hopefully keep me inspired constantly. I need that to keep me going. I can't settle with something that will just barely suffice. I think I will choke and suffocate and die a slow and painful death if that is so. I can't possibly live the rest of my life with that. And sometimes that determination makes me proud of myself, but other times the fear eats at me, making me scared and worried that it'll all be wrong, that the reality will refute all that I've believed in.