heartbreaking, all over again

Lexie: "Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
Mark: It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.
Alex: And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
Izzie: That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
Derek: By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.
Bailey: Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.
Owen: So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.
Meredith: The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.
Arizona: The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.
Callie: And let it go when we can.
Meredith: The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.
Cristina: And always, every time, it takes your breath away."


Grey's back! It gives me a kind of solace and comfort that few could provide. The words, the music, they are just so amazing.

And it's all good, to be able to start on a near-blank slate, without the common point, without the pressure. I feel like I can talk easily, laugh freely, and just get by like this without that fear and heartache. And I've never been more happy in a while.

and then, you.

Convocation finally. Wasn't all that excited about it, was more worried about tripping while on the stage or the mortar board falling off my head. But it was all fine! Four years didn't certainly feel like four years. Seemed to be over in just a blink, how intriguing. But I love love you guys, for making my school days just amazing.

And it's tomorrow. It's really here this time, after the delays and waiting. I'm excited and looking foward to it, but still a little worried and apprehensive at the same time. But I know, this will also be over soon before I know it.

and if you wait for someone else's hand, you'll fall, you'll fall

Coming back seemed to make time come to a standstill, with all the familiarity around me threatening to swallow me whole, instead of providing me with some sense of comfort it should. Maybe I'm really better off somewhere else, drowning in the thousand of things I could possibly do, leaving no time left for myself, and just wait for the day I would finally break down in exhaustion.

And Grey's is crazily heartbreaking.

Meredith: "As doctors we can't undo our mistakes, and we rarely forgive ourselves for them. But, it's a hazard of the trade. But, as human beings we can always try to do better. To be better. To right a wrong. Even when it feels irreversible. Of course, I'm sorry doesn't always cut it. Maybe because we use it so many different ways. As a weapon. As an excuse. But, when we are really sorry, when we use it right. When we mean it. When our actions say what words never can. When we get it right "I'm sorry" is perfect. When we get it right, "I'm sorry" is redemption."

Meredith: "Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

I could sit here forever, just because.

because it's only goodbye

Sometimes when I hear the shutter sound, I would still feel an uncontrollable jolt of fear through my body. It's like something that had affected me on a subconscious level, because outwardly, I don't think I ever felt disturbed or anything. It's so weird.

And maybe all I ever wanted was some explicit backing from my girlfriends to - I don't know exactly. Feel better, perceive real support instead of trying it have it imagined? I don't know. But not those, not exactly the aftermath I had in mind. Make me want to tear out my eyes every single time. But I know it doesn't really make a difference anymore, because it's over and just too late.

Omg omg Liverpool is really coming!!! I'm going to cross my fingers and hope that nothing goes wrong nothing changes and that I wouldn't be stuck somewhere although the possibility is quite high. I will just cry and die if I can't make it to see my darling Kuytiee pieeee.

Wennn, I'm more excited about this than Yanzi's. Hahahaa.

for what it's worth

Yesterday was a horrifying day. When I wanted to walk into the kitchen, I saw a cockroach wriggling on its back on the floor, so I ran to the bathroom, took the dustbin and slammed it on the cockroach, feeling triumphant and safe. Nabei, you couldn't possibly believe what I saw next. The bloody kitchen floor was infested with cockroaches here and there with their legs pointing to the air. I think I really almost fainted at the sight. Apparently they were cleaning the rubbish chutes and I don't know how but these pests managed to crawl into my kitchen. And since there wasn't any water and they were really randomly scattered everywhere, I bet they were alive and crawling and trying to escape before finally dying. If they didn't die in time and crawled into the rest of the house or my room I think I would have just jumped out of my window to escape them. Fuck.

It was so fucking disgusting and disturbing I think if it happened again I will just have a cardiac arrest.

It did feel fucking bad, you know.


But I'll forget about it, when I wake up in the morning.
Because there's no use torturing yourself with things, that you know, bother only you and nobody else.


Don't lose, not now.

"April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."
-- T. S. Eliot


I love my igoogle daily literary quotes!

and it couldn't be any clearer

I can't stand the feeling of some thoughts constantly playing over and over in my head, like no matter how hard I try to shut them out, they just keep coming back. And the more I think about it, the more irritated I'll get and wished I could have just expressed it there and then. But sometimes my words just lag behind my thoughts quite a bit, so it doesn't happen that way.

Still I couldn't fathom what made you said what you did. Gloating? Bragging? Or just merely making a joke? I just couldn't comprehend. I seriously didn't see the need for that response and I didn't find it funny definitely. Like seriously? And I so didn't expect it. But all I could muster was to laugh it off, because, what else? Sulk my way through or throw a fit or what? It didn't matter that much I know, but I just didn't like hearing that. That wasn't any point in making that statement at all, you know. And at a subconscious level, it really kinda ruined my mood quite a bit. Perhaps it's just the time, that has caused this distance, this gap of understanding, this lack of common ground.

On another note, things couldn't be clearer than this now. Maybe I didn't think you were this sort of person, maybe I expected otherwise. But I guess I was just wrong. Many things that I did believe in, principles which I held myself by, have all been refuted by reality, nothing less. But maybe I shouldn't lump my expectations on others. But it's fine, it works well in my favor. And I'm glad, I'm not like you, and I'll forever remind myself never to be, however slight.

people are better than no people

Alex: "Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

I love love Alex. But when did Grey's become so so heartbreaking, all over again.

And I realized I fear my own words. Reading them again actually makes me scared, it gives me the chills. It's like I'll want to turn and look away, hoping that these didn't come from me after all. I don't want them to come alive right in front of my eyes again, or in my head.


You can make your way back from anything . ?

so long -

I'm looking at my rainlendar and suddenly feeling stressed beyond measure. So many marked dates in the next two weeks in different colors, different symbols, all meaning something is due. And how could I only start reading the graduation project guidelines now when it's due in like two weeks?!! Nabei.

And I don't even feel a surge of energy when I get an inspiration for my paper. I don't even know whether I even had or will have any spurts of inspirations. I'll only feel marginally happy when I start typing furiously and see the words fill the screen. But when I get stuck or write about one point for far too long, it totally makes me dizzy and feel like puking. Or I'll just feel stoned for the rest of the day, or the next few days.

But I DID FEEL the surge of energy shooting through my whole body when the thought of Bakerzin' half-priced cheesecake filled my mind. Wtf.

you'll not get to believe, so never let yourself be deceived

There was one day when I took a longer route to walk home, and as I listened to my ipod and sipped my soyabean drink, it felt strangely comforting. And whenever I see buses in the evening, I'll always have the urge to just hop onto one and let it take me wherever it'll go. I miss these long bus rides where I could look out of the window and watch the world passing me by, where there's just me and my music plugged into my ears. But on that particular day, I seriously needed to go to the washroom and couldn't possibly last the whole journey, so I washed off the idea.

And I'm glad Papa Benitez would still be staying on. He evokes this sense of adulation in me I actually can't fathom why, because he never ever smiles. I can never understand why his composure is always unshaken, to the extent that he seems almost emotionless or oblivious to joy. Please smile, Papa Benitez!

I so wished I was at Anfield.


And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bone
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know

it takes so much, to lie through it all

Sometimes I wonder why, it only takes a soccer match like that to make me feel a surge of happiness so great I almost feel as if my heart was bursting out of my chest. It's like that moment of bliss was so pure, so effortless and that it had always been there all along. But how come something so simple, could be so obscure at the same time.

I'm full of anticipation and excitement, at what awaits after this phase of my life really really reaches its end. And yet, there's endless doubts, fears, which I think are justifiable, but they still trap me unwittingly. I'm tied down by the practicality of things, yet I want to try and escape its reins, to find something that will hopefully keep me inspired constantly. I need that to keep me going. I can't settle with something that will just barely suffice. I think I will choke and suffocate and die a slow and painful death if that is so. I can't possibly live the rest of my life with that. And sometimes that determination makes me proud of myself, but other times the fear eats at me, making me scared and worried that it'll all be wrong, that the reality will refute all that I've believed in.

i seemed to have lost a year, somewhere

I loved tennis! Although the coach was fierce and it was hell picking up balls and my body ached like fuck and my shoulders were burnt. But it was still funnnn! :))

And thank you for the honest words. Seriously, I believe deep down inside me I know it, but I just refused to face up to it. And nobody ever put it across to me so bluntly. Maybe along the way, someone, somehow did, but it just got forgotten. Perhaps some things are just not able to be mended, or perhaps, never meant to be mended, because there's no point. Maybe some things are meant to be left hanging, uncompleted. And yes, words are cheap, I should learn never to trust and hold on to every single word people say. Words are just fabrications, justifications to make people feel better, and easily forgotten. And promises are made to be broken, if not there wouldn't be an abundance of instances of 'broken promises' and not 'fulfilled promises'. So I'll go on from here, and hopefully never turn back again. I'll keep telling myself it's okay, and not it's going to be okay, because the 'going' part is just too long, too ambiguous. I don't have time for that, it will wear me down. Cognitive dissonance maybe, but I'll work it out.

There's much more important things out there. There are some people, who'll not be there all the time, but if you take the time to slow down, turn and look back, they will still always be there at the end of the day. There are some who'll disappear, and that about says it all. I will learn, to stop running, and cherish those who are important to me, and I hope, it's not too late.

it's not going to be a mere fantasy

I have a friend who abandoned me and left with the disgusting crowd at the train station with a cryptic message of "I'm meeting someone". But it was so not cryptic in actual fact because it was so predictable and I scolded her until all the blood rushed to my head and I was dizzy and faint. Fundamentally, it brokeeeeeeeee my heart. I hoped you didn't dance and jump around and sing to that disgusting song while waiting! :((

And it's so tiring having to fill in application forms over and over again, going for endless tests and interviews and trotting around in the only black pants I have that keeps slipping continuously. And to fight the constant fear, and doubt. I just hope I'm going the right way.

And it's really enough. The dreams that haunt me constantly, I wish they could really just go away. I don't know how to make them go, as much as I want to. They seem to tell me, to just say fuck off, walk away and never ever turn back again. That is, if I can do it. I want to, so please let me. Funny, how I feel sometimes, that it's a fight against nobody, but myself. There's nobody else left, none that cares. It's just me, fighting something invisible, that only I can see. And fuck it, I hate myself for that. I want to be that someone that I had been. I don't want to feel inherently destroyed, that it was meant to be this way anyway, that I had been deluded by the times when I felt that hey I could actually be like this, I could actually like the way I am. I don't like the things that taint my life, my ideals, the very core of things I believed in. I don't like to feel that something in my life is still not quite right, that the ropes' ends are not yet tied. I don't like to deal, with incompleteness. Because it shatters me. Because I try too hard, to be strong, and yet, constantly fearing that the sheer exhaustion would be too overwhelming and eat me whole from the insides, one day.

My thoughts are in a tangled mess and I feel fucking delirious, for god knows what reasons.

But I take comfort in my daily dose of caffeine, my daily read of literary quote from igoogle. And I got my baby today, so I should be happy.


Because you'd made me grown up overnight, knowing myself, hating what I see, and understanding that the world is not what it seems to be, at all.

in the midnight hour

"Sometimes I have this dream," the young man in the wheelchair said. His voice had a strange echo to it, as if it were rising up from the bottom of a cavernous hole. "There's a sharp knife stabbed into the soft part of my head, where the memories lie. It's stuck deep down inside. It doesn't hurt or weigh me down - it's just stuck there. And I'm standing off to one side, looking at this like it's happening to someone else. I want someone to pull the knife out, but no one knows it's stuck inside my head. I think about yanking it out myself, but I can't reach my hands inside my head. It's the strangest thing. I can stab myself, but I can't reach the knife to pull it out. And then everything starts to disappear. I start to fade away, too. Only the knife is always there - to the very end. Like the bone of some prehistoric animal on the beach. That's the kind of dream I have," he said.
-- Hunting Knife; Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman


I could come to the end of my life unsaved, still screaming in the dark, afraid.

all there's left to do is run

I’m constantly dreaming of things that I’d secretly feared, of fights that should have but never happened, arguments in which I’d seemed to be never able to scream out loud, no matter how hard I tried. It’s these soundless dreams that make me totally exhausted when I wake up. It’s frustrating, terrifying, when I can’t get my words out, when everything comes out, as silence. It almost feels as if I could choke and suffocate. And I berate myself, for tearing unwillingly in my sleep, for all the things I couldn’t control.

And I seemed to have reached a standstill, where my principles, my ideals have all come together and reached an intersection, conflicted, and leaving me stumped. Because it starts to get terrifying, when the things you go by just start to crumble right in front of you. Like all the words in life, that could just become lies overnight. And then it’s not a matter of being able to separate the real from the fabricated anymore, it’s about if there’s even actually anything left that is remotely, or would remain real, at all. I wish I could just sit and stone all my life.

Andddddddd, frivolous things like this make me happy. I feel a surge of happiness just by looking at it, although I know it’s pretty useless but it emanates a sort of warmth in me when I hug it. Hahaa. Just like how I could just melt and die of happiness when I hear Raymond Lam’s voice when he talks, when he sings, when I see him act, when I see tears in his eyes. It’s just, indescribable. Hahahaa. At least, some things still stay the same.

I want my babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy now!

And I realized, it's the anger, the anger I have, at myself, that's making everything so difficult. That's why, the hardest person to forgive ever, is yourself.

leave, before you get left.

I need to fight off my addictions. But I love how they take hold of me, like I have something that belongs to me, that will never let go.

I don't wake up on a morning without a craving for my caffeine fix. I want to go bungee jumping, I want to go skydiving, I want to go river rafting, I want to get an adrenaline rush every second of my life. I'm addicted, to the things that would make me feel high, that would make me feel that my heart is actually still beating, that would make me feel, a little less than myself now.

And my newest addiction is seeing my hair stylist chop off more and more of my hair. I get a kick out of seeing it getting shorter and shorter each time. And I don't know why.

And that's all I can change. No matter what I do to my outer appearance, does it actually make a difference. It's like I'm trying so hard to mask the insides that refuse to bulge. We're all just deluding ourselves, over and over again.

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel, and remember what you deserve.

and i realized, how easily erased i was.

"By the time you read this, I hope to be dead.
You can't undo something that's happened; you can't take back a word that's already been said out loud. You'll think about me and wish that you had been able to talk me out of this. You'll try to figure out what would have been the one right thing to say, to do. I guess I should tell you, don't blame yourself; this isn't your fault, but that would be a lie. We both know that I didn't get here by myself.
You'll cry, at my funeral. You'll say it didn't have to be this way. You will act like everyone expects you to. But will you miss me?
More importantly -- will I miss you?
Does either one of us really want to hear the answer to that question?"
-- Nineteen Minutes

How, could you make me cry so hard?



If you were drifting with a thousand other people, could you really still say you were lost?

it chills my heart so