hold on to your words, 'cause talk is cheap.

I'm thankful, for the people who stayed on, who stood beside me, despite everything. It doesn't mean you have to know everything to make me feel that you understand, to make me feel that you're on my side. Sometimes it's not a matter of who's in the right or who's in the wrong. We all have the need to be selfish, to be defensive of ourselves once in a while. I have. I'm not a saint. No matter whether it's right or wrong, I need to know that at some point in time, people are actually on my side. I need it, to feel a little better. And I really really love you, for making me feel that it's actually okay, that I'm nothing less than human even if I were to think in the way that I was thinking. Maybe that will make me loathe my thoughts less, hate myself less. And maybe sometimes that will make me think and even wish that you were them, and you know, maybe it would be so much easier.

That is why it hurts. It hurts to see and be reminded. My mind haunts me so bad, all I could is to run away physically. I can't block off my own thoughts. I have to endure them every single second and no matter how I run, there's no way out of it. But you know, running away physically is something you could learn and master over time. Though it hurts too, but ultimately, maybe that is the only running away you can actually do.

Maybe studying psychology will be the curse of my life. I love it so much, I really do. But, when you reached a point when you've been exposed to so much, you'll realize that all you have left is self help. Because nothing besides that will work really, at least not on yourself. Words need to be said exactly the way it should in order to work because you know how it should be like. Don't always stress and emphasize on the final outcome. How many a times do people fail to understand it's the process that people can't take, that nobody in that sort of position could possibly see the end, if he is not taken out of the process first. It's not the one day, not the next time, not the some day. It's now. NOW.

And I still apologize. Because I'm only human. Because when my cognitive load is so overbearing, I don't have the capacity of mind to do what I think I should do. Since nothing is making it better, I choose to run away from it, rather than to be killed by it. And don't do that. Don't do something I used to do. Don't do something that reminds me of things I used to do. DON'T. I know maybe you don't even know it. I know it may be something so insignificant you don't even realize it. But it's important to me. It's something, something that reminds me of myself at least. And I can't even make myself say it here. Fuck.

Thank you, thank you for making me feel, that I'm so easily thrown away.