because it's only goodbye

Sometimes when I hear the shutter sound, I would still feel an uncontrollable jolt of fear through my body. It's like something that had affected me on a subconscious level, because outwardly, I don't think I ever felt disturbed or anything. It's so weird.

And maybe all I ever wanted was some explicit backing from my girlfriends to - I don't know exactly. Feel better, perceive real support instead of trying it have it imagined? I don't know. But not those, not exactly the aftermath I had in mind. Make me want to tear out my eyes every single time. But I know it doesn't really make a difference anymore, because it's over and just too late.

Omg omg Liverpool is really coming!!! I'm going to cross my fingers and hope that nothing goes wrong nothing changes and that I wouldn't be stuck somewhere although the possibility is quite high. I will just cry and die if I can't make it to see my darling Kuytiee pieeee.

Wennn, I'm more excited about this than Yanzi's. Hahahaa.

for what it's worth

Yesterday was a horrifying day. When I wanted to walk into the kitchen, I saw a cockroach wriggling on its back on the floor, so I ran to the bathroom, took the dustbin and slammed it on the cockroach, feeling triumphant and safe. Nabei, you couldn't possibly believe what I saw next. The bloody kitchen floor was infested with cockroaches here and there with their legs pointing to the air. I think I really almost fainted at the sight. Apparently they were cleaning the rubbish chutes and I don't know how but these pests managed to crawl into my kitchen. And since there wasn't any water and they were really randomly scattered everywhere, I bet they were alive and crawling and trying to escape before finally dying. If they didn't die in time and crawled into the rest of the house or my room I think I would have just jumped out of my window to escape them. Fuck.

It was so fucking disgusting and disturbing I think if it happened again I will just have a cardiac arrest.

It did feel fucking bad, you know.


But I'll forget about it, when I wake up in the morning.
Because there's no use torturing yourself with things, that you know, bother only you and nobody else.


Don't lose, not now.

"April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."
-- T. S. Eliot


I love my igoogle daily literary quotes!

and it couldn't be any clearer

I can't stand the feeling of some thoughts constantly playing over and over in my head, like no matter how hard I try to shut them out, they just keep coming back. And the more I think about it, the more irritated I'll get and wished I could have just expressed it there and then. But sometimes my words just lag behind my thoughts quite a bit, so it doesn't happen that way.

Still I couldn't fathom what made you said what you did. Gloating? Bragging? Or just merely making a joke? I just couldn't comprehend. I seriously didn't see the need for that response and I didn't find it funny definitely. Like seriously? And I so didn't expect it. But all I could muster was to laugh it off, because, what else? Sulk my way through or throw a fit or what? It didn't matter that much I know, but I just didn't like hearing that. That wasn't any point in making that statement at all, you know. And at a subconscious level, it really kinda ruined my mood quite a bit. Perhaps it's just the time, that has caused this distance, this gap of understanding, this lack of common ground.

On another note, things couldn't be clearer than this now. Maybe I didn't think you were this sort of person, maybe I expected otherwise. But I guess I was just wrong. Many things that I did believe in, principles which I held myself by, have all been refuted by reality, nothing less. But maybe I shouldn't lump my expectations on others. But it's fine, it works well in my favor. And I'm glad, I'm not like you, and I'll forever remind myself never to be, however slight.