why do I still see, nothing.

12 Storeys was depressing, and dark in a way, but really good. An amazing way to spend the night, but nothing lasts forever, and soon, it's always back, to here again. How comforting is that.

As I start destroying myself in this endless cycle of self-destructing emotions, I'm beginning to perhaps get in touch with who I really am. Maybe I'm really innately screwed up, finding more comfort in staying in the pain, rather than to walk out of it, only to fall back in again, surely, one day. I still, see no point in it. I seemed to be self-absorbed too, like you. So perhaps, we all are. But I truly believe this mechanism which triggers everything terrible in me is different from others. The diathesis-stress model, maybe I do possess the inherent vulnerability which makes me more susceptible to it when triggered by external events. And I fully understand how prone I am to it, no matter whether it's just a pervasive feeling without any apparent reason or one with a reason I absolutely cannot brush away, no matter how hard I try. Why am I even afraid, to name the it. Because I always thought it was just part of my adolescence angst, something that was perhaps, just made up by myself, and would go away if I wanted it to. But what if it wasn't, what if it wouldn't?

Although the something inside of me may be pervasive, may be destructive, it doesn't mean I would take the blame for everything. It doesn't mean the problem now only lies with me, it doesn't mean it's all up to me. It just, doesn't work that way. I'm different. When I sink, I really, just sink. Time doesn't work with me. If it's all up to me, I'll just drift away and lose myself progressively, because it's just easier to run away, alone. Of course, if that's what you really want, then don't worry, you'll ultimately get it. If it doesn't matter to you, then just, let it be. Everybody's actually just selfish, only caring about getting what they want, following what they feel, making themselves feel better. I know, I could be like that. But, you are too. The only difference, is who stands on which end.

I know my coping style is maladaptive. It doesn't exactly makes me feel better, but if nothing else does anyway, then why not? So many things I've tried, doesn't work. Everything's just fleeting, and when you lose focus for just a second, everything will come crashing down again. I have had too many of these moments, so why should I even continuing trying? I have imagined and thought through many many ways, but I lack just that little bit of courage to make it all work. Don't know if I should be glad or sad about that.