it's been long, really long.

Now that the internship’s over, I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I wouldn’t be able to wake up so early, fall asleep on the train, see the people who would never fail to make me laugh, go home feeling so tired to do or think about anything and just having to sleep immediately. There wouldn’t be anything that I could just throw myself into, keep myself busy and having nothing to remind me about anything I don’t want to be reminded of. They make me feel that maybe I still have the capacity to be who I want to be, to be a little more okay that what I am now, if I could just get away.

The first day with myself, and I’m already crumbling. The noise around churned out all the irritation in me and my head killed me so bad. I literally slept my day away. I just kept forcing myself to sleep, hoping that the time would pass without me having to be in any state of consciousness. Maybe I just can’t bear to even spend time alone with myself. It scares me, it kills me and it ruins me. If only I could just sleep and never wake up, just sleep my life away.

There’s something in me, refusing to be fixed. It just, can’t be fixed. And I hate to feel, that it’ll just never be okay again.

你是我的隐形人.

突然发现自己真的非常没有用. 不管跑得多远, 终究还是会被拉回到原点. 自己也有拼命地要坚强一点, 但坚强只能留在外表上, 内心却要安抚许许多多的挣扎. 为什么会变成这样?

而终于有了一点点的目标, 但却有一些抹不掉的恐惧. 最讨厌的就是害怕, 不勇敢. 以前根本都不是这样的.

you make me, disillusioned.

怎么办. 真的应该听你们所说的吗? 会有用, 会好一点吗? 如果是你, 你也会那么做吗? 真的说得出, 就一定代表做得到吗? 从来都没人喜欢承认自己的懦弱. 从来没人喜欢 只想要一直沉睡的念头. 但是, 如果有一天, 真的真的累垮了, 到底该怎么办才好?

and i've told the sky above, but not you.

Picnic today at Botanic Gardens! I'm so glad it didn't rain because there was thunder when we got there. Made a terrible mess at the start with all the cooking we wanted to do but we still had fun and loved the food! :)


I love love you girls. Maybe I have to see you all everyday just to keep myself sane. I'm missing you all already! :(



Little kids are cute when they are playing happily. But when they cry and become little devils, all I want is to smack them. Maybe I love dogs more. Hahaha.


And I met daisy duckieee there when we were about to leave! Thought I wouldn't see her because the place isn't that small after all. And I didn't get to steal red wine or pasta from her picnic lah.

tonight the sky above, reminds me of you.

Meredith: "In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We cant help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back."


Tonight I see a clearer picture. I see who, and how I've become. I feel the fear in me, anxiously trying to mask what others hvn't seen, trying to paint an untainted picture. I see the time slip away while my feet are rooted to the same spot. We all need time, but time has never waited for anyone. It just goes on quietly, until one day, when you decided to turn back for a split second, you realized that so much has gone and left, and without you.

But I still go on each day, with the exhaustion seeping through me. And waiting, waiting for that breaking point. Because nothing seems right anymore. Because nothing feels right anymore.

hold on to your words, 'cause talk is cheap.

I'm thankful, for the people who stayed on, who stood beside me, despite everything. It doesn't mean you have to know everything to make me feel that you understand, to make me feel that you're on my side. Sometimes it's not a matter of who's in the right or who's in the wrong. We all have the need to be selfish, to be defensive of ourselves once in a while. I have. I'm not a saint. No matter whether it's right or wrong, I need to know that at some point in time, people are actually on my side. I need it, to feel a little better. And I really really love you, for making me feel that it's actually okay, that I'm nothing less than human even if I were to think in the way that I was thinking. Maybe that will make me loathe my thoughts less, hate myself less. And maybe sometimes that will make me think and even wish that you were them, and you know, maybe it would be so much easier.

That is why it hurts. It hurts to see and be reminded. My mind haunts me so bad, all I could is to run away physically. I can't block off my own thoughts. I have to endure them every single second and no matter how I run, there's no way out of it. But you know, running away physically is something you could learn and master over time. Though it hurts too, but ultimately, maybe that is the only running away you can actually do.

Maybe studying psychology will be the curse of my life. I love it so much, I really do. But, when you reached a point when you've been exposed to so much, you'll realize that all you have left is self help. Because nothing besides that will work really, at least not on yourself. Words need to be said exactly the way it should in order to work because you know how it should be like. Don't always stress and emphasize on the final outcome. How many a times do people fail to understand it's the process that people can't take, that nobody in that sort of position could possibly see the end, if he is not taken out of the process first. It's not the one day, not the next time, not the some day. It's now. NOW.

And I still apologize. Because I'm only human. Because when my cognitive load is so overbearing, I don't have the capacity of mind to do what I think I should do. Since nothing is making it better, I choose to run away from it, rather than to be killed by it. And don't do that. Don't do something I used to do. Don't do something that reminds me of things I used to do. DON'T. I know maybe you don't even know it. I know it may be something so insignificant you don't even realize it. But it's important to me. It's something, something that reminds me of myself at least. And I can't even make myself say it here. Fuck.

Thank you, thank you for making me feel, that I'm so easily thrown away.

you should've said no, should've gone home.

I am a strong believer in that nothing lasts forever.
But that, that doesn't give anyone the prerogative to inflict so much hurt.

One person's happiness, is another person's anguish.
It only depends, if you got lucky.

The day I stop being so hard on myself, is the day when my head could finally take a break. But for now, it's still crumbling under the pressure of everything.


But HE, he is still my man. :)