everytime you leave, i'm inconsolable.

This fucking pms is affecting every single nerve in my body and killing my head so bad. Suddenly, there is just so much anger and irritation in me. I’m practically dissing everyone in the house and anyone else who threatens to topple me over my edge. I know anger does me no good and gets me nothing, that is why I’ve gradually learned not to let it get the better of me. It would only make me go crazy and make everyone else run away. But maybe it wasn’t control and regulation, or so I thought. This repression is bloody threatening an upsurge.

I hate to feel the anger in me. It makes me blind to everything sane, if it still exists that is. I know the wrath only represents a losing battle, and I don’t like to lose, ever. It fucking kills me, I have to be honest. I don’t like to give anybody the reason to do anything I don’t wish for them to do. I don’t want to be the one giving the justification. I just don’t like it.

Or maybe this is what I am actually feeling all along. Perhaps I’m just finding an excuse for them to be expressed, to have a more accepted outlet. But everything is just suddenly so amplified I feel like tearing my soul apart, and killing you.

will you be, unmistakable.

I can’t even start to say how exhausted I really am. My papers are starting next week and I have barely even started on my revision because of the endless projects. How come the time for preparation just gets shorter and shorter? I had never gone for so many nerve wrecking interviews in such a short period of time before, and I wonder why I’m trying so hard at all. The horrendous traveling, the waiting, the never ending spewing of words that I almost didn’t even recognize were mine. Do I even believe what I was saying at all? That’s when I start asking myself, what’s the use, what’s the point.

It made me so tremendously anguished that I had to miss Liverpool – Arsenal Champions League match because of that. And it had to be such an exciting match. I caught the goals afterwards and I couldn’t imagine I was so so touched I actually teared. Hahahaa. Torres baby is my new kryptonite pls, his slide of victory on the ground was just, simply orgasmic. Hahaa.

And I’m so caught up with work I forgot to write this down for my own memory’s sake. One fine day, I saw the very very hot Orlando Bloom’s lookalike professor at my train station on my way to school! I couldn’t believe that he was actually possibly staying in such a close proximity to me. I kept stealing glances, or rather, I just kept looking towards his side until a man next to me got curious and started looking in the direction too. Hahaha. I swear my legs got so wobbly I thought I could have fallen into the tracks.

I’m really afraid every time I feel tired and dizzy at the same time. I don’t know why, but the mood just kind of predisposes me to really really negative thoughts. I feel really lousy, and just, not really where I think I should be. I feel as if I’m in a place likened to the train station in The Matrix, just stuck there because I can’t get on the train to leave the place. And it could be forever, because this transit may never bring me somewhere else, or even out.

Revelations are amazing, though sometimes we could guess, but we always still need that confirmation. How many a times could we actually believe in something or ourselves just based on our own isolated thoughts? Almost never, at least not for me. And it kills my head, because it threatens to cause things that I’m trying hard to keep inside to surge to the surface. I fear, to be in full exposure to the person I am. I fear, to even see myself. Are you even able to see that? It kills me that you possibly do, but it also kills that you possibly don’t. All you left me, are just contradictions and doubts about my very own being.

Don’t ignite the spark in me to cause the explosion. I cannot pre-empt it, nor can I predict what will come out of it. And yes, I know, because I’m scared of myself too. But I guess it’s better for you, because I can’t even choose. I can’t run away. I have to stay here, with myself, even if it’s on my own.

there'll come a day, when you'll walk out of my dreams.

I forgot to thank wenwen darling for mrbean soyamilk with pearls on an otherwise terribly early friday morning lecture. It was so potent it churned my stomach and cleared my system in an hour. Hahhaa. But it's still love. :)

And thank you for the cake. Hello people pls come and take the cake from me or something, I cannot possibly finish it by myself. I still need to jump on the weighing scale everyday and I don't need a heart attack. But here's the cake for you guys to see at least, if you wouldn't get the chance to taste it.



Marmalade Pantry and Dempsey's Hacienda loving on the birthday itself, celebrated together with monkey darling's birthday too. All my life I've never really had any birthday celebrations by myself and I'm really glad because it's nice to have someone share it with you. I'll just feel like an idiot if I had to blow the candles out myself. Days without 4012 in our lives are sometimes compensated by this vehicle instead! Thank you we love you too? Hahaa.


Sorry sorry for condemning you big big monkey. It's all wenwen's surprise's fault, I don't care! Hahaa. I'm so happy to see you, so happy to take a photo with you. Oh my god I sound so obsessed. And I love you girls too, so damn much. You guys are my kryptonite pls. Hahahaa. :)

how will i know your voice, when you hvn't said a word.

Isaa baby maybe you're right. I should sleep earlier, the transit of night into morning is killing me alot I don't know why. Maybe it's just today, maybe it's only now. I cannot let these thoughts swirl around in my head, I cannot fall into the fucking pit. But does it matter, I was never really out anyway. I'm just in a fucking state of frenzy, so totally messed up.

I am a little disappointed. Should I be, am I qualified to be. I hate it when I feel lousy, I hate it when I cannot seem to understand.

And you, we love you so so much. Whenever I hear or see you choking on your words or crying, my heart breaks pls. Breaks into a million pieces. Hahahaa. And I'm amazed how easily I can cry at that too. I could cry forever. Hahaa. Don't say it's okay when it's not okay. We are here, always here, even though you always make my eyes roll and drop out 100000times.

how come we are already 22. :(

What a damn tiring day with four hours of sleep and shuttling between classes and interview and rushing home to prepare to go out. I slept throughout all my train journeys, even when I was standing up. Thank you for dinner, love you all!




Somebody secretly wants to slap me for blogging emo and want-to-die entries always. Don't slap me pls, you can try to win me over with your cliches. Hahaa. I'll take my words back, I'm actually really scared of them.

It's good, no birthday cake, no candles to blow out, no wishes to make. Somebody must have had invented it as a mean of self-delusion. It keeps you believing, for at least a year. I don't want to make useless, senseless, futile wishes anymore. They can't keep my faith for long.

You're always walking away.

and there's no need to recognize me anymore.

I'll keep it as this, cover everything up, conceal as much as I could, so nobody would be able to look through the veil. It's so amazingly thin actually, but I'll try to keep it as opaque as I can. Just a barrier, and it's a world of difference. And I know they can't be seen clearly now; and you end up seeing what you think you are seeing. No, I will try not to lay the tiles in the open for everyone to see now. Not anymore.

My bread flew out of the toaster today. :(

Fuck 730am wake up days.

原来伤心也会上瘾.

Feels as if I'm standing in the middle of nowhere, in a world so fleeting it could possibly disappear in the blink of an eye. I can't place a name to the emotions I'm feeling these days. It's like they don't really exist. I'm like losing the name/emotion/feeling/symbol/ideal and everything I based my very self on. It's as if they detached themselves from me, or rather, I tore them away from myself one by one, no matter how hurting it was. It's so unreal I don't even know how to describe it.

I wake up sometimes, wondering who I am, and it scares the fuck out of me. Because I don't feel myself, I don't feel it anymore.