and, tell me, where do I go from here?

Thank you for Mellben Seafood and Bedok bar chor mee. Although food doesn't make me as happy as it used to, I loved the company. :) And thank you Soon Soon Kwang Kwangg Kwanggg for the steamboat at your place! The food was really just too bloody alot and the balls scared the hell out of me and sausages doesn't induce that happiness in me anymore too. But it was still nice and I love to do grocery shopping and thank you for always being so funny. You're funny too, my dear Xiaoshouzhi, but not exactly the nicest to me because you were fierce on the mahjong table!

Still so so, tired. I could stare and stare at the clock and watch the second hand go by. I could sit and stare and stare into the distance. I wish I could stop and live in that moment forever, just stop there and just, stay. But my mind still wouldn't let me. Every single thing I see, every single thing I hear, every single thought I think, hurts. I hate, seeing all the things I've never wanted to see in myself. However I thought myself to be, the reality is far from it. If you couldn't deal with my destructive emotions, what makes you think then, that I could? See it as an internal fight within me, then you wouldn't have to do anything, then you wouldn't have to care. Because it's just me, just me.

But I hate, the position I'm in now. I hate it. I didn't want it to be like that. Why, must it be me? I don't want to lose anything I've never wanted to lose. I hate the repercussions. I hate to feel that I'm feeling worst, feeling more terrible than I could have ever been, while you're there, seemingly having found a silver lining in the clouds. I can't deal with that. I don't want, to be here.

And everyday, I could only have these monologues with myself. That's all I'm left with; myself and my thoughts.

When you've not reached the bottom, it doesn't mean you're not falling.