it's been long, really long.

Now that the internship’s over, I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I wouldn’t be able to wake up so early, fall asleep on the train, see the people who would never fail to make me laugh, go home feeling so tired to do or think about anything and just having to sleep immediately. There wouldn’t be anything that I could just throw myself into, keep myself busy and having nothing to remind me about anything I don’t want to be reminded of. They make me feel that maybe I still have the capacity to be who I want to be, to be a little more okay that what I am now, if I could just get away.

The first day with myself, and I’m already crumbling. The noise around churned out all the irritation in me and my head killed me so bad. I literally slept my day away. I just kept forcing myself to sleep, hoping that the time would pass without me having to be in any state of consciousness. Maybe I just can’t bear to even spend time alone with myself. It scares me, it kills me and it ruins me. If only I could just sleep and never wake up, just sleep my life away.

There’s something in me, refusing to be fixed. It just, can’t be fixed. And I hate to feel, that it’ll just never be okay again.