.... . ._.. ._ _.

Why does it only take a small thing to trigger everything I'm trying so hard to push back down. It only takes a word, a thought, to bring me to place where I can't pull myself out of. Why does it have to bring out everything in me that I never ever wanted others to see, that I never ever wanted to feel. Why does it have to make me hate myself for becoming someone I hate to see myself becoming.

Can't you see my calculated steps, my patronizing smiles, my faked laughs and how everything inside me is threatening to burst although I force myself to be seen as otherwise. And how the very best I could do is still to keep on smiling. If not I'll at least try to shut my eyes and hope my tears won't fall and shut my thoughts out and not say a word.

Because I still feel, I still think, I still see. But I won't say, because I know those are selfish thoughts, because I know those are not totally logical thoughts. Or maybe my expectations are higher, maybe I expected otherwise. But it doesn't matter, because nothing's changed, because at the end of the day, they still cut at me, over and over again. Because I know I'm losing, and not to anyone else even though I tell myself it is. Because I should know better, it's a battle I'm fighting with myself.

And when you realize you can't be yourself anymore around your friends, something's terribly wrong. And because sometimes I really really feel tired and have no sense of where to begin, I end up giving up and throwing the thoughts away. But maybe it doesn't matter after all, when it's only yourself.

And it pains me to even write these, when I even don't have the courage to write simply, when I only know how to do what I do best, writing like nobody else can understand except myself. But don't give me the words I hate hearing, if it's going to do anything, it's going to make it a million times worse than make it a little better.

I need the very very last thing I can do.