and i can't do it no more.

Please, do not, do not do that. It aches my fucking heart but you don't know it.
And I still have to force myself to smile at you.
I don't blame you, I don't hate you. I hate myself.
What do I have left? Me and my insanity. Fuck you.

That's why they say, you need to go away for awhile, and forget all the people you once knew.
Then it'll be okay. It'll be all okay.

One day you'll wake up, and you're not going to recognize yourself anymore.

眼神不会说话只有泪光.

I've finished my whole pack of coffee, all thirty sticks of them, in less than half a month. Plus the many random cups of coffee I had in school that I've made myself bloody dependent on. I don't know how, but I've managed to convince myself that I need it to get by the day, no matter what. It gives me the highs.

You've left. And you're leaving too. How am I going to fill in the void during the days when both of you are not going to be around at all! You make me love running to school everyday and staying till late and hate going home, and after all that you're going to leave me alone. And you know what's the only thing that I can do during your absence. :( Please please come back soon okay! I feel as if I cannot live without you all. Hahahaa. Disgusting.

Yes, I love the library so much I wished it was just next to my house. But the unisex washroom makes me feel so disgusted everytime I use it now, thanks to the ideas you all put into my head! I love being in school so much I feel like running back every single day. :(

不管走多远步伐都没有力量.

I’ve told you before, I could leave anything, anyone behind and just leave. It’s not that nothing matters to me, but it’s more of I don’t feel much about detaching myself from everything in the end. All I need, is the chance to be able to. Maybe you have forgotten, maybe you don’t really care like I thought you did after all. We all know, what a moment of impulse is. Yeah, it’s okay. You just made that grounding of mine even stronger.

My dreams, they make me exhausted. And they are starting to change. These days, the yous in them are slowly becoming a stranger. Even in my dreams, you are a stranger. And I saw myself sitting there, qualifying every other emotion present in me other than joy, with a smile. And I saw you looking through me, like how I was meant to be, invisible.

And I’ve been walking through doors, just to find the next locked. It’s like walking through an endless labyrinth, every door opens in the end, but the next appears the same, but still locked. Each of the places in transit looks the same, with the same four walls, with the same claustrophobic feeling gnawing at me. Hey how come I didn’t know I built these limitless walls, in place of one tall and sturdy one.

Fucking tired, of the work, the mind, the thoughts, the things. All I could do is leech comfort from your words that no one else could give. I know it’s going to be soon when I’ll need to deal without them. But for now, please don’t disappear yet.

you drained the colors out of my sky.

I need some time to myself, some time without the scrutiny of others. Although I find it a joke that all these could still be read once I unlock my blog again, but I find no other better way.

You'll never know, how much fear I have in me, how much you make me fear every single thing. I fear to speak, I fear to not speak, I fear to do anything, but in the end, everything still slapped me cold in the face. The fears in me, I could never tell you, I could never let you see. Why do you have to make it so.

Sometimes the pain just overwhelms me and makes me senseless and lose all my capabilities to deal with it. Because it's something I can't see. I could only feel it, and it jabs at me so fast so hard, but makes me numb too. It makes me want to retch when I see food, when I think of just about anything at all. I'll feel as if my heart would collapse with another huge heave. And I could only hope the endless coffee I take in would calm it in some way.

It's not fair to say I don't try. I do, and it stays for a while. But somehow, along the way, something so strong would grip me and pull me down again. I can't see it, can't wrench it away from me. I could only struggle and try to stay up, and breathe. So it's not fair, when you're not me. I could say a thousand words too, if I'm you. We all could, if we're in some positions that's advantageous to us.

Please nag at me forever tricario boy boyyyy. If you'll remind me constantly, then I won't break.

我们对了错了要了给了却都忘了.

It's amazing, how those tears could still find their way through even when I'd tried all my might to shut my eyes tight. How long has it been; the sudden influx of salt content in the eyes made them hurt a thousand times worse.

Because we come up with all the words we could think of to push forth a strong exterior; just to crumble into pieces beneath it in a saccade. Because we do not make ourselves hate, because we do not learn to hate, because we can't hate.

One day, I will smile like how I used to. I will smile because I sincerely feel it. Will it be long? What if it never comes. In the end, we all scramble to find a way, to let ourselves wait, even if it's forever. End it now then, won't you.

错过这世界有什么可惜.

I need to get my sanity back. It still sucks, waking up on some mornings and feeling like absolute fuck. I have had enough of those breaking moments, threatening to overwhelm every single sense I have left in me, making me curl up in a corner and pleading to myself to stop those thoughts from running wild again. It's true, though in a warped way, that the mind can really be so strong, that I have no control over it at all. Mind over heart, yes. Mind over matter, yes. It's mind over my everything. It's the thing that's slowly scraping away at my sanity. I need to throw those things away, the everything that I can't let go. Because it's sapping away my energy. Because I still can't find a balance. Then perhaps there's no use, figuring out anything at all. My mind's already too contorted. I want to find the life I wanted to lead, and perhaps I was already on it, finally after searching and pondering, until I got pushed down without even given time to anticipate it, without even given a helping hand.

But yes, thank you for letting me bitch at you, for telling me nonsensical, senseless things to bring me back when I almost always want to slip back into the locked up world I'd created for myself. But the temporary relief I feel, it feels almost unreal sometimes, like I don't even know if that's myself. I don't want to step in, just to step back out again. And the more afraid I am of it, the more apprehension I have for losing it, the more I know everything could be back to status quo very soon. Just because I have no faith in believing it.

And the things I could say, the things I could joke about, every single word cut at my heart in fact. Because they seem to amplify my stupidity, ignorance, stubborness and just simply everything that could make me look at myself, and wanting to give up. Because I can't even find a thread of hope, of anything good that would make me feel a little better.

And I agree that this semester's really too fast. It's just suddenly ending again, with that all too familiar feeling. I don't know whether time passes faster when you think too much, or when you don't at all. It's just, time really passes too fast.

Who the fuck invented tears, to make us so so tired. It's not even as cathartic as saying fuck.

the pain she screams, i hear.

Nono, no more McGriddles pls. Having breakfast could make me go to the toilet 100000times. I wouldn’t dream of it anymore I guess, because the craving had been satisfied and it’s enough. Hahaa.

I’m almost shy to admit that I’m falling in love with Backstreet Boys all over again. It is so primary-school-boyband era I know, but their album got me so hooked I don’t know why. It’s really pretty good, though it’s those you’ll get sick of pretty soon after having it on the loop like forever. They aren’t old men pls, they make me drool, so I think they should be pretty hot. Hahahaa.

And I can’t explain//Last night I saw the fireworks//The kind of pain that never hurts//The one you hate to love is made for you

Thanks to a certain someone, listening to this song long long into the night, with the earphones plugged into my ears, makes me cry. Please stop singing songs that would kill my heart.

等于结束的爱情
我和你
从两个窗口看出去
往事远远地
演着一场无声的电影
没人注意

躲着回忆的身体
带领我
和你的名字向前进
作废的曾经
留在离开你那天
挥不去

因为太了解
所以很伤心
没有你只好听着风的呼吸
却有种叫做时间的东西
说没问题
最后我们会痊愈

因为太了解
我无法坚定
这一次会要掉眼泪的决定
有些遗憾只能一个人听
很对不起
我还是珍惜
所有的事情