it's not going to be a mere fantasy

I have a friend who abandoned me and left with the disgusting crowd at the train station with a cryptic message of "I'm meeting someone". But it was so not cryptic in actual fact because it was so predictable and I scolded her until all the blood rushed to my head and I was dizzy and faint. Fundamentally, it brokeeeeeeeee my heart. I hoped you didn't dance and jump around and sing to that disgusting song while waiting! :((

And it's so tiring having to fill in application forms over and over again, going for endless tests and interviews and trotting around in the only black pants I have that keeps slipping continuously. And to fight the constant fear, and doubt. I just hope I'm going the right way.

And it's really enough. The dreams that haunt me constantly, I wish they could really just go away. I don't know how to make them go, as much as I want to. They seem to tell me, to just say fuck off, walk away and never ever turn back again. That is, if I can do it. I want to, so please let me. Funny, how I feel sometimes, that it's a fight against nobody, but myself. There's nobody else left, none that cares. It's just me, fighting something invisible, that only I can see. And fuck it, I hate myself for that. I want to be that someone that I had been. I don't want to feel inherently destroyed, that it was meant to be this way anyway, that I had been deluded by the times when I felt that hey I could actually be like this, I could actually like the way I am. I don't like the things that taint my life, my ideals, the very core of things I believed in. I don't like to feel that something in my life is still not quite right, that the ropes' ends are not yet tied. I don't like to deal, with incompleteness. Because it shatters me. Because I try too hard, to be strong, and yet, constantly fearing that the sheer exhaustion would be too overwhelming and eat me whole from the insides, one day.

My thoughts are in a tangled mess and I feel fucking delirious, for god knows what reasons.

But I take comfort in my daily dose of caffeine, my daily read of literary quote from igoogle. And I got my baby today, so I should be happy.


Because you'd made me grown up overnight, knowing myself, hating what I see, and understanding that the world is not what it seems to be, at all.