all there's left to do is run

I’m constantly dreaming of things that I’d secretly feared, of fights that should have but never happened, arguments in which I’d seemed to be never able to scream out loud, no matter how hard I tried. It’s these soundless dreams that make me totally exhausted when I wake up. It’s frustrating, terrifying, when I can’t get my words out, when everything comes out, as silence. It almost feels as if I could choke and suffocate. And I berate myself, for tearing unwillingly in my sleep, for all the things I couldn’t control.

And I seemed to have reached a standstill, where my principles, my ideals have all come together and reached an intersection, conflicted, and leaving me stumped. Because it starts to get terrifying, when the things you go by just start to crumble right in front of you. Like all the words in life, that could just become lies overnight. And then it’s not a matter of being able to separate the real from the fabricated anymore, it’s about if there’s even actually anything left that is remotely, or would remain real, at all. I wish I could just sit and stone all my life.

Andddddddd, frivolous things like this make me happy. I feel a surge of happiness just by looking at it, although I know it’s pretty useless but it emanates a sort of warmth in me when I hug it. Hahaa. Just like how I could just melt and die of happiness when I hear Raymond Lam’s voice when he talks, when he sings, when I see him act, when I see tears in his eyes. It’s just, indescribable. Hahahaa. At least, some things still stay the same.

I want my babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy now!

And I realized, it's the anger, the anger I have, at myself, that's making everything so difficult. That's why, the hardest person to forgive ever, is yourself.