I can’t even start to say how exhausted I really am. My papers are starting next week and I have barely even started on my revision because of the endless projects. How come the time for preparation just gets shorter and shorter? I had never gone for so many nerve wrecking interviews in such a short period of time before, and I wonder why I’m trying so hard at all. The horrendous traveling, the waiting, the never ending spewing of words that I almost didn’t even recognize were mine. Do I even believe what I was saying at all? That’s when I start asking myself, what’s the use, what’s the point.
It made me so tremendously anguished that I had to miss Liverpool – Arsenal Champions League match because of that. And it had to be such an exciting match. I caught the goals afterwards and I couldn’t imagine I was so so touched I actually teared. Hahahaa. Torres baby is my new kryptonite pls, his slide of victory on the ground was just, simply orgasmic. Hahaa.
And I’m so caught up with work I forgot to write this down for my own memory’s sake. One fine day, I saw the very very hot Orlando Bloom’s lookalike professor at my train station on my way to school! I couldn’t believe that he was actually possibly staying in such a close proximity to me. I kept stealing glances, or rather, I just kept looking towards his side until a man next to me got curious and started looking in the direction too. Hahaha. I swear my legs got so wobbly I thought I could have fallen into the tracks.
I’m really afraid every time I feel tired and dizzy at the same time. I don’t know why, but the mood just kind of predisposes me to really really negative thoughts. I feel really lousy, and just, not really where I think I should be. I feel as if I’m in a place likened to the train station in The Matrix, just stuck there because I can’t get on the train to leave the place. And it could be forever, because this transit may never bring me somewhere else, or even out.
Revelations are amazing, though sometimes we could guess, but we always still need that confirmation. How many a times could we actually believe in something or ourselves just based on our own isolated thoughts? Almost never, at least not for me. And it kills my head, because it threatens to cause things that I’m trying hard to keep inside to surge to the surface. I fear, to be in full exposure to the person I am. I fear, to even see myself. Are you even able to see that? It kills me that you possibly do, but it also kills that you possibly don’t. All you left me, are just contradictions and doubts about my very own being.
Don’t ignite the spark in me to cause the explosion. I cannot pre-empt it, nor can I predict what will come out of it. And yes, I know, because I’m scared of myself too. But I guess it’s better for you, because I can’t even choose. I can’t run away. I have to stay here, with myself, even if it’s on my own.
.jpg)