for what it's worth

Yesterday was a horrifying day. When I wanted to walk into the kitchen, I saw a cockroach wriggling on its back on the floor, so I ran to the bathroom, took the dustbin and slammed it on the cockroach, feeling triumphant and safe. Nabei, you couldn't possibly believe what I saw next. The bloody kitchen floor was infested with cockroaches here and there with their legs pointing to the air. I think I really almost fainted at the sight. Apparently they were cleaning the rubbish chutes and I don't know how but these pests managed to crawl into my kitchen. And since there wasn't any water and they were really randomly scattered everywhere, I bet they were alive and crawling and trying to escape before finally dying. If they didn't die in time and crawled into the rest of the house or my room I think I would have just jumped out of my window to escape them. Fuck.

It was so fucking disgusting and disturbing I think if it happened again I will just have a cardiac arrest.

It did feel fucking bad, you know.


But I'll forget about it, when I wake up in the morning.
Because there's no use torturing yourself with things, that you know, bother only you and nobody else.


Don't lose, not now.

"April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain."
-- T. S. Eliot


I love my igoogle daily literary quotes!

and it couldn't be any clearer

I can't stand the feeling of some thoughts constantly playing over and over in my head, like no matter how hard I try to shut them out, they just keep coming back. And the more I think about it, the more irritated I'll get and wished I could have just expressed it there and then. But sometimes my words just lag behind my thoughts quite a bit, so it doesn't happen that way.

Still I couldn't fathom what made you said what you did. Gloating? Bragging? Or just merely making a joke? I just couldn't comprehend. I seriously didn't see the need for that response and I didn't find it funny definitely. Like seriously? And I so didn't expect it. But all I could muster was to laugh it off, because, what else? Sulk my way through or throw a fit or what? It didn't matter that much I know, but I just didn't like hearing that. That wasn't any point in making that statement at all, you know. And at a subconscious level, it really kinda ruined my mood quite a bit. Perhaps it's just the time, that has caused this distance, this gap of understanding, this lack of common ground.

On another note, things couldn't be clearer than this now. Maybe I didn't think you were this sort of person, maybe I expected otherwise. But I guess I was just wrong. Many things that I did believe in, principles which I held myself by, have all been refuted by reality, nothing less. But maybe I shouldn't lump my expectations on others. But it's fine, it works well in my favor. And I'm glad, I'm not like you, and I'll forever remind myself never to be, however slight.

people are better than no people

Alex: "Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

I love love Alex. But when did Grey's become so so heartbreaking, all over again.

And I realized I fear my own words. Reading them again actually makes me scared, it gives me the chills. It's like I'll want to turn and look away, hoping that these didn't come from me after all. I don't want them to come alive right in front of my eyes again, or in my head.


You can make your way back from anything . ?

so long -

I'm looking at my rainlendar and suddenly feeling stressed beyond measure. So many marked dates in the next two weeks in different colors, different symbols, all meaning something is due. And how could I only start reading the graduation project guidelines now when it's due in like two weeks?!! Nabei.

And I don't even feel a surge of energy when I get an inspiration for my paper. I don't even know whether I even had or will have any spurts of inspirations. I'll only feel marginally happy when I start typing furiously and see the words fill the screen. But when I get stuck or write about one point for far too long, it totally makes me dizzy and feel like puking. Or I'll just feel stoned for the rest of the day, or the next few days.

But I DID FEEL the surge of energy shooting through my whole body when the thought of Bakerzin' half-priced cheesecake filled my mind. Wtf.

you'll not get to believe, so never let yourself be deceived

There was one day when I took a longer route to walk home, and as I listened to my ipod and sipped my soyabean drink, it felt strangely comforting. And whenever I see buses in the evening, I'll always have the urge to just hop onto one and let it take me wherever it'll go. I miss these long bus rides where I could look out of the window and watch the world passing me by, where there's just me and my music plugged into my ears. But on that particular day, I seriously needed to go to the washroom and couldn't possibly last the whole journey, so I washed off the idea.

And I'm glad Papa Benitez would still be staying on. He evokes this sense of adulation in me I actually can't fathom why, because he never ever smiles. I can never understand why his composure is always unshaken, to the extent that he seems almost emotionless or oblivious to joy. Please smile, Papa Benitez!

I so wished I was at Anfield.


And it kicks so hard, it breaks your bone
Cuts so deep, it hits your soul
Tears your skin, and makes your blood flow
It's better that you know