her eyes spat tears the taste of rust

My mind, it works in a fucking warped way I can't help it. And it can't stop. Thought it'll be okay, thought I'll be okay, I truly want to, wish to; but in the next instant, I'll feel all fucking screwed up again. Why, does it never end, just when it seems to end. Why, does it just repeats itself ceaselessly, killing me, over and over again. Why, do I just feel so, hopelessly defeated. Is it even selfish, to want to not feel this hurt. Why, must I try to find back who I was. Why, couldn't I have kept it with me. Why, do I have to lose myself, then try to find myself. What if, just what if, there's no chance of finding it back anymore. It's not about being pessimistic; it's about seeing the world as it is, it's about not being delusional. I know, I'm just fucking trapping myself.

Something's missing. What did I lose along the way? But there's no time to find it back anymore; nobody ever waits for you. You'll have to smile and laugh along with the world, no matter how much, how long you bleed inside. Then keep me locked in my dreams; though haunting, they are more comforting.

Maybe one day, you'll turn around and realize, I'm already not there anymore. And maybe then, you'll be the happiest.

I don't want to be like this. Then tell me how, how do I stop my mind from thinking. It just never ever stops. It has never, never been this hard.