why do i still feel, so much pain.

I feel an overwhelming sense of low affect these days, I feel as if, I don't feel anything. I feel jaded, sick of everything around me. I just want to sit and not do anything. My body, my mind, my everything, makes me feel very tired. I'm tired; tired to smile, tired to laugh, tired to cry, tired to think, tired to forget, tired to wait, tired to breathe.

I wished that whenever I cry, maybe I would choke on my tears, when I'm short of breath, maybe I would just forget to breathe. Maybe when I sleep, my heart would go slower and slower until it would just stop beating. Or maybe it would hurt so bad that it would just explode. Maybe my defense mechanism would come and save me, maybe it would repress everything deep deep down inside until nobody could never reach it and I'll never remember it again.

At least, this time I'll really be able to go away for awhile. And I know, it's really just a while, and it would be so fast I would be cringing at the thought of coming back again. If only I don't have to come back.

One day you're here, and the next you're gone.
One day I'm here, could I be gone the next too?
But make it forever this time.
Take me to some place where I don't ever have to come back anymore.