One moment I'll be happy, thinking that I'll be able to see the people I love later. But I fear seeing so many people, afraid to not be able to be as happy as I should be.
Just let Christmas be over, New Year be over, just let everything be over. I don't want to celebrate. Just let the year be over, I never want, to be 21 again. But what difference will it make. A new year, doesn't make, a different me.
Hvn't I said I feared the emptiness the most. And now it's all here, it's all mine. Rip my heart out, tear my mind apart, I don't want to be able to feel, to think. I know, I'm so gone. Everything is just overwhelming me again. Everything is just killing me over and over again and yet, I don't seem to die.
I can't stop, can't stop the tears.
I feel, like puking.
As much as I want to be here, I don't want to be here.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
and, tell me, where do I go from here?
Thank you for Mellben Seafood and Bedok bar chor mee. Although food doesn't make me as happy as it used to, I loved the company. :) And thank you Soon Soon Kwang Kwangg Kwanggg for the steamboat at your place! The food was really just too bloody alot and the balls scared the hell out of me and sausages doesn't induce that happiness in me anymore too. But it was still nice and I love to do grocery shopping and thank you for always being so funny. You're funny too, my dear Xiaoshouzhi, but not exactly the nicest to me because you were fierce on the mahjong table!
Still so so, tired. I could stare and stare at the clock and watch the second hand go by. I could sit and stare and stare into the distance. I wish I could stop and live in that moment forever, just stop there and just, stay. But my mind still wouldn't let me. Every single thing I see, every single thing I hear, every single thought I think, hurts. I hate, seeing all the things I've never wanted to see in myself. However I thought myself to be, the reality is far from it. If you couldn't deal with my destructive emotions, what makes you think then, that I could? See it as an internal fight within me, then you wouldn't have to do anything, then you wouldn't have to care. Because it's just me, just me.
But I hate, the position I'm in now. I hate it. I didn't want it to be like that. Why, must it be me? I don't want to lose anything I've never wanted to lose. I hate the repercussions. I hate to feel that I'm feeling worst, feeling more terrible than I could have ever been, while you're there, seemingly having found a silver lining in the clouds. I can't deal with that. I don't want, to be here.
And everyday, I could only have these monologues with myself. That's all I'm left with; myself and my thoughts.
When you've not reached the bottom, it doesn't mean you're not falling.
Still so so, tired. I could stare and stare at the clock and watch the second hand go by. I could sit and stare and stare into the distance. I wish I could stop and live in that moment forever, just stop there and just, stay. But my mind still wouldn't let me. Every single thing I see, every single thing I hear, every single thought I think, hurts. I hate, seeing all the things I've never wanted to see in myself. However I thought myself to be, the reality is far from it. If you couldn't deal with my destructive emotions, what makes you think then, that I could? See it as an internal fight within me, then you wouldn't have to do anything, then you wouldn't have to care. Because it's just me, just me.
But I hate, the position I'm in now. I hate it. I didn't want it to be like that. Why, must it be me? I don't want to lose anything I've never wanted to lose. I hate the repercussions. I hate to feel that I'm feeling worst, feeling more terrible than I could have ever been, while you're there, seemingly having found a silver lining in the clouds. I can't deal with that. I don't want, to be here.
And everyday, I could only have these monologues with myself. That's all I'm left with; myself and my thoughts.
When you've not reached the bottom, it doesn't mean you're not falling.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
do, do what makes you happy.
Honestly, I don't like the feeling of not feeling happy when I see the food I'm supposed to like in front of me. The moment after I put something in my mouth, I just want to push it all away. It wasn't like that. I didn't want to be like that. But it just happened.
Always thought it would be easy to say, but now I've fully understood how it feels like to have words stuck in your throat. I was meant, to swallow everything down and perhaps, let the words eat me from the inside. I could only bite my teeth, clench my fists, and hope that the cracking moment would just pass. My head, it hurts so much every second I swear, I hope, and I wish, an artery inside would burst.
I don't want to walk on that old path, it doesn't belong to me. So, don't put me on it. Even though I've tried, even though I could if I wanted to, I've never really ran away. It's only a matter of whether you actually bothered to find.
为什么已经找不回那种种让我有幸福的感觉的东西.
Always thought it would be easy to say, but now I've fully understood how it feels like to have words stuck in your throat. I was meant, to swallow everything down and perhaps, let the words eat me from the inside. I could only bite my teeth, clench my fists, and hope that the cracking moment would just pass. My head, it hurts so much every second I swear, I hope, and I wish, an artery inside would burst.
I don't want to walk on that old path, it doesn't belong to me. So, don't put me on it. Even though I've tried, even though I could if I wanted to, I've never really ran away. It's only a matter of whether you actually bothered to find.
为什么已经找不回那种种让我有幸福的感觉的东西.
Monday, December 17, 2007
it hurts to want everything, and nothing at the same time.
I don't why but the tears just flowed when you hugged me. Maybe it's the hug, they do miraculous things to me. Maybe it's just you, because I really hvn't seen you for so so long and I didn't realize I really do miss you quite a bit. But you're flying away so so soon, couldn't you bring me along with you? I could do with getting away from here. Still, I love you, and am really happy to be able to see you after so long.
I hate it when the fucking beer kills my head when I'm barely even high, and am absolutely nowhere near to being drunk. I can't stand the throbbing in my head and I hate it because I can't use it to make me feel better, even for awhile. I need, to cross this threshold.
Why do I feel so terribly lousy whenever I wake up in the mornings. I abhor, the thought of waking up every single morning so much, it's slowly killing me inside. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but no one said it would be this hard.
What can you do, when you want the nights to end, and the mornings to never come.
I hate it when the fucking beer kills my head when I'm barely even high, and am absolutely nowhere near to being drunk. I can't stand the throbbing in my head and I hate it because I can't use it to make me feel better, even for awhile. I need, to cross this threshold.
Why do I feel so terribly lousy whenever I wake up in the mornings. I abhor, the thought of waking up every single morning so much, it's slowly killing me inside. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but no one said it would be this hard.
What can you do, when you want the nights to end, and the mornings to never come.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
hello stranger
Excerpts from 幾米's 又寂寞又美好.
Thank you, for the gift.
月亮升起時, 我抹去眼淚.
在我眼前歡樂地跳舞歌唱.
心中那源源不絕的悲傷呢?
我們只會擁抱,
可惜擁抱很難持久.
只有最堅定的死亡,
才能永遠擁抱在一起.
一片消失的沙漠中,
我失去了名字,
失去了身份,
也失去了記憶.
轉啊轉,
轉啊轉,
轉啊轉……
我究竟是在何時,
脫離了地心引力,
消失在地圖上呢?
Friday, December 14, 2007
why do I still see, nothing.
12 Storeys was depressing, and dark in a way, but really good. An amazing way to spend the night, but nothing lasts forever, and soon, it's always back, to here again. How comforting is that.
As I start destroying myself in this endless cycle of self-destructing emotions, I'm beginning to perhaps get in touch with who I really am. Maybe I'm really innately screwed up, finding more comfort in staying in the pain, rather than to walk out of it, only to fall back in again, surely, one day. I still, see no point in it. I seemed to be self-absorbed too, like you. So perhaps, we all are. But I truly believe this mechanism which triggers everything terrible in me is different from others. The diathesis-stress model, maybe I do possess the inherent vulnerability which makes me more susceptible to it when triggered by external events. And I fully understand how prone I am to it, no matter whether it's just a pervasive feeling without any apparent reason or one with a reason I absolutely cannot brush away, no matter how hard I try. Why am I even afraid, to name the it. Because I always thought it was just part of my adolescence angst, something that was perhaps, just made up by myself, and would go away if I wanted it to. But what if it wasn't, what if it wouldn't?
Although the something inside of me may be pervasive, may be destructive, it doesn't mean I would take the blame for everything. It doesn't mean the problem now only lies with me, it doesn't mean it's all up to me. It just, doesn't work that way. I'm different. When I sink, I really, just sink. Time doesn't work with me. If it's all up to me, I'll just drift away and lose myself progressively, because it's just easier to run away, alone. Of course, if that's what you really want, then don't worry, you'll ultimately get it. If it doesn't matter to you, then just, let it be. Everybody's actually just selfish, only caring about getting what they want, following what they feel, making themselves feel better. I know, I could be like that. But, you are too. The only difference, is who stands on which end.
I know my coping style is maladaptive. It doesn't exactly makes me feel better, but if nothing else does anyway, then why not? So many things I've tried, doesn't work. Everything's just fleeting, and when you lose focus for just a second, everything will come crashing down again. I have had too many of these moments, so why should I even continuing trying? I have imagined and thought through many many ways, but I lack just that little bit of courage to make it all work. Don't know if I should be glad or sad about that.
As I start destroying myself in this endless cycle of self-destructing emotions, I'm beginning to perhaps get in touch with who I really am. Maybe I'm really innately screwed up, finding more comfort in staying in the pain, rather than to walk out of it, only to fall back in again, surely, one day. I still, see no point in it. I seemed to be self-absorbed too, like you. So perhaps, we all are. But I truly believe this mechanism which triggers everything terrible in me is different from others. The diathesis-stress model, maybe I do possess the inherent vulnerability which makes me more susceptible to it when triggered by external events. And I fully understand how prone I am to it, no matter whether it's just a pervasive feeling without any apparent reason or one with a reason I absolutely cannot brush away, no matter how hard I try. Why am I even afraid, to name the it. Because I always thought it was just part of my adolescence angst, something that was perhaps, just made up by myself, and would go away if I wanted it to. But what if it wasn't, what if it wouldn't?
Although the something inside of me may be pervasive, may be destructive, it doesn't mean I would take the blame for everything. It doesn't mean the problem now only lies with me, it doesn't mean it's all up to me. It just, doesn't work that way. I'm different. When I sink, I really, just sink. Time doesn't work with me. If it's all up to me, I'll just drift away and lose myself progressively, because it's just easier to run away, alone. Of course, if that's what you really want, then don't worry, you'll ultimately get it. If it doesn't matter to you, then just, let it be. Everybody's actually just selfish, only caring about getting what they want, following what they feel, making themselves feel better. I know, I could be like that. But, you are too. The only difference, is who stands on which end.
I know my coping style is maladaptive. It doesn't exactly makes me feel better, but if nothing else does anyway, then why not? So many things I've tried, doesn't work. Everything's just fleeting, and when you lose focus for just a second, everything will come crashing down again. I have had too many of these moments, so why should I even continuing trying? I have imagined and thought through many many ways, but I lack just that little bit of courage to make it all work. Don't know if I should be glad or sad about that.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Seems like the rain's never going to stop. I'll never ever get my sun in this way. And it makes me really really sad. Futsal's match today, and the supposedly lack of players became like too many people suddenly. And I didn't get to play, but it's okay because I couldn't control the ball for nuts. But we still had our own post futsal game, netball game, so it was still very very fun. And although you wouldn't be able to see this, thank you Weejin for sprinting with me. I almost forgot how good sprinting feels. The air against your cheeks, the rush of adrenaline is almost heavenly. And it's been so long, but I finally got to do my rounds again. I think I really love running. The stitches were almost tearing me apart, but I just continued running and running. I love pushing myself in this way. I could have gone on forever. And if only I could, because the track's never-ending, you really could go on forever. But I know, I still have to stop, and return to wherever I was.
I miss hall life too. Had been over at Weejin's room with monkey to wash up ourselves after the trainings/games. And it's Hall8 too, so there's this wonderfully nostalgic feeling, and I'm even surprised at that. If only we could all live together, side by side. We could have lots and lots of fun. And thank you darling monkey, I know you could make me smile. Even though I lose myself at times; while taking a moment off and sitting on the court alone, while running by myself, while walking by myself, you could still somehow bring me back in a way. Dinner at Adam Road Food Centre was great, ice-cream at Island Creamery was a bliss too. I could sit down with you guys and talk forever. I love you so so much.
But I still feel so ruined, so broken. There's just too many things I cannot understand, I cannot accept. Somehow, I'm starting to lose myself, or perhaps, I've already lost myself. Could I pass the hurt to you, why must they be all for me. Do you even know just how much, how much I'm really crumbling down inside. I fear, every single moment I have with myself.
I miss hall life too. Had been over at Weejin's room with monkey to wash up ourselves after the trainings/games. And it's Hall8 too, so there's this wonderfully nostalgic feeling, and I'm even surprised at that. If only we could all live together, side by side. We could have lots and lots of fun. And thank you darling monkey, I know you could make me smile. Even though I lose myself at times; while taking a moment off and sitting on the court alone, while running by myself, while walking by myself, you could still somehow bring me back in a way. Dinner at Adam Road Food Centre was great, ice-cream at Island Creamery was a bliss too. I could sit down with you guys and talk forever. I love you so so much.
But I still feel so ruined, so broken. There's just too many things I cannot understand, I cannot accept. Somehow, I'm starting to lose myself, or perhaps, I've already lost myself. Could I pass the hurt to you, why must they be all for me. Do you even know just how much, how much I'm really crumbling down inside. I fear, every single moment I have with myself.
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