would you erase me?

I wish, I wish Lacuna Inc. existed.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

End this, end this for me.

And I'm still a wreck. A damn fucking wreck.

I know, I don't matter anymore.

Something off a blog I randomly came across, and I think it's damn good. It alludes to Lust, Caution, so if you've watched it, you'll find it so so poignant.


quote

He, who kept his life together, even as he fell in love.
She, who let hers fall apart, because she fell in love.

The inherent difference between a man and a woman:

He, who would give up nothing for her.
She, who gave up everything for him.

/unquote



If I could churn out words like these, I would die happy.

I know I'm putting myself on a breakable thread, letting words flow out like this. Sometimes I have so much to say when I'm on my own, and if I don't find an outlet, I could possibly suffocate my brain. But still, it doesn't make me feel alot better. I don't know, but just let me be.

When the time's too short to be significant and there's nothing to remember by, everything will fade with time. I'll be forgotten too. And I'll be there, alone, still grasping and clawing at the emptiness which nobody sees, except myself.

Yes, I'm stuck in my own narrow, small and imagined world. There's so much more out there, but that doesn't really matter does it, if I can't first walk out of the one I'm in. Everybody likes happy words, happy people. It's okay, you don't have to love me, because I don't even love myself.

Maybe this is how it should be. Perhaps I was never meant to be happy.

Fuck the rain.

My mind, it works in a fucking warped way I can't help it. And it can't stop. Thought it'll be okay, thought I'll be okay, I truly want to, wish to; but in the next instant, I'll feel all fucking screwed up again. Why, does it never end, just when it seems to end. Why, does it just repeats itself ceaselessly, killing me, over and over again. Why, do I just feel so, hopelessly defeated. Is it even selfish, to want to not feel this hurt. Why, must I try to find back who I was. Why, couldn't I have kept it with me. Why, do I have to lose myself, then try to find myself. What if, just what if, there's no chance of finding it back anymore. It's not about being pessimistic; it's about seeing the world as it is, it's about not being delusional. I know, I'm just fucking trapping myself.

Something's missing. What did I lose along the way? But there's no time to find it back anymore; nobody ever waits for you. You'll have to smile and laugh along with the world, no matter how much, how long you bleed inside. Then keep me locked in my dreams; though haunting, they are more comforting.

Maybe one day, you'll turn around and realize, I'm already not there anymore. And maybe then, you'll be the happiest.

I don't want to be like this. Then tell me how, how do I stop my mind from thinking. It just never ever stops. It has never, never been this hard.

Don't take me up to the heavens; and throw me into hell. You could, at least, leave me on some solid ground to tread on. But, it's okay. I'm here, and I'll be here.

Why, why do I feel so tired. My head, it hurts.

Thank you Isaa baby, for everything. Words are not enough to let you know how much I love you, and how much I appreciate the lovely day spent with you, really. Thank you for watching Lust, Caution with me, our first r21 movie together! Let's have breakfast at Cedele one day. :)



I'm drinking coffee from the cup now and the pooh's already on my mirror. You're the sweetest ever. :) Let's go get wasted soon yes. And I won't tell you to not think too much, because I know, that the mind never ever stops thinking. But for now, do your best for the interviews! Love you.

You don't have to kick addictions; you satisfy them. Just down the coffee, let the drugs work their power. But it's ironic, because it maintains my wakefulness, when all I want is to not wake up. And yet, I haunt myself in my dreams.

Thank you, thank you so much, for watching me fall.