and when you lie, you hide.

What is happiness for when it can't be shared.
What is sadness for when it can't be showed.
And what are words for when they can't be told.

You see, that's why I dissipate.
I wish I could just disengage.

All the projects are breaking me. Deadlines are so near and we could still be at the juncture of quarrelling over the focus and the topic. It’s just getting harder and harder.

Maybe I’m not as strong as I think I am or I want to be. I need more than I think I actually need. And I don’t like this.

If anyone could give me a hug now, I think I’ll love you forever. That's really all I need. But why is it just so difficult.

This semester is crazy one lahh. I have six project reports due along the way from now till early november and how the hell am I going to finish all of them lahh! And there are just so so many literature reviews to be done for each report. I can't even study if I want to, because there's just no time and the last project paper is due two days before my first two papers. Bloody hell. I don't know why the semesters always come to an end so fast without me even feeling I've learnt anything much lehz. That's damn sad. Hahaa.

And my life is slowly sapping away and I'm sad because I can't go to Kbox with you girls today and shopping tomorrow. Haiyo, really cannot and I even have project meeting on Sunday. Then my fu man ren jian how!! :( I miss you all alot alot lo and I'm deprived of darling von's humor. The last funny thing I heard from you was when you told me you were eating the same thing as me but different animal during the dinner. Hahhahaa. That's damn long ago and I can still remember because now and then I can still think about it and laugh. Hahahaa.

And my appetite really don't know go where already. I think I can just live on coffee lo.

:(

There's this very strong sense of sadness, emptiness in me these days. Tears could just fall for no reason I don't know why. A sad scene, a string of thoughts, or even a mere word could trigger it. I'm so tired of this because I don't like it. But perhaps this is what I started out to be and what I really am? I don't know. There are many things I can't or don't wish to find answers to these days. Leaving it hanging in the open may not guarantee anything, but at least it will stay, and not disappear so soon. It's sad, because it's coming back to haunt me again. I'd rather get out of it, and be someone people want me to be, although it may not be me at all. Because it's okay, and that's the way it should be.

If only.

It's sad when something changes, everything changes. And it's usually for the worst, never for the better. When you hear one side of the story, you feel one thing. And when you get to hear the other, some new revelations appear. Why can't both parties come together and piece the story together and make everything lucid and understandable to both? Words usually get distorted as they go through third parties and everything ends up misinterpreted and contorted. I don't even know what to make out of the whole thing anymore. Everybody feels tired, everyone wants to escape, but they just end up being entangled in the mess still. And it's mystifying how people become scary and things become sour and it's sad, when you're looking at the mess from the outside of the inside. Sighh. It's selfish, but if it's me, I'd rather not be on the disadvantage too. Employ more protective mechanisms, absorb less pain. If not, I think I'll become nothing more than a destroyed soul. Hahaa.

I've been eating air at home these days. And the renovation work is killing me with all the drilling and banging. Kills my morning, my day, my head. And the days are so hot and humid it makes me all exasperated. Thank god my mummy is going to change my bloody translucent curtain to a thicker one soon.

Mugging sickens me. Doing research makes me mad. All I look forward to now is the repeat telecast of Fu Man Ren Jian later. Caught the episode last week and realized how much I liked it last time. My hands are shivering, my head is throbbing. I can't live on air alone afterall.

I want to eat popiah.
I want to eat mango sticky rice.
I want to eat Tom's Palette ice cream.
I want to watch Lust, Caution!

Sian. :(

Could I take a leap?
But I'll fall back instead.
Perhaps I could fly.
Maybe I should really leave.
The darkness is such a wonder.
And I'm a wreck.