And when my head hurts like this, I feel as if I could puke everything in me out. But no, it chooses to stay within me, wrecking me, tearing me inside out, ripping me apart.

Okay, you win, I lose.

zen, darling, zen. please.

I didn’t know you, yet I feel that I did. Perhaps it’s because you have touched my life, albeit in an indirect way. And I had written that note to you. That’s why I could not stop myself from crying when I read about you. It stopped me in my tracks, making everything seemed so surreal for an instant. It seemed so unreal, like how things would revert back to normal once I snap out of my trance. But they don’t. They just don’t. And I never like oscillating between what’s real and what seems real. I hate it. I really do. And what are we walking towards, isn’t it nothing but just the end? With that realization, then why does anything matter at all? In the same sense, why does anything not matter at all? I know I shouldn’t say this, but I wished I could take your place.

That day, I dreamt that I smashed a glass bottle and cut myself. In the dream, my mind was in a whirl, thinking about how I was going to do it, feeling that it wouldn’t be of any pain at all. It was horribly morbid, but I didn't mean to dream it. These days, if it isn’t insomnia, it would be that my body just refuses to wake up. I can’t bloody will my body to wake up with my mind at all.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re still the person I once knew. I can’t seem to find anything to disconfirm my no. Sometimes I wonder if you’re still there. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one who’s not here anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it’s still all the same. But I don’t dare to say it, I don’t dare to tell myself no. Because it matters to me, even though sometimes I force myself to make everything not matter anymore. Because it would be much easier, much easier if I could do it.

So I’ll shut my eyes tight, because tears won’t fall if I keep them closed. So I’ll clench my fists tight until the fingernails draw blood, because the screams would remain silent if I do so. So I’ll squat in the middle of the sidewalk, because every step forward makes me take another step backwards. So I’ll sit and stare at the rain, because the cold would chill my bones, my brain, my heart.

路太远, 我忘了.

我喜欢, 躺在地上, 用耳机听音乐的感觉.
似乎好像被带到另一个时空, 另一个世界去.
也不知眼泪为什么会一直掉,
只希望音乐能把泪滴的声音末过去.

it's been long, really long.

Now that the internship’s over, I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. I wouldn’t be able to wake up so early, fall asleep on the train, see the people who would never fail to make me laugh, go home feeling so tired to do or think about anything and just having to sleep immediately. There wouldn’t be anything that I could just throw myself into, keep myself busy and having nothing to remind me about anything I don’t want to be reminded of. They make me feel that maybe I still have the capacity to be who I want to be, to be a little more okay that what I am now, if I could just get away.

The first day with myself, and I’m already crumbling. The noise around churned out all the irritation in me and my head killed me so bad. I literally slept my day away. I just kept forcing myself to sleep, hoping that the time would pass without me having to be in any state of consciousness. Maybe I just can’t bear to even spend time alone with myself. It scares me, it kills me and it ruins me. If only I could just sleep and never wake up, just sleep my life away.

There’s something in me, refusing to be fixed. It just, can’t be fixed. And I hate to feel, that it’ll just never be okay again.

你是我的隐形人.

突然发现自己真的非常没有用. 不管跑得多远, 终究还是会被拉回到原点. 自己也有拼命地要坚强一点, 但坚强只能留在外表上, 内心却要安抚许许多多的挣扎. 为什么会变成这样?

而终于有了一点点的目标, 但却有一些抹不掉的恐惧. 最讨厌的就是害怕, 不勇敢. 以前根本都不是这样的.

you make me, disillusioned.

怎么办. 真的应该听你们所说的吗? 会有用, 会好一点吗? 如果是你, 你也会那么做吗? 真的说得出, 就一定代表做得到吗? 从来都没人喜欢承认自己的懦弱. 从来没人喜欢 只想要一直沉睡的念头. 但是, 如果有一天, 真的真的累垮了, 到底该怎么办才好?

and i've told the sky above, but not you.

Picnic today at Botanic Gardens! I'm so glad it didn't rain because there was thunder when we got there. Made a terrible mess at the start with all the cooking we wanted to do but we still had fun and loved the food! :)


I love love you girls. Maybe I have to see you all everyday just to keep myself sane. I'm missing you all already! :(



Little kids are cute when they are playing happily. But when they cry and become little devils, all I want is to smack them. Maybe I love dogs more. Hahaha.


And I met daisy duckieee there when we were about to leave! Thought I wouldn't see her because the place isn't that small after all. And I didn't get to steal red wine or pasta from her picnic lah.