i seemed to have lost a year, somewhere

I loved tennis! Although the coach was fierce and it was hell picking up balls and my body ached like fuck and my shoulders were burnt. But it was still funnnn! :))

And thank you for the honest words. Seriously, I believe deep down inside me I know it, but I just refused to face up to it. And nobody ever put it across to me so bluntly. Maybe along the way, someone, somehow did, but it just got forgotten. Perhaps some things are just not able to be mended, or perhaps, never meant to be mended, because there's no point. Maybe some things are meant to be left hanging, uncompleted. And yes, words are cheap, I should learn never to trust and hold on to every single word people say. Words are just fabrications, justifications to make people feel better, and easily forgotten. And promises are made to be broken, if not there wouldn't be an abundance of instances of 'broken promises' and not 'fulfilled promises'. So I'll go on from here, and hopefully never turn back again. I'll keep telling myself it's okay, and not it's going to be okay, because the 'going' part is just too long, too ambiguous. I don't have time for that, it will wear me down. Cognitive dissonance maybe, but I'll work it out.

There's much more important things out there. There are some people, who'll not be there all the time, but if you take the time to slow down, turn and look back, they will still always be there at the end of the day. There are some who'll disappear, and that about says it all. I will learn, to stop running, and cherish those who are important to me, and I hope, it's not too late.

it's not going to be a mere fantasy

I have a friend who abandoned me and left with the disgusting crowd at the train station with a cryptic message of "I'm meeting someone". But it was so not cryptic in actual fact because it was so predictable and I scolded her until all the blood rushed to my head and I was dizzy and faint. Fundamentally, it brokeeeeeeeee my heart. I hoped you didn't dance and jump around and sing to that disgusting song while waiting! :((

And it's so tiring having to fill in application forms over and over again, going for endless tests and interviews and trotting around in the only black pants I have that keeps slipping continuously. And to fight the constant fear, and doubt. I just hope I'm going the right way.

And it's really enough. The dreams that haunt me constantly, I wish they could really just go away. I don't know how to make them go, as much as I want to. They seem to tell me, to just say fuck off, walk away and never ever turn back again. That is, if I can do it. I want to, so please let me. Funny, how I feel sometimes, that it's a fight against nobody, but myself. There's nobody else left, none that cares. It's just me, fighting something invisible, that only I can see. And fuck it, I hate myself for that. I want to be that someone that I had been. I don't want to feel inherently destroyed, that it was meant to be this way anyway, that I had been deluded by the times when I felt that hey I could actually be like this, I could actually like the way I am. I don't like the things that taint my life, my ideals, the very core of things I believed in. I don't like to feel that something in my life is still not quite right, that the ropes' ends are not yet tied. I don't like to deal, with incompleteness. Because it shatters me. Because I try too hard, to be strong, and yet, constantly fearing that the sheer exhaustion would be too overwhelming and eat me whole from the insides, one day.

My thoughts are in a tangled mess and I feel fucking delirious, for god knows what reasons.

But I take comfort in my daily dose of caffeine, my daily read of literary quote from igoogle. And I got my baby today, so I should be happy.


Because you'd made me grown up overnight, knowing myself, hating what I see, and understanding that the world is not what it seems to be, at all.

in the midnight hour

"Sometimes I have this dream," the young man in the wheelchair said. His voice had a strange echo to it, as if it were rising up from the bottom of a cavernous hole. "There's a sharp knife stabbed into the soft part of my head, where the memories lie. It's stuck deep down inside. It doesn't hurt or weigh me down - it's just stuck there. And I'm standing off to one side, looking at this like it's happening to someone else. I want someone to pull the knife out, but no one knows it's stuck inside my head. I think about yanking it out myself, but I can't reach my hands inside my head. It's the strangest thing. I can stab myself, but I can't reach the knife to pull it out. And then everything starts to disappear. I start to fade away, too. Only the knife is always there - to the very end. Like the bone of some prehistoric animal on the beach. That's the kind of dream I have," he said.
-- Hunting Knife; Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman


I could come to the end of my life unsaved, still screaming in the dark, afraid.

all there's left to do is run

I’m constantly dreaming of things that I’d secretly feared, of fights that should have but never happened, arguments in which I’d seemed to be never able to scream out loud, no matter how hard I tried. It’s these soundless dreams that make me totally exhausted when I wake up. It’s frustrating, terrifying, when I can’t get my words out, when everything comes out, as silence. It almost feels as if I could choke and suffocate. And I berate myself, for tearing unwillingly in my sleep, for all the things I couldn’t control.

And I seemed to have reached a standstill, where my principles, my ideals have all come together and reached an intersection, conflicted, and leaving me stumped. Because it starts to get terrifying, when the things you go by just start to crumble right in front of you. Like all the words in life, that could just become lies overnight. And then it’s not a matter of being able to separate the real from the fabricated anymore, it’s about if there’s even actually anything left that is remotely, or would remain real, at all. I wish I could just sit and stone all my life.

Andddddddd, frivolous things like this make me happy. I feel a surge of happiness just by looking at it, although I know it’s pretty useless but it emanates a sort of warmth in me when I hug it. Hahaa. Just like how I could just melt and die of happiness when I hear Raymond Lam’s voice when he talks, when he sings, when I see him act, when I see tears in his eyes. It’s just, indescribable. Hahahaa. At least, some things still stay the same.

I want my babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy now!

And I realized, it's the anger, the anger I have, at myself, that's making everything so difficult. That's why, the hardest person to forgive ever, is yourself.