错过这世界有什么可惜.

I need to get my sanity back. It still sucks, waking up on some mornings and feeling like absolute fuck. I have had enough of those breaking moments, threatening to overwhelm every single sense I have left in me, making me curl up in a corner and pleading to myself to stop those thoughts from running wild again. It's true, though in a warped way, that the mind can really be so strong, that I have no control over it at all. Mind over heart, yes. Mind over matter, yes. It's mind over my everything. It's the thing that's slowly scraping away at my sanity. I need to throw those things away, the everything that I can't let go. Because it's sapping away my energy. Because I still can't find a balance. Then perhaps there's no use, figuring out anything at all. My mind's already too contorted. I want to find the life I wanted to lead, and perhaps I was already on it, finally after searching and pondering, until I got pushed down without even given time to anticipate it, without even given a helping hand.

But yes, thank you for letting me bitch at you, for telling me nonsensical, senseless things to bring me back when I almost always want to slip back into the locked up world I'd created for myself. But the temporary relief I feel, it feels almost unreal sometimes, like I don't even know if that's myself. I don't want to step in, just to step back out again. And the more afraid I am of it, the more apprehension I have for losing it, the more I know everything could be back to status quo very soon. Just because I have no faith in believing it.

And the things I could say, the things I could joke about, every single word cut at my heart in fact. Because they seem to amplify my stupidity, ignorance, stubborness and just simply everything that could make me look at myself, and wanting to give up. Because I can't even find a thread of hope, of anything good that would make me feel a little better.

And I agree that this semester's really too fast. It's just suddenly ending again, with that all too familiar feeling. I don't know whether time passes faster when you think too much, or when you don't at all. It's just, time really passes too fast.

Who the fuck invented tears, to make us so so tired. It's not even as cathartic as saying fuck.