Blew the entire fucking day away. I just stared and stared at the walls and time just seemed to come to a still. What the hell am I doing and what the fuck is wrong with me. I do know. And when the body is half-willing and the mind is weak, the time just slips away unconsciously while you continue losing yourself, in yourself.

When did saying fuck lose all its cathartic quality. Nothing fucking helps.

Amazingly, the thing that's driving me crazy now is the thing that's keeping me sane, for the time being. But sometimes, it could start creeping in silently as it gets longer into the night. And I pray, and try my very best, to keep the pieces together, even though it takes just so, so much. Because this is not the time to break, and I know I would, if I just miss a step, if I just let that string of thought invade my head. But I know, I've already lost, because I step into the examination hall in a blank, and come out in a daze. I don't even feel anything. I'm scared. But please, just a few days more. Keep it together for a while, even though what follows may kill me more.

Do you really have to make me break? If I do, I could possibly never be the same again.

不想留, 走不了.

And what if there's no where else to go, just, really, no where else to go.

I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe.

有一点点累的感觉,

能不能什么都不想,

能不能什么人都不见,

能不能什么话都不说.

可是为什么,

我们往往要的都不会成为事实.

最后只留下一点点的心酸, 后悔, 无奈.

而只剩一个人的在乎, 又孤独, 又愚蠢.

could you plaster my wounds.

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm sad about exactly. The things that happened, the things that never happened, the past, myself? Sometimes it's so clear, but other times it's just a blur. Things could overlap, and become grey, but if you choose to, only black and white are really left. It's really all up to what you want to see and consider. The rest, are all lies.

Sometimes I think I'm more afraid of the emptiness than anything. The happiness, sadness, bitterness will all go away, but something else is definitely more permeating, and seems more likely to stay. It's funny how I secretly know I've always been screwed up all these while, years actually. I didn't like to think that somehow, in that place and time, I've already stopped and stayed, and for so so long. What damaged me, was clear, but I never wanted to face up to it. Come to think of it, it's really nothing great. But somehow, what's done is done, it's difficult to mend something that's already broken. Even if you do, the cracks will always stay, and the marks would only be a reminder. Wouldn't that be worse? So actually everything about wanting to be and being strong is all but a cover up for something I never wanted others to see. But now, I feel as if everybody's staring right through me. And there's nowhere to hide.

I still am very much screwed up, can't you see? I didn't want to admit, didn't want to see, didn't want it to appear so stark, so clear. But now everything is right in front of me. I could choose to run away, but ultimately, it'll come back to find me again. And I'm tired, tired to hide, to run, to be someone else I'm not. So I'll just remain here, and absorb the pain, till I could find someone who could cushion this pain.

The search has just been too long. Why do other people have it easy, while you languish here, day after day. But what's the use of complaints, when all it does is to make you feel so much more worse.

I know, it may not be understandable. But to me, nothing could ever be clearer and more honest than this. It is when the raw pain comes, that the true emotions arrive.

Could I then, still be fixed?

And please don't leave me, because of this.

Whatever happened to my protective mechanism. Whatever happened to my shield. It should have never been down, I didn't even mean it to be so. I'm sorry, please come back to me. I promise, that this time, I'll never let you down again. I'll keep you up, and it'll always stay that way.

My eyes are screaming in protest again. But why do I never seem to heed, until they get me all broken and destroyed. You cycle between wrath, irritation and sadness, with one seeking to cover up the other, over and over again. When will you realize, that you're really really tired. Could I just stop in my tracks, and not take a step further ever anymore?

Things you've never had, you'll never miss.