tonight the sky above, reminds me of you.

Meredith: "In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We cant help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s almost impossible to go back."


Tonight I see a clearer picture. I see who, and how I've become. I feel the fear in me, anxiously trying to mask what others hvn't seen, trying to paint an untainted picture. I see the time slip away while my feet are rooted to the same spot. We all need time, but time has never waited for anyone. It just goes on quietly, until one day, when you decided to turn back for a split second, you realized that so much has gone and left, and without you.

But I still go on each day, with the exhaustion seeping through me. And waiting, waiting for that breaking point. Because nothing seems right anymore. Because nothing feels right anymore.

hold on to your words, 'cause talk is cheap.

I'm thankful, for the people who stayed on, who stood beside me, despite everything. It doesn't mean you have to know everything to make me feel that you understand, to make me feel that you're on my side. Sometimes it's not a matter of who's in the right or who's in the wrong. We all have the need to be selfish, to be defensive of ourselves once in a while. I have. I'm not a saint. No matter whether it's right or wrong, I need to know that at some point in time, people are actually on my side. I need it, to feel a little better. And I really really love you, for making me feel that it's actually okay, that I'm nothing less than human even if I were to think in the way that I was thinking. Maybe that will make me loathe my thoughts less, hate myself less. And maybe sometimes that will make me think and even wish that you were them, and you know, maybe it would be so much easier.

That is why it hurts. It hurts to see and be reminded. My mind haunts me so bad, all I could is to run away physically. I can't block off my own thoughts. I have to endure them every single second and no matter how I run, there's no way out of it. But you know, running away physically is something you could learn and master over time. Though it hurts too, but ultimately, maybe that is the only running away you can actually do.

Maybe studying psychology will be the curse of my life. I love it so much, I really do. But, when you reached a point when you've been exposed to so much, you'll realize that all you have left is self help. Because nothing besides that will work really, at least not on yourself. Words need to be said exactly the way it should in order to work because you know how it should be like. Don't always stress and emphasize on the final outcome. How many a times do people fail to understand it's the process that people can't take, that nobody in that sort of position could possibly see the end, if he is not taken out of the process first. It's not the one day, not the next time, not the some day. It's now. NOW.

And I still apologize. Because I'm only human. Because when my cognitive load is so overbearing, I don't have the capacity of mind to do what I think I should do. Since nothing is making it better, I choose to run away from it, rather than to be killed by it. And don't do that. Don't do something I used to do. Don't do something that reminds me of things I used to do. DON'T. I know maybe you don't even know it. I know it may be something so insignificant you don't even realize it. But it's important to me. It's something, something that reminds me of myself at least. And I can't even make myself say it here. Fuck.

Thank you, thank you for making me feel, that I'm so easily thrown away.

you should've said no, should've gone home.

I am a strong believer in that nothing lasts forever.
But that, that doesn't give anyone the prerogative to inflict so much hurt.

One person's happiness, is another person's anguish.
It only depends, if you got lucky.

The day I stop being so hard on myself, is the day when my head could finally take a break. But for now, it's still crumbling under the pressure of everything.


But HE, he is still my man. :)

the broken locks were a warning you got inside my head.

Meredith: "People are constantly asking you to tell them how you're doing. How the hell are you supposed to know?"

Meredith: "Like I said, disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but, I disappeared."


I feel like, I have so much to say. So so much, but in a moment after, I've swallowed everything back down again. I don't feel like saying anything anymore. I don't dare to say anything anymore. It's the words, words that I embrace so fervently, words that could possibly mean everything to me. It's the words, words that could bring me up to the heavens, words that could throw me into hell. It's the words, words that hurt so damn bad because at the end of the day, it is the only thing that remains, the only thing left invading your head over and over again.

I feel like I'm back to my old self, the one I hated, the one I prayed and wished that I'll never get to see again. I'm back to when I used to talked in endless monologues, talked in morse codes that nobody could understand, only because, only because this is the only way that could make me feel a little safer. Because if you let people see you like an open book, they will only slowly tear the pages out, until finally, there is nothing left.

I miss, being able to find joy in small little things. The happiness that comes, although in spurts, but stays. I just don't feel it anymore. I can't just want it back, just because I want it to. If it's not there, it's just not going to be there. And everyday you see people whom are not aware of what you actually are. So you pretend, you pretend to be the person everybody would rather see, while you fight the demons within you constantly. Maybe you won't understand. Maybe you won't realize it. I don't know how it happened. But I seem to have lost the capacity to actually be sincerely, truthfully happy and to make it stay. I don't know how it happened. But it did.

I've lost track of the time, but since one certain day, every single dream I have is a nightmare. Some make me unable to wake up from them. Some make me wake up in the middle of the night, grasping at the empty space, with the scream stuck in my throat. I can't sleep. I can't sleep without the dreaming.

The hard part, is about trying to hate everybody else in the world but failing to do so, because you realize, that the only person you really hate, is yourself.

Tricario boy boyyyy I need you to come back. I need you to be here to tell me what to do, just be here to tell me what to do although I know it already. I need you to tell me I could do this. I need you to tell me not to be an idiot and that I am better than this. I need you to tell me not to care so much about every single thing in the world although I pretend I don't give a fuck. I need you to tell me to stop crying. I need you to tell me none of these is worth it. I need the comfort from the words that nobody else could give me.

If not I will break. I will break. I don't want to break.

It breaks my heart. It really does. Itbreaksmyheartso.

That is, if it is still there.
If it could still be broken.


When would I laugh again?
When something's really funny.
Then yes, I would laugh.
But that, that doesn't exactly measure up to happiness does it.

unrecognizable.

Meredith: Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled…old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.


Fucking tired pls. Working makes me crawl into bed at the earliest time ever, but I guess I have crossed the threshold that's why I could actually stay awake now. I hate waking up so early, I'm forever tired, forever sleepy, absolutely stressed out, but I do love the people I'm working with.

The feeling of time spent with friends after work is amazing, like really amazing. Time spent walking around or just chilling out just seems so so precious now it makes everything really really amazing. I love you darlings, I love today!

And I hate that, and that, and that. No, not hate actually. I don't have hate in me. Although you said I'm angry and denying it, it's not the same. It's not anger, I don't know what it is, but it's just not the same. I refuse to say it is. I'm stubborn, yes. And my neuroticism is seriously high I realized, after scoring my personality test today. But yes, I don't like that, and that, and that. I only can say I have the right to, since I can't seem to control it.

I want to scream and shout and never ever stop until everything comes to an end.