it's easier to lie.

The ones who said they'll be there.
The ones who said they could be trusted.
The ones who said everything nice before everything fell apart.
All lies, when the backs are turned.

Words could mean so much, yet they could crumble and dissolve into nothing.
Then just don't say pls, just fucking keep your mouth shut.
Because I remember, because I never do forget.

So fucking exhausted. So fucking killing me.
If it's this, then just leave me alone.
I am better off alone.

I just have to comment about this person I encountered who made my eyes roll to the back of my sockets 100000 times. So I was supposed to order something for the club’s welfare giveaway. And that man whom I contacted, he called me one day when I was still in the middle of my sleep. Since I was still groggy and everything, my voice was like a little hoarse because my throat wasn’t totally cleared yet. And in the middle of the conversation, he actually said ‘I really like your voice you know.’ That really freaked me out and woke me up from my half asleep state. I could only apologize and said I was actually still sleeping. I was thinking maybe he really had this fetish for just-woken-up-from-sleep kind of voice, so okay. Still, I was disgusted please. So I refrained from any phone conversations and emailed him the next time. Today he called me to confirm my orders and he made the same comment again. Bloody hell. And I was awake, no hoarse or sexy voice please. I was so so freaked out and disgusted. How could anybody make such comments in a business call?! I just want to shudder and die. I won't ever ever order from that company again please.

And I was too horrified to even want to ask for discounts lah!

and i just need a little more time with you.

Fuck it, can you help?

Can you see what's beneath the smiles, can you can you?

You can't, you don't, you refuse to.

I HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE///////////////////

argh.

i'll listen to you, if i could.

And we can’t be 14 no more, when our little cold war games could end by just a lollipop. It was so easy to be happy and contented then. It was so easy to be angry and scream it out and everything will be okay again. Where have the innocence and simplicity gone to? And it’s because we realized the increased complexity of things as we grow up, that’s why we try so hard to grasp at the reality, that’s why we try all means to convince ourselves that life is actually very simple. Hey, who are we kidding? If it was so, we wouldn’t even have the need to try and justify the simplicity of things at all.

My deepest regret of all, it could marr me all my life. It made me understand just how bent I am in torturing myself, by not forgiving myself. It’s self destruction, the path I’ve gradually set myself onto. I’ll let it remain hidden, and I pray that it remains so. But please tell me, that I’m not destined to go through these many times. I don’t want to fall once, get up, just to fall back in again. It took me a lot a lot of time. And it will take me even more now. My mind won’t let go of me. It wants to break me apart totally. Then perhaps, I should remain broken, so I’ll never have the chance to be pieced back, just to be broken all over again.

Why do the hurt, the cruelty, the selfishness, the disappointment and everything else get amplified so much more now. Don’t we grow up, to be better people? Why these then? We used to speak our mind, we used to shout it all out. Now, it’s all but an absence of words.

Because we aren’t kids anymore. Because we aren’t kids anymore.

I wished my time could have stopped then, then. It would have been, a much more beautiful world.

you're the voice in my head.

I didn't manage to wake up in time for my lecture today again. Switched off my alarm after some credit card person called and woke me up, then I slept in for half an hour unknowingly. Must be the dreams. I had so many fucking dreams my head is still feeling heavy now. I must stop sleeping near to the crack of dawn.

And I could also shift the blame to the match yesterday that made me so irritated. Bloody hell of a referee. My poor Liverpool. Arghh. Plus someone who made my eyes roll to the back of my sockets, over and over again. Everything made my head want to split so bad. So I needed all the sleep I could get to recover from all these.

I slept so much, yet my head is heavy and my eyes hurt like shit. Get the damn dreams out of my head please.

i died a hundred times.

Yummy J.CO donuts, the strawberry one was absolutely love.


And steamboat at Von's house although I came late and only ate a little. Hahaa. I love love monopoly seriously.



Why am I still not asleep when I'm fucking tired. Just fucking torturing myself, trying to pick up the remnants of my broken self. It's disgusting, how I'm starting to evade everything. I can feel, I know when my gaze becomes shifty, when I fear that people will see through me.

Yes, smile. Yes, laugh. And I will. Just that maybe one day, it'll be so hard to tease apart a real one from a self-deluded one. I don't want everything to become a facade, a self delusion eventually. It wasn't meant to be this way. I don't want to hate the person I'm becoming. It makes everything so hard to bear, makes it so hard for me to take those steps forward, makes me want to turn around and run away and never look back.

just want, to smile like before.

No time for proper lunch, no time for coffee today. And I cannot have my coffee now because it will kill me instead. It's so hard, going without coffee for a day. Getting harder, getting harder, I don't know why. My hands tremble without it.

I see all the work piling over now. It scares the fuck out of me. Luckily for a sweet professor who gives us Yanyan and Kinder Bueno to reward us for our hard work. Such gestures, buy me over totally. I'm such a cheapskate.


This sense of dread, unhappiness, low affect and everything bad is ubiquitous. Tell me, why do you haunt me so?