"April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."
-- T. S. Eliot


I love my igoogle daily literary quotes!

and it couldn't be any clearer

I can't stand the feeling of some thoughts constantly playing over and over in my head, like no matter how hard I try to shut them out, they just keep coming back. And the more I think about it, the more irritated I'll get and wished I could have just expressed it there and then. But sometimes my words just lag behind my thoughts quite a bit, so it doesn't happen that way.

Still I couldn't fathom what made you said what you did. Gloating? Bragging? Or just merely making a joke? I just couldn't comprehend. I seriously didn't see the need for that response and I didn't find it funny definitely. Like seriously? And I so didn't expect it. But all I could muster was to laugh it off, because, what else? Sulk my way through or throw a fit or what? It didn't matter that much I know, but I just didn't like hearing that. That wasn't any point in making that statement at all, you know. And at a subconscious level, it really kinda ruined my mood quite a bit. Perhaps it's just the time, that has caused this distance, this gap of understanding, this lack of common ground.

On another note, things couldn't be clearer than this now. Maybe I didn't think you were this sort of person, maybe I expected otherwise. But I guess I was just wrong. Many things that I did believe in, principles which I held myself by, have all been refuted by reality, nothing less. But maybe I shouldn't lump my expectations on others. But it's fine, it works well in my favor. And I'm glad, I'm not like you, and I'll forever remind myself never to be, however slight.

people are better than no people

Alex: "Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

I love love Alex. But when did Grey's become so so heartbreaking, all over again.

And I realized I fear my own words. Reading them again actually makes me scared, it gives me the chills. It's like I'll want to turn and look away, hoping that these didn't come from me after all. I don't want them to come alive right in front of my eyes again, or in my head.


You can make your way back from anything . ?

so long -

I'm looking at my rainlendar and suddenly feeling stressed beyond measure. So many marked dates in the next two weeks in different colors, different symbols, all meaning something is due. And how could I only start reading the graduation project guidelines now when it's due in like two weeks?!! Nabei.

And I don't even feel a surge of energy when I get an inspiration for my paper. I don't even know whether I even had or will have any spurts of inspirations. I'll only feel marginally happy when I start typing furiously and see the words fill the screen. But when I get stuck or write about one point for far too long, it totally makes me dizzy and feel like puking. Or I'll just feel stoned for the rest of the day, or the next few days.

But I DID FEEL the surge of energy shooting through my whole body when the thought of Bakerzin' half-priced cheesecake filled my mind. Wtf.

you'll not get to believe, so never let yourself be deceived

There was one day when I took a longer route to walk home, and as I listened to my ipod and sipped my soyabean drink, it felt strangely comforting. And whenever I see buses in the evening, I'll always have the urge to just hop onto one and let it take me wherever it'll go. I miss these long bus rides where I could look out of the window and watch the world passing me by, where there's just me and my music plugged into my ears. But on that particular day, I seriously needed to go to the washroom and couldn't possibly last the whole journey, so I washed off the idea.

And I'm glad Papa Benitez would still be staying on. He evokes this sense of adulation in me I actually can't fathom why, because he never ever smiles. I can never understand why his composure is always unshaken, to the extent that he seems almost emotionless or oblivious to joy. Please smile, Papa Benitez!

I so wished I was at Anfield.


And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bone
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know

it takes so much, to lie through it all

Sometimes I wonder why, it only takes a soccer match like that to make me feel a surge of happiness so great I almost feel as if my heart was bursting out of my chest. It's like that moment of bliss was so pure, so effortless and that it had always been there all along. But how come something so simple, could be so obscure at the same time.

I'm full of anticipation and excitement, at what awaits after this phase of my life really really reaches its end. And yet, there's endless doubts, fears, which I think are justifiable, but they still trap me unwittingly. I'm tied down by the practicality of things, yet I want to try and escape its reins, to find something that will hopefully keep me inspired constantly. I need that to keep me going. I can't settle with something that will just barely suffice. I think I will choke and suffocate and die a slow and painful death if that is so. I can't possibly live the rest of my life with that. And sometimes that determination makes me proud of myself, but other times the fear eats at me, making me scared and worried that it'll all be wrong, that the reality will refute all that I've believed in.

i seemed to have lost a year, somewhere

I loved tennis! Although the coach was fierce and it was hell picking up balls and my body ached like fuck and my shoulders were burnt. But it was still funnnn! :))

And thank you for the honest words. Seriously, I believe deep down inside me I know it, but I just refused to face up to it. And nobody ever put it across to me so bluntly. Maybe along the way, someone, somehow did, but it just got forgotten. Perhaps some things are just not able to be mended, or perhaps, never meant to be mended, because there's no point. Maybe some things are meant to be left hanging, uncompleted. And yes, words are cheap, I should learn never to trust and hold on to every single word people say. Words are just fabrications, justifications to make people feel better, and easily forgotten. And promises are made to be broken, if not there wouldn't be an abundance of instances of 'broken promises' and not 'fulfilled promises'. So I'll go on from here, and hopefully never turn back again. I'll keep telling myself it's okay, and not it's going to be okay, because the 'going' part is just too long, too ambiguous. I don't have time for that, it will wear me down. Cognitive dissonance maybe, but I'll work it out.

There's much more important things out there. There are some people, who'll not be there all the time, but if you take the time to slow down, turn and look back, they will still always be there at the end of the day. There are some who'll disappear, and that about says it all. I will learn, to stop running, and cherish those who are important to me, and I hope, it's not too late.