and i can't do it no more.

Please, do not, do not do that. It aches my fucking heart but you don't know it.
And I still have to force myself to smile at you.
I don't blame you, I don't hate you. I hate myself.
What do I have left? Me and my insanity. Fuck you.

That's why they say, you need to go away for awhile, and forget all the people you once knew.
Then it'll be okay. It'll be all okay.

One day you'll wake up, and you're not going to recognize yourself anymore.

眼神不会说话只有泪光.

I've finished my whole pack of coffee, all thirty sticks of them, in less than half a month. Plus the many random cups of coffee I had in school that I've made myself bloody dependent on. I don't know how, but I've managed to convince myself that I need it to get by the day, no matter what. It gives me the highs.

You've left. And you're leaving too. How am I going to fill in the void during the days when both of you are not going to be around at all! You make me love running to school everyday and staying till late and hate going home, and after all that you're going to leave me alone. And you know what's the only thing that I can do during your absence. :( Please please come back soon okay! I feel as if I cannot live without you all. Hahahaa. Disgusting.

Yes, I love the library so much I wished it was just next to my house. But the unisex washroom makes me feel so disgusted everytime I use it now, thanks to the ideas you all put into my head! I love being in school so much I feel like running back every single day. :(

不管走多远步伐都没有力量.

I’ve told you before, I could leave anything, anyone behind and just leave. It’s not that nothing matters to me, but it’s more of I don’t feel much about detaching myself from everything in the end. All I need, is the chance to be able to. Maybe you have forgotten, maybe you don’t really care like I thought you did after all. We all know, what a moment of impulse is. Yeah, it’s okay. You just made that grounding of mine even stronger.

My dreams, they make me exhausted. And they are starting to change. These days, the yous in them are slowly becoming a stranger. Even in my dreams, you are a stranger. And I saw myself sitting there, qualifying every other emotion present in me other than joy, with a smile. And I saw you looking through me, like how I was meant to be, invisible.

And I’ve been walking through doors, just to find the next locked. It’s like walking through an endless labyrinth, every door opens in the end, but the next appears the same, but still locked. Each of the places in transit looks the same, with the same four walls, with the same claustrophobic feeling gnawing at me. Hey how come I didn’t know I built these limitless walls, in place of one tall and sturdy one.

Fucking tired, of the work, the mind, the thoughts, the things. All I could do is leech comfort from your words that no one else could give. I know it’s going to be soon when I’ll need to deal without them. But for now, please don’t disappear yet.

you drained the colors out of my sky.

I need some time to myself, some time without the scrutiny of others. Although I find it a joke that all these could still be read once I unlock my blog again, but I find no other better way.

You'll never know, how much fear I have in me, how much you make me fear every single thing. I fear to speak, I fear to not speak, I fear to do anything, but in the end, everything still slapped me cold in the face. The fears in me, I could never tell you, I could never let you see. Why do you have to make it so.

Sometimes the pain just overwhelms me and makes me senseless and lose all my capabilities to deal with it. Because it's something I can't see. I could only feel it, and it jabs at me so fast so hard, but makes me numb too. It makes me want to retch when I see food, when I think of just about anything at all. I'll feel as if my heart would collapse with another huge heave. And I could only hope the endless coffee I take in would calm it in some way.

It's not fair to say I don't try. I do, and it stays for a while. But somehow, along the way, something so strong would grip me and pull me down again. I can't see it, can't wrench it away from me. I could only struggle and try to stay up, and breathe. So it's not fair, when you're not me. I could say a thousand words too, if I'm you. We all could, if we're in some positions that's advantageous to us.

Please nag at me forever tricario boy boyyyy. If you'll remind me constantly, then I won't break.

我们对了错了要了给了却都忘了.

It's amazing, how those tears could still find their way through even when I'd tried all my might to shut my eyes tight. How long has it been; the sudden influx of salt content in the eyes made them hurt a thousand times worse.

Because we come up with all the words we could think of to push forth a strong exterior; just to crumble into pieces beneath it in a saccade. Because we do not make ourselves hate, because we do not learn to hate, because we can't hate.

One day, I will smile like how I used to. I will smile because I sincerely feel it. Will it be long? What if it never comes. In the end, we all scramble to find a way, to let ourselves wait, even if it's forever. End it now then, won't you.

错过这世界有什么可惜.

I need to get my sanity back. It still sucks, waking up on some mornings and feeling like absolute fuck. I have had enough of those breaking moments, threatening to overwhelm every single sense I have left in me, making me curl up in a corner and pleading to myself to stop those thoughts from running wild again. It's true, though in a warped way, that the mind can really be so strong, that I have no control over it at all. Mind over heart, yes. Mind over matter, yes. It's mind over my everything. It's the thing that's slowly scraping away at my sanity. I need to throw those things away, the everything that I can't let go. Because it's sapping away my energy. Because I still can't find a balance. Then perhaps there's no use, figuring out anything at all. My mind's already too contorted. I want to find the life I wanted to lead, and perhaps I was already on it, finally after searching and pondering, until I got pushed down without even given time to anticipate it, without even given a helping hand.

But yes, thank you for letting me bitch at you, for telling me nonsensical, senseless things to bring me back when I almost always want to slip back into the locked up world I'd created for myself. But the temporary relief I feel, it feels almost unreal sometimes, like I don't even know if that's myself. I don't want to step in, just to step back out again. And the more afraid I am of it, the more apprehension I have for losing it, the more I know everything could be back to status quo very soon. Just because I have no faith in believing it.

And the things I could say, the things I could joke about, every single word cut at my heart in fact. Because they seem to amplify my stupidity, ignorance, stubborness and just simply everything that could make me look at myself, and wanting to give up. Because I can't even find a thread of hope, of anything good that would make me feel a little better.

And I agree that this semester's really too fast. It's just suddenly ending again, with that all too familiar feeling. I don't know whether time passes faster when you think too much, or when you don't at all. It's just, time really passes too fast.

Who the fuck invented tears, to make us so so tired. It's not even as cathartic as saying fuck.

the pain she screams, i hear.

Nono, no more McGriddles pls. Having breakfast could make me go to the toilet 100000times. I wouldn’t dream of it anymore I guess, because the craving had been satisfied and it’s enough. Hahaa.

I’m almost shy to admit that I’m falling in love with Backstreet Boys all over again. It is so primary-school-boyband era I know, but their album got me so hooked I don’t know why. It’s really pretty good, though it’s those you’ll get sick of pretty soon after having it on the loop like forever. They aren’t old men pls, they make me drool, so I think they should be pretty hot. Hahahaa.

And I can’t explain//Last night I saw the fireworks//The kind of pain that never hurts//The one you hate to love is made for you

Thanks to a certain someone, listening to this song long long into the night, with the earphones plugged into my ears, makes me cry. Please stop singing songs that would kill my heart.

等于结束的爱情
我和你
从两个窗口看出去
往事远远地
演着一场无声的电影
没人注意

躲着回忆的身体
带领我
和你的名字向前进
作废的曾经
留在离开你那天
挥不去

因为太了解
所以很伤心
没有你只好听着风的呼吸
却有种叫做时间的东西
说没问题
最后我们会痊愈

因为太了解
我无法坚定
这一次会要掉眼泪的决定
有些遗憾只能一个人听
很对不起
我还是珍惜
所有的事情

everytime you leave, i'm inconsolable.

This fucking pms is affecting every single nerve in my body and killing my head so bad. Suddenly, there is just so much anger and irritation in me. I’m practically dissing everyone in the house and anyone else who threatens to topple me over my edge. I know anger does me no good and gets me nothing, that is why I’ve gradually learned not to let it get the better of me. It would only make me go crazy and make everyone else run away. But maybe it wasn’t control and regulation, or so I thought. This repression is bloody threatening an upsurge.

I hate to feel the anger in me. It makes me blind to everything sane, if it still exists that is. I know the wrath only represents a losing battle, and I don’t like to lose, ever. It fucking kills me, I have to be honest. I don’t like to give anybody the reason to do anything I don’t wish for them to do. I don’t want to be the one giving the justification. I just don’t like it.

Or maybe this is what I am actually feeling all along. Perhaps I’m just finding an excuse for them to be expressed, to have a more accepted outlet. But everything is just suddenly so amplified I feel like tearing my soul apart, and killing you.

will you be, unmistakable.

I can’t even start to say how exhausted I really am. My papers are starting next week and I have barely even started on my revision because of the endless projects. How come the time for preparation just gets shorter and shorter? I had never gone for so many nerve wrecking interviews in such a short period of time before, and I wonder why I’m trying so hard at all. The horrendous traveling, the waiting, the never ending spewing of words that I almost didn’t even recognize were mine. Do I even believe what I was saying at all? That’s when I start asking myself, what’s the use, what’s the point.

It made me so tremendously anguished that I had to miss Liverpool – Arsenal Champions League match because of that. And it had to be such an exciting match. I caught the goals afterwards and I couldn’t imagine I was so so touched I actually teared. Hahahaa. Torres baby is my new kryptonite pls, his slide of victory on the ground was just, simply orgasmic. Hahaa.

And I’m so caught up with work I forgot to write this down for my own memory’s sake. One fine day, I saw the very very hot Orlando Bloom’s lookalike professor at my train station on my way to school! I couldn’t believe that he was actually possibly staying in such a close proximity to me. I kept stealing glances, or rather, I just kept looking towards his side until a man next to me got curious and started looking in the direction too. Hahaha. I swear my legs got so wobbly I thought I could have fallen into the tracks.

I’m really afraid every time I feel tired and dizzy at the same time. I don’t know why, but the mood just kind of predisposes me to really really negative thoughts. I feel really lousy, and just, not really where I think I should be. I feel as if I’m in a place likened to the train station in The Matrix, just stuck there because I can’t get on the train to leave the place. And it could be forever, because this transit may never bring me somewhere else, or even out.

Revelations are amazing, though sometimes we could guess, but we always still need that confirmation. How many a times could we actually believe in something or ourselves just based on our own isolated thoughts? Almost never, at least not for me. And it kills my head, because it threatens to cause things that I’m trying hard to keep inside to surge to the surface. I fear, to be in full exposure to the person I am. I fear, to even see myself. Are you even able to see that? It kills me that you possibly do, but it also kills that you possibly don’t. All you left me, are just contradictions and doubts about my very own being.

Don’t ignite the spark in me to cause the explosion. I cannot pre-empt it, nor can I predict what will come out of it. And yes, I know, because I’m scared of myself too. But I guess it’s better for you, because I can’t even choose. I can’t run away. I have to stay here, with myself, even if it’s on my own.

there'll come a day, when you'll walk out of my dreams.

I forgot to thank wenwen darling for mrbean soyamilk with pearls on an otherwise terribly early friday morning lecture. It was so potent it churned my stomach and cleared my system in an hour. Hahhaa. But it's still love. :)

And thank you for the cake. Hello people pls come and take the cake from me or something, I cannot possibly finish it by myself. I still need to jump on the weighing scale everyday and I don't need a heart attack. But here's the cake for you guys to see at least, if you wouldn't get the chance to taste it.



Marmalade Pantry and Dempsey's Hacienda loving on the birthday itself, celebrated together with monkey darling's birthday too. All my life I've never really had any birthday celebrations by myself and I'm really glad because it's nice to have someone share it with you. I'll just feel like an idiot if I had to blow the candles out myself. Days without 4012 in our lives are sometimes compensated by this vehicle instead! Thank you we love you too? Hahaa.


Sorry sorry for condemning you big big monkey. It's all wenwen's surprise's fault, I don't care! Hahaa. I'm so happy to see you, so happy to take a photo with you. Oh my god I sound so obsessed. And I love you girls too, so damn much. You guys are my kryptonite pls. Hahahaa. :)

how will i know your voice, when you hvn't said a word.

Isaa baby maybe you're right. I should sleep earlier, the transit of night into morning is killing me alot I don't know why. Maybe it's just today, maybe it's only now. I cannot let these thoughts swirl around in my head, I cannot fall into the fucking pit. But does it matter, I was never really out anyway. I'm just in a fucking state of frenzy, so totally messed up.

I am a little disappointed. Should I be, am I qualified to be. I hate it when I feel lousy, I hate it when I cannot seem to understand.

And you, we love you so so much. Whenever I hear or see you choking on your words or crying, my heart breaks pls. Breaks into a million pieces. Hahahaa. And I'm amazed how easily I can cry at that too. I could cry forever. Hahaa. Don't say it's okay when it's not okay. We are here, always here, even though you always make my eyes roll and drop out 100000times.

how come we are already 22. :(

What a damn tiring day with four hours of sleep and shuttling between classes and interview and rushing home to prepare to go out. I slept throughout all my train journeys, even when I was standing up. Thank you for dinner, love you all!




Somebody secretly wants to slap me for blogging emo and want-to-die entries always. Don't slap me pls, you can try to win me over with your cliches. Hahaa. I'll take my words back, I'm actually really scared of them.

It's good, no birthday cake, no candles to blow out, no wishes to make. Somebody must have had invented it as a mean of self-delusion. It keeps you believing, for at least a year. I don't want to make useless, senseless, futile wishes anymore. They can't keep my faith for long.

You're always walking away.

and there's no need to recognize me anymore.

I'll keep it as this, cover everything up, conceal as much as I could, so nobody would be able to look through the veil. It's so amazingly thin actually, but I'll try to keep it as opaque as I can. Just a barrier, and it's a world of difference. And I know they can't be seen clearly now; and you end up seeing what you think you are seeing. No, I will try not to lay the tiles in the open for everyone to see now. Not anymore.

My bread flew out of the toaster today. :(

Fuck 730am wake up days.

原来伤心也会上瘾.

Feels as if I'm standing in the middle of nowhere, in a world so fleeting it could possibly disappear in the blink of an eye. I can't place a name to the emotions I'm feeling these days. It's like they don't really exist. I'm like losing the name/emotion/feeling/symbol/ideal and everything I based my very self on. It's as if they detached themselves from me, or rather, I tore them away from myself one by one, no matter how hurting it was. It's so unreal I don't even know how to describe it.

I wake up sometimes, wondering who I am, and it scares the fuck out of me. Because I don't feel myself, I don't feel it anymore.