我知道, 如果是我伤害了别人, 我也宁愿受伤的是自己. 我愿意承担所有的不快乐, 所有的悲伤. 但当我是当事者的时候, 当这种痛让我感到痛不欲生的时候, 我真的真的很想说, 到底几时才能停止, 到底可不可以不要再痛了. 原来我根本不是那么伟大, 那么坚强. 那些花了很多时间才找回来的快乐, 自信, 潇洒和原来的自己, 已经被人狠狠地掏空了. 我已经是什么都不想要了, 真的什么都不想要了. 我只想坐在这里, 什么都不做, 什么都不想, 就让眼泪陪伴着我. 就这样慢慢的看着世界走过, 看着世界遗忘了我. 真的真的没有笑容了. 泪是热的, 心, 却是冷的.

我也很想抱着你, 告诉你一切都会过去的, 但到底需要多久, 到底真的会吗?

is it even wrong, to only want, to be happy.

其实简单而单纯的快乐并不是很困难, 而只是根本不存在.

and i plead.

The things that people unknowingly let loose, pierce me in a way nobody knows. Every single word sting, but all I can do is to nod and smile. Everything affirms me of how I really, really was just so insignificant, how I really didn’t matter that much. Yes, I feel inadequate, I feel like I’m nothing in comparison. You make me feel that I’m a monster, that I’m just somebody so hard to be with. All along, I’ve been trying to find the reasons, the justifications, for everything I’ve done. But I just can’t seem to find any to convince myself. There’s just this hole left in me, where something has been ripped out cruelly.

In life, there’s many things one could run away from. If running away was easy, I would have done it. I think I’ll do that best. But some things, when you want to run away but you don’t actually really want to, and you can’t, makes it all even harder. The conflicting emotions tear me apart terribly. And I realized, there’s really an inherent difference between the different sexes. Words, intentions and many other things are seen and interpreted so differently, or perhaps not even interpreted at all, I’m amazed. So maybe, you really wouldn’t understand what I’m saying, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me it’s not worth it. Is that supposed to make me feel any better at all?

Believe me, I hate feeling dysfunctional, or rather, I hate wanting to be so dysfunctional. This time, I’m really scared, really torn. I feel so much pain that I’ve never felt before and it intensifies every single day. But I think I do seem better with each day, I talk more, laugh more and maybe act more like how I was like before? But it’s a reverse effect, the more I can numb myself on the outside, the more ruined I am internally.

Don’t judge, the appropriateness of my emotions just from the things you know.

为什么只能拼命地请求我的心, 不要, 不要再痛了.

and i don't want a conversation, i just want to cry in front of you.

I love you rebecca toh. I love hugging you so tight and dancing. Please be there, when I need to escape and run away. It's time to embark on my plan, to lead a decadent lifestyle. Ours, maybe? So, don't fly away in January! Or please don't be gone for months at least. See you, every Wednesday? We could run away and hide in the crowd so nobody can see us, nobody can find us. And the next time if I don't get drunk, I wouldn't forgive myself.

Maybe it's time, to become someone else I don't even recognize, because I don't want to be anything I had been by far.

I’ve never realized, that I really never do watch those happy, sappy, warm Christmas movies and the likes. Movies like Love Actually and The Holiday, most people would have watched them and proclaimed how nice they were, how they could watch them over and over again. Oddly enough, I steer away from such shows, or perhaps, subconsciously avoid them. Things that are too sweet, that make you wish you were like it too, are just not part of reality. So I’m still, cynical after all.

And I’m really only just a weak and weepy girl, nothing more than that. When I watch a sad show, I’ll cry. When I read a sad story, I’ll cry. When I hear a sad song, I’ll cry. When I feel sad, angry, stressed, I’ll cry. When I see people cry, I’ll cry. When you look at me with your big and soulful eyes and ask me why, I’ll cry too. What’s wrong with me? One day, I’ll just collapse and die. I hope so.

Merry Christmas. I’m not happy, but you could be.

yes i can still laugh, but can you see the pain in my eyes.

One moment I'll be happy, thinking that I'll be able to see the people I love later. But I fear seeing so many people, afraid to not be able to be as happy as I should be.

Just let Christmas be over, New Year be over, just let everything be over. I don't want to celebrate. Just let the year be over, I never want, to be 21 again. But what difference will it make. A new year, doesn't make, a different me.

Hvn't I said I feared the emptiness the most. And now it's all here, it's all mine. Rip my heart out, tear my mind apart, I don't want to be able to feel, to think. I know, I'm so gone. Everything is just overwhelming me again. Everything is just killing me over and over again and yet, I don't seem to die.

I can't stop, can't stop the tears.
I feel, like puking.

As much as I want to be here, I don't want to be here.

and, tell me, where do I go from here?

Thank you for Mellben Seafood and Bedok bar chor mee. Although food doesn't make me as happy as it used to, I loved the company. :) And thank you Soon Soon Kwang Kwangg Kwanggg for the steamboat at your place! The food was really just too bloody alot and the balls scared the hell out of me and sausages doesn't induce that happiness in me anymore too. But it was still nice and I love to do grocery shopping and thank you for always being so funny. You're funny too, my dear Xiaoshouzhi, but not exactly the nicest to me because you were fierce on the mahjong table!

Still so so, tired. I could stare and stare at the clock and watch the second hand go by. I could sit and stare and stare into the distance. I wish I could stop and live in that moment forever, just stop there and just, stay. But my mind still wouldn't let me. Every single thing I see, every single thing I hear, every single thought I think, hurts. I hate, seeing all the things I've never wanted to see in myself. However I thought myself to be, the reality is far from it. If you couldn't deal with my destructive emotions, what makes you think then, that I could? See it as an internal fight within me, then you wouldn't have to do anything, then you wouldn't have to care. Because it's just me, just me.

But I hate, the position I'm in now. I hate it. I didn't want it to be like that. Why, must it be me? I don't want to lose anything I've never wanted to lose. I hate the repercussions. I hate to feel that I'm feeling worst, feeling more terrible than I could have ever been, while you're there, seemingly having found a silver lining in the clouds. I can't deal with that. I don't want, to be here.

And everyday, I could only have these monologues with myself. That's all I'm left with; myself and my thoughts.

When you've not reached the bottom, it doesn't mean you're not falling.