And I’m tired again, on a Thursday, and dreading how I’ll be like a dead person in school on Friday for my fucking early lessons. I’m tired, physically and mentally, and hoping that the physical exhaustion will take away the psychological burden which is still very much killing me, even though I’m trying hard to push it away.
And thank you for meeting me after so so long. Even though I didn’t realize it had been this long until you reminded me, strangely I didn’t feel the gap at all. With some people, I guess it’ll just seem like you’ve just been with them the day before, even though it could have been years in fact. And you’re such a psychic I think I really pale in comparison as a psychology student. But it did make talking a lot easier. And I realized, I could laugh through a lot of things that I tell people, although I’m actually all tangled up inside. I love love you and you forgot to give me my hug!
Sometimes I’ll wish that I’ve never said the things I’ve said, but sometimes I’ll wish that I’ve said the things I never got to say. But my mouth could be very very hard, very very stubborn and before the words could slip out at all, I would have swallowed them back again. But I know that my heart can be very very soft, even though I always think that I can harden it, that I can make it cold, make it numb. But in fact, it’s all to cover up and protect what I really am inside. And it pains me actually, to say that I don’t care, because things that you really don’t care about, you won’t even say it. It’s because I care about just too many many things, that’s why everything becomes emphasized and magnified. And it’s actually really hard, to walk away when you feel that there’s really no other way and to try to convince yourself that nothing matters anymore.
I’ve never sighed so much, never cried so much, never felt so lousy, worthless, helpless, hurt, inadequate in my entire life before. I’ve never felt, so utterly screwed up before. It’s like going on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and it never seems to really come to a stop. What can make it come to a stop?
I’m tired, really really tired. Help.
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