could you plaster my wounds.

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm sad about exactly. The things that happened, the things that never happened, the past, myself? Sometimes it's so clear, but other times it's just a blur. Things could overlap, and become grey, but if you choose to, only black and white are really left. It's really all up to what you want to see and consider. The rest, are all lies.

Sometimes I think I'm more afraid of the emptiness than anything. The happiness, sadness, bitterness will all go away, but something else is definitely more permeating, and seems more likely to stay. It's funny how I secretly know I've always been screwed up all these while, years actually. I didn't like to think that somehow, in that place and time, I've already stopped and stayed, and for so so long. What damaged me, was clear, but I never wanted to face up to it. Come to think of it, it's really nothing great. But somehow, what's done is done, it's difficult to mend something that's already broken. Even if you do, the cracks will always stay, and the marks would only be a reminder. Wouldn't that be worse? So actually everything about wanting to be and being strong is all but a cover up for something I never wanted others to see. But now, I feel as if everybody's staring right through me. And there's nowhere to hide.

I still am very much screwed up, can't you see? I didn't want to admit, didn't want to see, didn't want it to appear so stark, so clear. But now everything is right in front of me. I could choose to run away, but ultimately, it'll come back to find me again. And I'm tired, tired to hide, to run, to be someone else I'm not. So I'll just remain here, and absorb the pain, till I could find someone who could cushion this pain.

The search has just been too long. Why do other people have it easy, while you languish here, day after day. But what's the use of complaints, when all it does is to make you feel so much more worse.

I know, it may not be understandable. But to me, nothing could ever be clearer and more honest than this. It is when the raw pain comes, that the true emotions arrive.

Could I then, still be fixed?

And please don't leave me, because of this.